my wonderful walls

you know what
my walls are awesome
art deco
& mosaic
i should not just try
to knock them down
they protect
the garden of me
my life story
written
on those walls
my life’s work
written
into the stone
& sand
of them
my inner warrior
stands
at the garden gate
& my attempts
to break the walls down
casues her
to become
even more feral
& foreboding
but respect those walls
you & me
& that warrior
might just
grant you access
might just
show you her smile.

so trying to break down walls was a bit of the wrong direction. my walls are there for a reason. i might need to meditate on opening doors rather than tearing down an essential part of me.

seed or stone?

I am a mushy plum
with a stone
for a heart
can i love?
am i even
able
to accept a man
into that hard hard
heart
of mine?
i think i am afraid
to make someone
happy
after so so many years
of being
so so
successful
at making others
miserable
what if
i would rather
make you cry
than to see
your smile?

i am thinking a lot about opening myself up to love. something i have not done for many many years–if ever. i built all these walls and traps to keep love away. now i am ready to think about family. and to me, family includes a relationship with a man.
but sometimes when i imagine being in a relationship…i just feel terrified.
and then i wonder if i am even capable of being in a relationship….

(here is the complete page–tomorrow’s post will be the opposite page to today’s)

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