i miss sex, y’all.
like i’m some fucking monk….
i know i can go on okcupid & find a hook-up. god knows i’ve had offers when i’ve been on there. (my profile is down right now because i don’t know what i want…or, rather, i don’t think that what i want can be found on a dating site.)
but i don’t work like that. i mean, i will think–sure just sex–that’s cool. but if i’m willing to have sex with you, dude, i’m going to fall in love with you.
if the right person looks at me just the right way, i fall in love. i watched the sound of music with my kids the other day & fell in love with christopher plummer. god he looks good with dark hair–& those piercing eyes…sigh.
man, i miss sex.
it’s been over a year. i don’t know for sure how long because i didn’t know that the last time was the last time.
since september of 2002, i have only had sex with dusty.
that might not seem odd to some of y’all, but here’s the thing, before dusty, i had had sex with 30 people. i was 32 when i met dusty and had decided that my number of partners could absolutely not surpass my age.
he was #31.
so 16 years with only one partner….
i mean, if we were still married, i would be proud of that. but we divorced in 2010. we continued to have a relationship with each other…but he also went off the rails & was having all kinds of relationships with all kinds of people.
while i had lost my mojo.
i lost my mojo.
i miss sex.
but sex is tricky for me. i have all that hard-core catholic programming of sex is bad (unless you are making a baby in wedlock.)
and then i have all the fucked up programming of my fucked up parents who modeled for me that a romantic relationship is a balance of fighting & fucking.
also, being a mom has made me self-conscious about my sex drive. it’s when the minions are away that i remember–
i am by nature a very sexual creature.
i am not going to go into details because of my latent catholicism and because i know i am inviting the wrong kind of attention by talking openly about sex while being a woman.
but i am–mostly–okay with this part of me. if you are into astrology, i am a cancer with a scorpio moon & scorpio rising. that’s like: sex sex emotions sex emotions & sex…with a lot of emotion.
i like sex.
it is something i am good at. (really really good–again, can’t go into details, but…really)
i miss sex.
but i don’t foresee myself having it again…unless i meet someone i can actually have a lasting & healthy relationship with.
some days that feels like the most impossible thing ever.
and i just find myself thinking…
i miss sex.
you just have to sit
& do nothing
to stare at the ceiling fan
i have chocolate cake
is it possible
to fall in love
with just someone’s nipples?
hear me out
black & white photo
just the torso
in a tight t-shirt
with magnificent nipples
why are my ducks so loud?
incessant quacking and–
fuck…now i’m out of ink
how am i supposed to have a train
god i miss those nipples
to an okcupid
i really need to figure my art
i really need to figure my life
no–i almost had it
the answer to everything
but then i just start thinking
so here’s a change of pace. just a random stream-of-consciousness about a stranger’s nipples…for those of you tired of reading about my obsessive attachment to an ex or my bouts of loneliness & self-doubt.
i have been goofing off on online dating sites again. leave me alone all by myself in the middle of nowhere with my idle thoughts and then i’m all like, “you know who would benefit from these idle thoughts? random people on the internet!” and where do you find random people on the internet willing to listen to my idle thoughts (at least for a message or two….) that’s right–okcupid!
so there you go.
it’s like talking to myself…but with another person.
wait…you know what that is?
a motherfucking conversation!
i try to tweet, but i get a much better following on dating sites. i have no idea why. i’m honestly shocked when anyone actually responds to me or my profile. but strangely they do. it’s a nice little ego boost. maybe i should just post all my art over there…..
i was drawing this self-portrait on this stream of consciousness piece and thought–that doesn’t look like me. but then i realized it does look like me–if i knew how to put on make-up. so i left the freckles out, assuming that make-up would cover them up. but look! i have eyelashes.
and i fucked up the hand again. it’s going in the wrong direction. i’m like dyslexic about fingers. so, you know what? it’s someone else’s hand.
now that’s sexy.
something about me is off
my magic is askew
i was ignored by a librarian
& rebuffed by a mechanic
strangers are strangely nice to me
yesterday…not so much
yesterday i forgot & left the lid
off of one of my temperamental pens
so intent i was on doing battle against
& my pen dried out
& my other pen wouldn’t work
& i felt as if my hands were cut off
yesterday i kept trying to continue a conversation
that i don’t know why i’m having it
but i keep trying to connect
where maybe there is no connection
maybe i am a solitary
& maybe i mess it up
by fighting it
by always fighting
my life & ways….
i recently ordered a new copy of everyday magic & gave my old copy to my son. i ordered a used copy of it and when it arrived there were post-it notes marking all of the love spells. it’s weird. you would think that whoever brought in the used books would have removed all of these post-its. they are sticking out of the book all over the place…. i felt sad for the previous owner of the book. so desperate to find love…and apparently she gave up.
then i started to wonder. maybe the post-its are for me? maybe i was sent a book full of love spells for a reason? maybe i am doing this all wrong? my life….
i feel like i am doing everything all wrong lately.
trying to online date. exposing myself to the callousness of strangers. making myself too too too vulnerable.
trying to connect with people on facebook (yes, i am back on facebook because i am trying to promote mistress of mud–a lovely lovely book i illustrated)
however, i joined a women homesteaders group recently on facebook. because, well, i’m a woman. i homestead. i am desperate for community. and then i’m over-connecting. it’s weird. this fine line for me. wanting to connect…but not wanting so much exposure. wanting to be noticed while i stay safely invisible.
commenting & posting, i feel over-connected.
and i start to wonder if i should just say “fuck it” & get off of this over-connected mass of loneliness we call the internet. live in real time.
(but here i am…blogging about it instead)
and i was contacted by a guy on okcupid. it went against two of my rules for me to contact him back. his profile picture (& only one) was of him shirtless in bed. my “eww” rule. also, he had barely written anything on his profile & he had only answered the minimum of match questions. so i couldn’t do my “deal breaker” look-see in his match questions. like guys who don’t believe in evolution…or racist/sexist guys…or anti-feminism guys. that sort of thing. oh! guys who think you should never be comfortable farting around each other. what the what?
so i broke my rules to contact him back. why? he’s a redhead. something in the way he looks in what may or may not be his real profile picture.
so i message him to see what he wants.
he says he would “love” a conversation.
so i try to start one…& he won’t let me. every time i try to start a conversation, he responds in the bare minimum of words possible.
i think he might be an alien.
so that up thar is a picture of my first black lamb with her daddy. i always wanted a black lamb. ever since i was a little girl named “mary.”
here is her twin with his mama.
lambs are so cute.
i look at them & think, “how am i supposed to eat you?”
like i’m the big bad wolf.
so i need to figure out what is askew in my energy. too much alcohol while the minions are away? over-exposing my solitary witchy ways to the world at large via internet? still not being able to embrace chaos though i have cats & kids & goats eager to be my companions on that path? running away from myself?
am i running away from myself?
who am i?
who am i?
what do i want?
fuck a duck.
there is a part of me
that will always
until i can search it out
& stomp it
why yes, i have been doing my yoga…why do you ask?
my minions are in wisconsin with dusty & my heart is breaking & i am promising myself to cherish them every intense moment when i have them back once more in my clutches.
i had a promising conversation with an okcupid-er but the problem was he changed his profile age from 45 to 35 sometime between my messaging him & his messaging me back. when i asked he claimed to be 35…but then i read through all of his answers to the match questions, & he repeatedly referred to himself as being in his forties in the answers (which did not even ask for an age–yet he volunteered it over & over again.) so i politely–ever so politely–asked him about it…and never heard back from him again.
online dating is beyond weird.
in other news, buttercup, one of my two ewes, gave birth last night. i went out to dump water buckets (so no ice in the morning) at sunset, & she was not in the pasture with luke but in the sheep hut. this is not like her. so i went in to check & heard a baby bleating before i even saw the lamb. she went on to have another lamb (twins!) i checked on her throughout the night because last time she gave birth, at dusk, i left her alone and then found a dead twin in the morning. she did fine. the night was nice and dark though. cold & windy.
it amazes me how a newborn sheep can seem fine with this february weather. yikes. but so far so good. they are both active & happy today.
though i feel sad that the minions weren’t here to see the lambs born.
they should be here.
they belong here.
i miss my minions.
i don’t want to be alone.
i just wanted
if i could fill up a page
(i like this one–i don’t always like my self-portraits–but i really really like this one)
i am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the online dating. trying not to become jaded with all the ickiness of it…but still keeping it as a viable option for having (at the very least) a conversation.
much like grade school
no one i’ve liked has liked me back.
so i fill up a page with me.
here i am!
don’t forget! if you love (or even just like it) my art, you can now buy a book that i illustrated: mistress of mud
make me yours
pull me under
for you are
after drawing this i realized it looks a lot like a portrait of my mother that hung on our wall all through my childhood. a portrait from when she was young & full of hope? was my mother ever hopeful?
after finding myself so angry at the chaos around me. goats jumping fences. chickens digging where i can’t have them digging. then escaping when i try to pen them. goats jumping other fences. children. children. children being children.
maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.
embrace the chaos.
do not fight it anymore.
let the chaos embrace me.
don’t ask about okcupid.
it’s gotten ugly.
that might just be me. feeling the angst of shallow waters. wading around when i want to be deep sea diving.
speaking of shallow places, i am back on the facebook. but for a good reason! remember my illustrations for mistress of mud? (if you don’t, there is a link up yonder)
so i illustrated a book for a friend, and that book is ALMOST ready for me to publicize & promote! yay!
but i had to go back on facebook to do so.
don’t worry…i will do it here as well.
holy crap, y’all
i got a little addicted to the okcupid.
i jokingly told my kids that it was my favorite
i would go to the profile of someone
i had more in common with
& very little uncommon with
and i would read through their answers
to those random
fucked up questions
i think i lost two days?
depression, loneliness, & online dating
my idea was
i would find someone sane
to date, fall in love, & rule the world with
and i looked at all these guys
while giving some vanilla (vanilla for me)
to hard questions
(some i did answer more hap-hazardly)
hoping to find mr. right-minded.
you know the guy who
lets me be as crazy as i need to be
but is there to catch me when i fall.
i messaged some of those guys.
so then one night i come across the most bitterly
& admittedly not-right-in-the-head profile
and i’m all like
i love you!
&, of course, not being right in the head
i message him this.
not even the crazies
are crazy enough
to date me.
but enough about me.
here is page two of my graphic novel moses jones: apocalyptic mama. i haven’t done any art in the past couple of days due to binging on okcupid & then crying myself to sleep, but i hope to do some tonight. maybe a new page of mojo? so those of you who have never read it, take a peek. there is a link up yonder. and if you feel like collaborating &/or dating & running away with me. give me a holler.
(“rosanna” by toto just came on my mix, so i’m guess that that is a sign that the one crazy enough to sweep me off my feet is near 😉 )
ps. i put this photo of me awkwardly playing with my bokken on my okcupid profile…bad idea or good idea?