unicorn me

i realized today
that it is a bit
redundant
for me to call
myself
unconventional….

it’s like if a unicorn was all like,
“hello! i’m a unicorn!”
(yes, i’m comparing myself to a unicorn & if you are all like, “as if!” you can just suck it. i am a shiny happy unicorn!)

i wrote this epiphany while hiding in my room on new year’s day after i screamed at my parents about the murder of my cat in the late 1970s.

they left on saturday. my mom was all, “thank you so much! you must visit us in texas!” whereas just two days before she was saying how she was going to spend the rest of her life drunk because of my being such an ungrateful daughter.

dusty suggested she has borderline personality disorder. i just feel sad. because if there actually is something wrong with her and maybe it could have been treated and maybe she could have been a good mom to me instead of always hating me for not being what she thought i should be….

sigh.

life goes on.

after they left, i felt like i did after my brother died. listless…unfocused…traumatized.
then it switched.
i started feeling free. like i had a second chance at life. like i had dodged a bullet and now i had the chance to turn everything around.

i need to start taking notes and putting thoughts in order and creating the comic that will exorcise this demon for good.

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phoenix

talking about the anger
women reporting their abuse
& their intense anger
“why are they angry now,” he asks me,
“and not before?”
i answered,
“when you are in it
every day
when
every day
is abuse
you have to push it down
to survive.”
you have to
but once you let it out
that anger
once you let yourself
feel
& be
pissed off
you start to heal
& you also stop
being able
to tolerate
fucked
up
shit
…& that made me realize
why i was able to survive
my childhood
even though
today
even just a few hours
with my parents
is
pure
torture.

so much healing to do. so many epiphanies to be had.
when you are steeped once more in the madness that created you, you can either be swept away again…or you can learn from it.
i’m trying to learn from it.
i have a lot to learn.
many layers to peel.

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