i have woven
love & rejection
my earliest experiences with love
people become important to me
once they have
i focus on this rejection
i look for my worth
in the eyes
of people…of men
who reject me.
i feel anger that i am not
i let my anger become
who i am.
i am not my anger.
i am not that reflection
in the eyes
of people who cannot
when i was just 19
i pulled a knife on a guy
he was my boss
i pulled a knife on my boss
because he kept
grabbing my ass
not just grabbing
i really don’t know
if i ever said “no”
i was a good girl
to be pleasant
to say “yes” to men
especially those with authority
so he would molest me
as i tried to do my job
working in this kitchen
in this college town
just 19 years old
and i probably
nicely moved away
nicely tried to keep my distance
i grabbed a kitchen knife after he touched me
not a sharp one
a notorious dull one in fact
but i grabbed a knife
and held it out
as a threat
as i smiled.
he smiled too
and walked into the knife
to show he wasn’t afraid of me
it barely scratched him
if at all…
he never touched me again
i have been embarrassed about this for years. i can’t believe i pulled a knife on someone. not just someone, but my boss. i don’t talk about this story because i felt like i was in the wrong. all these years, i have felt like i was in the wrong for doing it. i beat myself up and tear myself down for not having better coping mechanisms.
but i really didn’t. i was never taught to stand up for myself. quite the opposite.
so i snapped and went into fight or flight. flight hadn’t been working out for me. so i fought. and i won.
so why do i look back at this memory & cringe?
fuck that bullshit.
today i am cheering for that poor little girl. today i’m ready to tell him where the fuck to get the fuck off. fuck intimidation. fuck molestation. fuck all that. i am proud of myself for finally standing up for myself…even if it was in a pretty drastic way.
i was so weirded out by the dragons in my picture
that i never stopped to wonder what a person might think
of my skull wearing fire goddess.
which then i obsessed about for awhile
wondering if i would be labeled too dark
mostly thinking of how my younger sister would see it
my conservative republican trump-voting highly delusional little sister.
then i thought
if i had a horned skull and a feather tutu
i would totally wear that.
so it must not be weird,
then i was fine with it.
and today i have another goddess portrait
a river goddess
wearing welding goggles
because, you know, to keep water out of her eyes.
so tomorrow i go fetch my minions back
the end to my alone time…
and i won’t get a picture done tomorrow…maybe the next day?
so tomorrow i see dusty
which is how i prefer it.
i haven’t missed him at all.
i can just pretend he is still sitting at his laptop playing video games
or getting high in the garage.
not much different with him gone.
and i finally read my tarot cards today.
i have been avoiding them ever since they yelled at me about not
taking my art seriously.
today they told me
“keep on keeping on–& don’t fuck it up.”
so that’s my game plan.
steady as she goes…watch out for sink holes & water falls.
and here is my ink stain. i could see a face and knew it was a portrait of someone wearing goggles. i fleshed her out. then i found the river.
i didn’t draw a picture yesterday
i posted a picture
but i did not draw a picture
the crying lady
six years ago?
a historian of me
and my art
would have you notice the lack of ink brush painting
the use of pastels
the relatively light–
but still inaccurate–
so i didn’t draw yesterday. i was rabid most of the day. evil nasty pissy me was in charge of my brain yesterday. i did do some ink splattering, however. i probably should have posted that, at least, but–you know–rabies.
so i started a drawing today after the weirdness of thanksgiving was done
(why did my elderly aunt ask me if i had gotten my concealed carry license???)
i started a drawing but did not get too far before the minions were begging me to watch more doctor who. (more, doctor who, mummy–more!…i love my minions)
there is a deer, clear as the day if the day were inside my head amidst the sparks & sinkholes.
a reminder to be gentle.
be gentle, deer me.
my bones ache and teem with anger. repressed anger. oozing anger. anger that is easily directed at undeserving targets and leaves me knowing i am going to have a lot to make up in my next life….
i see deer a lot since a friend read me a medicine card with a deer in it. of course i live in the middle of the prairie lands…but still. one day four walked across the road in front of my car in the middle of a town. one night driving home, a buck darted right in front of my car. a doe stood, making me come to a stop, several yards past him. one day while gardening, a deer made her way across the field next to my yard, stopping to stare at me whenever my movements rustled the leaves around me.
meanwhile, i have banished an ex-husband and another ex-husband starts sending flirty emails. but the thing about my exes, they all have such thin skin. i have found that honesty sends them skittering away. i’m not trying to be mean…honest…i just tell them how i feel when they use me as a distraction…and they skitter away.
honesty is brutal. but it is also gentle. lies may hurt less, but they will kill you in the end.
so i guess today is the first day of the rest of my life
i know things won’t magically get better
just because i ousted the man
who helped me make myself
but i felt a ray of light
“i’m just going to relax.”
when i faced this first day
officially on my own.
then i felt the need to defend my decision
as if i was doing something wrong.
but, fuck it.
i’m going to sing & dance & play
and be ridiculous if i want to be
who made me feel as if
i had to be the grown-up
while he did whatever he wanted to do
i spent the past two days taking dusty his stuff and severing those ties. we now live in separate states. separate physical states. i think we always lived in separate mental states.
so maybe the spells & stones worked after all? maybe i had to go to that dark dark dark fucking place inside me to find the strength to separate myself from him and all he has taught me i am in the years we have been together.
to let go, i had to die a little.
but it worked. i am free. maybe for the first time in a decade or more. maybe for the first time in forever.
i am free and i am going to work all this anger out of my bones. all the anger i have absorbed over the years. i am going to work it out and learn to believe that i am worthy of love.
that will be weird.
if i believe i am worthy of good things?
that would be amazing.
so while on the road, i only got this doodle done. so i missed two days of posting. but i’m back now and will finish this doodle. here is what it looks like with just the first ink on the ink stain. more ink to come!
i feel like a failure.
what’s worse is that i feel like i am a failure at being a failure.
other people seem to be able to make a life out of failing.
i can’t even do that.
i want to tear a hole in the world with my teeth.
there is so much pain inside of me.
and when it comes out–
i feel even worse because i am causing pain.
i won’t tell you.
but i am a monster.
an awful horrible monster.
and that is not who i am supposed to be.
i don’t know why i am a monster.
i want to be a good person. a helpful person.
i can see that person in my head.
but i am not that person.
i am a monster.
i can see in my head
the person i was supposed to be.
kind & nurturing.
not a complete fucking mess
so angry at the world that it tears me apart
and spills ruination on anyone
i tried to so spells
to help me find balance
let go of negative thought patterns.
i think i somehow charged the stones
to do the opposite.
now i am an even bigger mess.
i started reading jenny lawson’s book
which highlights her struggles with mental illness
in a funny & heartwarming way….
i am frankenstein’s monster.
i wanted to love…
but all i can do is cause fear
i am an abomination.
i was once a sweet child.
a hopeful child.
but i grew into an abomination.
so i was raised catholic–which heavily influenced my love of dark art (as in macabre paintings–not black magic), incense, and organ music. it also encouraged my fascination with religion.
i realized i was actually pagan as a young adult–though it was obvious in retrospect considering that i watched for god in the clouds and talked to trees and surrounded myself with spirit animals as a child.
anyhoo–these two influences, catholicism & paganism, show up in my art a lot.
this picture seems ripe with symbolism, but i leave that to you, the viewer. i am not going to say what it is or is not about. i like to make the art and leave the interpretation of it to someone else.
i woke up this morning. started doing yard work, gardening, taking care of critters. then stopped to come in and make a vegetable mung bean noodle stew. i make egg noodles from scratch, and they are soooooooo yummy…but very time consuming.
after eating i immediately started today’s drawing because i knew i would not have time tonight because…
oh yeah, i’m going out.
i’m leaving the house.
i’m having grown up time with a friend.
so i leave you to psycho-analyze my art and figure out what the fuck is going on in my head.
ps. here is the original ink stain…