confusion perfume

i’m at a crossroads
turn back?
to the crap i know
the familiar crap
the daily rejections
or forward
left or right
does it even matter?
onward
to unfamiliar crap
& all new rejection
fresh horrors
which way do i go
when all i want
is to be heard
to be seen
to not just be their mirror
for their warped soul
eyes that only seek out
my own
for the benefit of seeing
their reflection
in me
which way do i go…
wait
can i unfold my wings now
can i choose to fly
not backwards
not forwards
not left or right
but up
up & away?

so i’m still trying to do the internet dating thing…though i have deleted my profile at least 3 times & started over….
i’ve made dates & broken them.
i’ve been made fun of by men who think they’re smarter than me.
i’ve been asked to be a submissive (told him i can’t do what i’m told to save my life)
i’ve been asked to be a dominant (never responded because i was so creeped out by this guy)

i dunno.

i started just messaging guys who had interesting or intriguing or message-worthy profiles. some actually messaged back. one seems pretty cool….

meanwhile…

dusty seems to think we are in a relationship. or desperately wants to be in a relationship with me? that’s the way it goes with dusty. he only wants me when i don’t want him. and i used to only want him when he wanted me…but then i realized that i don’t need to be rejected to feel loved. funny that.

so he is always asking to “talk” to me about something. after how many years of marriage of my begging him to talk to me. after i finally divorced him. after he tried to hurt me with other women. after i gave him an ultimatum and he chose option b….
now he wants to talk.
all the time.

i haven’t told him i am trying to re-enter the dating pool. i’m not sure it’s any of his business. i really don’t think it is. i have been clear with him…if he chooses not to listen to me–still!–is that my fault?

so today i dug out the test i wrote back in my late twenties.
no one ever passed it.
i eventually gave up & got married anyway.

also!
i dug out the comic i wrote about the test i made and the fact that i never followed through with it….

which made me miss writing comics a lot more than it made me miss dating….

don’t let the crazy leak out

don’t let the crazy leak out
hold in
breathe in
keep it in
don’t let the crazy out
don’t show your hand too soon
get under his skin
become a rash
he doesn’t know he has
an itch he just has to scratch
be charming
drop those red flags
like dainty, lace handkerchiefs
that he will pick up
and find endearing
before he realizes what they are
and then it is too late
he’s stuck with you
voila
love.

so, when i think about starting a relationship, i am like elsa in frozen. (for those of you who don’t have princess-loving children, that is a disney movie loosely based on hans christen anderson’s story “the snow queen.”) when she is trying to hide her strangeness, she feels she has to hold it in–but once she flees society she feels she can be whoever she wants to be.

yeah.

that’s me with relationships. dainty red neurotic flags…oops, did i drop that?

so even though i have been determined to marry my homestead & live happily ever after without a man in my life, i found myself cruising “plenty of fish” and online shopping for a relationship…again.
i didn’t expect to find anything. it was mostly restless energy & hormones. longing for an adult conversation.
i don’t know if i have found anything, but my heart is doing that stupid fluttery thing. wow. i haven’t felt that for awhile.
but he’s too perfect. too pretty. so i am bound to fuck it up.
wait.
stop.
don’t think like that.
be positive.
i am a precious jewel. i am a fascinating creature. i am strong & beautiful woman. i am intelligent & creative & just super fucking awesome…i am worth the trouble….

he says he’s an empath. he seems–dare i say it–relatively sane?

so i will fuck it up.
(no no no. not there again.)

i was “chatting” with some other guy who was all like, “you seem like a catch. why are you single?” and i responded, in typical em style, “oh no. i’m difficult. & strange.” yup. never heard from that guy again.

no one gets me.

but what if this one does? ah crap. i need to check my bee hives. build a new chicken coop. do laundry. muck a sheep stall…what am i thinking?

(ps. i gave up on my idea of cultivating mushrooms when i realized you have to have a clean–super clean–house to do it in. i was all like, “sign from the universe, you are meant to forage for mushrooms!” ha!)

focus on art (not romance)

i really have been trying to get art done. aside from being distracted by dating sites, part of my process is to just stare at ink stains. this one feels really strong to me. i see the picture already, and for that reason, i am hesitant to start because i am afraid i will fuck it up & not pull off the image that is already in my head.

also on the table for today is trying to do intentional stains for pictures. instead of letting the stain choose the form entirely, manipulating it a bit to capture what i am thinking. i’m going to play around, see what happens. i’m still not sure it is a direction i want to go, but i definitely want to play with it.

i am very excited about my art right now. what started as an exercise is turning into a style that i really click with. i love the randomness of it. i love the originality of it. i end up creating pictures i never would have if i had just sat down with a blank piece of paper. and no one else can do it. i mean, give the exact same stain to another person, it will turn into a different drawing. plus, they cannot be replicated. i could take one image and replicate it, but i cannot replicate the stain that creates the inspiration for the image. if that makes sense. and that really appeals to me.

each one is a special snowflake…just like me…ha!

so i am posting this now, in the morning, to see if it reaches more people. often my inkings are not finished until evening or even night depending on the behavior of my minions and my attention span. i post them then…but i am wondering if i should wait & post them the following morning/afternoon.

let me know if you have an opinion.

finally.
i quit the plenty of fish online dating site. so that’s two dating sites down. next time i weaken, i will have to try another one. but for the time being, i just want to focus on my art and see if any romance happens organically. i don’t like trying to force it, and i felt like i was forcing it. i felt like i was saying, “oh he’s not completely awful” when i should be saying, “holy crap i would have a fifth child to be with him!” (i don’t want a fifth child to come out of my body–just demonstrating what i would do for the right guy…hopefully the right guy would not want to make more babies with me because…well, that ship has sailed. again, just emphasizing what kind of insanity i want to feel when i see a potential mate…hmmm. maybe i shouldn’t date until after menopause sets in….)

so!
in summary, i am focusing on my art which i have fallen in love with and not worrying about the whole dating thing right now.

yay.

the intervention

i have been spending way too much time goofing off with the online shopping for relationships.
it’s not that i’m that desperate & lonely–although sometimes it feels as if i am that desperate & lonely.
it’s just that i really enjoy the attention. i enjoy the dialogue. i enjoy just saying whatever pops into my head to a total stranger & not caring if they decide to block me or not.
let’s call it an exercise.
can we call it an exercise?
make it so i’m not some shallow narcissist playing with the fragile egos of men.
i’m not.
i’m really really not.
i’m being honest.
but so many of them are not asking for honesty….
so who am i to interject with the blunt truth when we are having such a nice conversation?
although, today i did have to tell a nice gentleman that i was not interested in dating him. he took it very well. so yay for that.
and i got refused very nicely by one of the few men i have initiated contact with (none of the others have replied to me!) he said he was already seeing someone.
every day i think
today i am going to delete my account….
maybe tomorrow.

(i think i made a date today…with an older man…i don’t do older men. sure sure, my first husband was seven years older than me. but usually, usually i like the younger men. you know…except i really do like the twelfth doctor. iggy suggested i should date the twelfth doctor.)

so here is a white ink stain on gray paper. i like the way it worked out. i need to play around with it more. it is difficult laying other colors on top of the white, so it got a bit blotchy when i tried to shade. that’s something i need to play with. but i really like how my map turned out (i love maps.)

 

watching the ink dry.

i think i’m addicted to online shopping for relationships.

i’m having conversations with people i am not romantically interested in just to have a grown up conversation. is that against the rules? my plan is to just bail & cancel my account if things go south.

ha!

i did a bunch of ink stains last night. i am waiting for them to dry. looks like picnic style meals today! yay! another thing they will put in their tell-all autobiographies.

here is kind of an idea of what the white ink on grey & brown tone paper will look like:

img_3160

i am very excited. looking at the stains as the ink dries. so excited!

slowly

gad. this is how i feel today.

i wish i could just hang from a tree and let vegetation grow in my hair.

the minions would chop that fucking tree down and pluck me naked though. get this. i’m trying to do yoga. except it’s very free form. stretching & poses combined with weights & kickboxing & dancing. i did it successfully while they were at their dad’s. so i have been trying to keep it up.
they roll my yoga mat up and pretend it’s a gun.
they roll each other up in my yoga mat.
they latch onto my ankles and sit on my feet.
today, i had to search the house for my weights because someone ran off with my weights.

fuck a duck.

what is that? i am stressed out and want to exercise to reduce my stress and depression and body fat so i can feel better about myself. and they do everything they can to stop me? what is the evolutionary purpose of pissing off the mama when she is trying to de-stress? i am not sure my minions have a clear idea of survival instincts.

also. i was going to do this picture yesterday, and even spent ample time just staring at the stain, but ended up trying out another dating site instead. i am going fucking stir crazy and no person should be subjected to the tortures my minions inflict on me. no one should have to spend isolated days being screamed at by one’s offspring.

slowly1

so as an escape i started online shopping for relationships. i can say that plenty of fish is way better than okcupid. i dunno. i’m not sure i can do it. but at least i’m having adult conversations with other grown ups. you know, cyberly. but i totally do not understand why someone would put up a photo of themselves wearing sunglasses as a profile picture. and why do you need to show me your motorcycle, boat, off-road vehicle, fast car, fish trophy, etc. what is that? is that some male instinct to prove something? and what does having that stuff prove exactly? you are good at providing yourself with lots of toys? also. the need to let the ladies know you are a good cuddler. i do not get it. it actually gives me the heebie-jeebies.

so at least i am entertaining myself and my minions run circles around me screaming their little heads off.

swim

i had to quit shopping for people online. i mean, i felt i was really clear on my profile, but i shouldn’t be surprised to realize that most men don’t actually read the profile. there is a “message me if” section where i wrote:

honestly, i am just here to find someone to talk to. i don’t want anyone who is going to judge me or who just wants to get laid or who is going to tell me how to live my life. i just want someone to laugh with. to share little parts of my day with.

if i ever do this again–i’m going to add sometime like, “start you message with ‘hello sunshine!’ to show you actually read my profile.”

bleah.

i had a very nice gentleman go into way way way too much detail about what he wants from a sexual partner.
i had another man emailing me his intentions and being very enthusiastic about my being the one…then i got a facebook message from one of the other women he has been wooing. we compared notes and decided that he was not being at all honest. she went on to find yet another woman he was actively pursuing.

i had to cancel my membership.

but i realize something. i am special. you know, in a snowflake kind of way. someone would be lucky to have me in their life. i am not a complete fuck up. i have made a lot of mistakes and done a lot of regrettable things. but i am true to who i am.

and that is good.

someday i might even meet the person who appreciates & celebrates that.

but probably not on an online dating site.

so! new year; new drawing. i really like this one. i have been using sketch paper. it’s not always the best, but i kind of like the way the ink changes the paper. so i will keep playing around with it. however, i forget about the little perforated line and my inkings keep going right on over it. so that is something to think about.

happy new year!

swim1