the embers of your life

you can’t put a bandaid
on a decapatation
you can’t
try to change that flat tire
as your car
careens off the cliff
bursting
into flames…
just sit back
&
light your cigarette
on the embers of your
life
& wait for the drama
to wane.

the drama is never going to wane. i should just accept that.
but this epiphany did make sense at the time as i was trying to pull it together on my birthday. realizing that trying to get your shit together when you are at your lowest point is probably a non-starter.
except now my birthday is over and i’m still having trouble pulling it together.
fuck me.

hide & seek

i used to hide
hoping someone
would come find me
no one
ever
did
(except once)
now i hide
knowing no one
is looking
for me
i am
alone
with my
siren song.

written on my birthday in case you were wondering how i fared on that day.
if you are curious about the one time someone came looking for me when i was hiding, check out my book confusion perfume and other neurotic comics where that phenomenon is documented. available through amazon!

i was hoping to feel better, but i am either sabotaging myself yet again or something else is going one…maybe the universe kicking me in the ass? like–why won’t my downloadable tv site work?? just let me escape into crime tv! please!

but no. my new (used) sink is leaking. i have failed the free store. my kids are out of control. the yard needs to be mowed. and i cannot download any television because the site i use is down….

sigh.

& i’m alone & lonely….

obligations

i don’t feel like
moving
i just want
to disappear
but that’s not
really an option
is it
some asshole
had the bright idea
to become a single mother
a freestore manager
to buy a house
that needs so much
work
(so much work)
some asshole
gave me obligations
so now i have to
fucking
get out of bed
even though i just
don’t
wanna.

i talked about this yesterday. of course i wrote this page on the 7th of july & it’s like 10 days later? still feeling it, i guess. not as much though now that i’m past my birthday & don’t have my next painful anti-versary coming up until next month? september for sure…
meanwhile, fuck i have a lot to do.

the ruins

i have been living
in the ruins of me
picking through
the rubble
rebuilding walls
just to watch them
crumble
back down
stumbling around
my own disaster
hoping i will find the
blue print
needed
to rebuild…hiding
from the world
outside
feeling exposed
vulnerable
lost within my own
world
the world i made
the world i desperately
need
to
redesign.

more on my trying to figure out me. as i type this, i feel i am just as lost as ever. not focusing. but there are the kids & the house & the free store & an upcoming art show & everything else i am committed to & all i want to do when i get a free moment is sit & maybe have a beer & lose myself in a book.

not so much

most days
these days
i want to kill myself
except
i don’t want to die
so i guess
there’s that.

more of that clawing my way out of my own life feeling. i am overwhelmed & frustrated & wanting to feel better but every time i see a glimpse of light, it gets stomped the fuck out. so then i just start fantasizing about horrible things to do to myself…but i don’t really want to do them…so why does the fantasy help me feel better?

velvet sky

i look up at a sky full of stars &
i do not feel alone. it’s all there,
i just have to look. a sky full of
velvet & a soul to match.

this was that same good day as the previous post. i have noticed that looking up at the stars when i am feeling so lost, looking up at the stars helps me catch my breath. when the world feels like it is losing its magic, one long gaze into a velvet sky helps to make the magic real again.

my broken sister

how many times have i written about my broken sister? too many times?
no matter how many times i write about her, nothing helps. it’s not helping her,
at least. does it relieve me of the guilt i feel? like look at my pain, my suffering
as the sister of this fabulously broken woman.
fuck me.

another exploration of the futility of my naval gazing masturbatory behavior via blogging & art journal…. but i just keep swimming, because it is all i know…and because if i stop swimming, i sink.

poop!

transformation is not a beautiful unfolding
it is not a gentle opening
transformation is violent & ugly & overwhelming
i feel like i am going to explode
am i going to explode?
i want to scream & bit & thrash & kick it all down.
i want to eat the world & make it my poop.

yup. that about sums it up. i am going through so much right now. so much. my brain is a bee hive that has been knocked over by a sleuth of bears. i am trying to survive being knocked over as well as trying to scare away those bears. and save my honey. rebuild my hive. protect my queen. so much to do just to survive the right now!
yup, that is the metaphor i am going with.

chaos theory

it’s about
welcoming
the chaos
not trying to control
the chaos
letting all
all the energies
the good &
the bad
move through
breathe through
with
small treasures
filtered out

working on balance in my household. my mothering requires that i not absorb all the chaos in the house or else i become overwhelmed & either shut down or freak out. however, trying to stop the chaos all together is fucking impossible (if you doubt this, i will be happy to send my kids over to your house.) so i need to find a way to filter through the chaos.
accepting it
& surviving it.

from my art journal

i go to see a doctor who is trained in the neurosciences and does a mix of chiropractic work & energy work. when i see him i often find an issue of mine to work on. this time it was when he almost seemed embarrassed to tell me i had a spot in me claiming that i am overwhelmed. he said it was arbitrary to everything he knew about me. then he found a spot telling him that i feel the need to do everything myself. he seemed to feel the spots conflicted. i told him, “you just described me. overwhelmed & trying to do it all myself.”
then i started thinking about it. am i overwhelmed? or is that just a story i tell myself? a handicap i give myself in this game called life? a backdoor to my problems?
these are the pages i wrote about it.

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