deconstructing

i feel like anger
has been woven into me
& now
i need to undo all these fibers
work backward
get the knot out
the fucked up stitch
& re-weave myself
into the person
i need to be
the person
i want to be
but
fuck me
it feels like so much work.

of course, if i don’t do the work, that will drive me crazy. looking at the mess of me will bug me until i finally do do the work.
and i will do it.
i will. just, right now, i could really use a nap.

“lydia”
8X10 ink on watercolor paper
$45 ish

happy ostara

yesterday was the spring equinox
i inked this for an equinox party i went to
while day & night are balanced
i am still feeling off-kilter
it’s getting old, y’all
this feeling of angst…
i wonder if it is due to the upcoming book
i wonder if it is due to trying to open up to love
i wonder if it is due to being overwhelmed as a mom
i wonder if it is this feeling that i need to evolve my art & am not sure how to do that
i wonder if it is due to being overwhelmed by everything i need to do at madness manor
i wonder if it is due to the anti-versary of nasty nastiness with dusty from 2015….
i wonder if it is all
all all all
of the above

poop.

in other news i have been binge-watching veronica mars with my kids and am concerned about my weird attachment to the character “logan.”
in other news i am working on a short story about a possible cougar….

to give a fuck or…

opposite this page in my journal is a list of ALL the people i have been “romantically” involved with from love letters to handjobs on amtraks to every position ever….
it is exactly the same as the number of u.s. presidents!
i was looking for a pattern. i think i secretly have a math brain because i do enjoy me some patterns.

in other news. i picked up a copy of mark manson’s the subtle art of not giving a fuck at the suggestion of my friend & fellow blogger, jason sandberg.
it’s pretty much a philosophy i have been following forever with many life suggestions i had already figured out through all my obsessive naval gazing…but it’s still nice to hear someone else say it.
so now i am wondering what i have to do to get a quote from mr. manson for my book the invisible exhibitionist where i expose everything in my own struggles with and embracing of a couldn’t-give-a-fuck mindset. hmmm…. anyone know him?

something i am examining from mr. manson’s book is that i have chosen my own struggles. sometimes, when i am wallowing in my sinkhole–completely overwhelmed, i act as if my life is not of my own choosing…when it so much is. four kids & a fixer upper…life as a starving artist & single mother…. that’s all on me. i did that. like, on purpose even. now what?
i will let you know what i figure out from this.

i

fall or fly

this is about where i am at
do i fly
or do i fall?

“fall or fly”
9X12 inking on watercolor paper
$45 plus $5 shipping

hmmm…recently i was trying to sell a woodburning stove i did not need and it was listed forever without selling. so i raised the price.
& it sold.
maybe i should raise the price on my inkings?

contrarily, i was getting the links for my books on amazon–their prices have plummeted…so, you know, get ’em before they hit the trash can?

flying & falling all over the place…mostly falling at the moment.

the embers of your life

you can’t put a bandaid
on a decapatation
you can’t
try to change that flat tire
as your car
careens off the cliff
bursting
into flames…
just sit back
&
light your cigarette
on the embers of your
life
& wait for the drama
to wane.

the drama is never going to wane. i should just accept that.
but this epiphany did make sense at the time as i was trying to pull it together on my birthday. realizing that trying to get your shit together when you are at your lowest point is probably a non-starter.
except now my birthday is over and i’m still having trouble pulling it together.
fuck me.

hide & seek

i used to hide
hoping someone
would come find me
no one
ever
did
(except once)
now i hide
knowing no one
is looking
for me
i am
alone
with my
siren song.

written on my birthday in case you were wondering how i fared on that day.
if you are curious about the one time someone came looking for me when i was hiding, check out my book confusion perfume and other neurotic comics where that phenomenon is documented. available through amazon!

i was hoping to feel better, but i am either sabotaging myself yet again or something else is going one…maybe the universe kicking me in the ass? like–why won’t my downloadable tv site work?? just let me escape into crime tv! please!

but no. my new (used) sink is leaking. i have failed the free store. my kids are out of control. the yard needs to be mowed. and i cannot download any television because the site i use is down….

sigh.

& i’m alone & lonely….

obligations

i don’t feel like
moving
i just want
to disappear
but that’s not
really an option
is it
some asshole
had the bright idea
to become a single mother
a freestore manager
to buy a house
that needs so much
work
(so much work)
some asshole
gave me obligations
so now i have to
fucking
get out of bed
even though i just
don’t
wanna.

i talked about this yesterday. of course i wrote this page on the 7th of july & it’s like 10 days later? still feeling it, i guess. not as much though now that i’m past my birthday & don’t have my next painful anti-versary coming up until next month? september for sure…
meanwhile, fuck i have a lot to do.

the ruins

i have been living
in the ruins of me
picking through
the rubble
rebuilding walls
just to watch them
crumble
back down
stumbling around
my own disaster
hoping i will find the
blue print
needed
to rebuild…hiding
from the world
outside
feeling exposed
vulnerable
lost within my own
world
the world i made
the world i desperately
need
to
redesign.

more on my trying to figure out me. as i type this, i feel i am just as lost as ever. not focusing. but there are the kids & the house & the free store & an upcoming art show & everything else i am committed to & all i want to do when i get a free moment is sit & maybe have a beer & lose myself in a book.

not so much

most days
these days
i want to kill myself
except
i don’t want to die
so i guess
there’s that.

more of that clawing my way out of my own life feeling. i am overwhelmed & frustrated & wanting to feel better but every time i see a glimpse of light, it gets stomped the fuck out. so then i just start fantasizing about horrible things to do to myself…but i don’t really want to do them…so why does the fantasy help me feel better?

velvet sky

i look up at a sky full of stars &
i do not feel alone. it’s all there,
i just have to look. a sky full of
velvet & a soul to match.

this was that same good day as the previous post. i have noticed that looking up at the stars when i am feeling so lost, looking up at the stars helps me catch my breath. when the world feels like it is losing its magic, one long gaze into a velvet sky helps to make the magic real again.

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