is it something in the wind?
is it a changing of the seasons?
you try to remember the last time
the last time
the last time you convinced yourself
things could be different between you & him
was it just a few months ago?
you remember screaming
& throwing him
out of your house
your second son’s birthday…
the last time you invited him in
into your house
just a little
the door peeked open
& he pushed his way in
& you pushed him back out again
until you wonder
why is there a revolving door on your heart?
after all this time
all these years
why is he still
doing this dance
selfie with my dodo, y’all.
so i talked to my tarot cards tonight…about my crazy-ass feelings for my ex-husband, aka dusty…
i was told to control my impulses…to not jump into anything…to not abandon the path i have worked so hard on taking….
my tarot cards never let me have any fun.
but, of course, they are right.
even if i were to work things out with my very handsome though emotionally stunted & narcissistic ex-husband, i should not–should definitely not–rush into it.
of course, i don’t know how to not rush into things…so i guess now is the time to learn.
in other news,
i lost my favorite pen. it has completely vanished. poof. gone. a replacement tip in the same size is $17.00 (i have several pens with clogged tips & could just switch out a new tip in the size of my favorite pen.) i have ordered one because the art must go on…but, i am on the verge of being very very broke & you know, donations are always welcome…as are purchases of my art.
should i set up a patreon page or something?
i need an agent/broker.
the world revolved
but turning in circles
i am still
to trust again
i have a dog now
to warm that empty spot
in my bed
to warm that empty spot
in my heart
i replaced you
i replaced you
with a puppy.
this was kind of quick & messy. i based it on a portrait i found by googling “portrait with dog.” it was between james tissot’s “young lady in a boat” and a portrait of a topless woman gesturing to her dog. i was really tempted to do the topless one, but went with the more tasteful one…you’re welcome.
so after writing this i realized…. well, probably while writing this i realized…it seems…sigh….it seems i am still in love with my ex-husband aka “dusty.”
a shocking revelation…or not so much if you have followed my journals for more than a couple of weeks….
also! it is completely possible that i’m just trying to avoid my own healing by focusing on my feelings for him.
so, even though i have a dog to sleep with now…i find myself missing the warmth of an ex i thought i was mostly over.
i know i do this. i yo-yo.
fuck fuck fuck.
so my head is spinning again.
and i’m trying to work through it without accidentally finding myself in a relationship with him…again.
so…more journal pages on that.
(in case you were wondering, i almost never use the inktober prompts. as with the rest of life, i prefer to go off script)
every time i see you
how are you still able to break my heart?
how are you still able to make it beat faster?
so fucking hard
i still love you
i have let you go
so many times now
i have become a revolving door for you
another page inspired by seeing dusty and having to fight the desperate longing for him that i thought i had managed to kill.
please don’t be sweet
with your playful eyes
if you are sweet…
it is so much easier
to hate you
i only want to
i cannot afford to
to fall back into that
that close to
don’t be sweet
with your seductive eyes
so sweet that i
all the good times
the bad times
to touch you
if i do
i will be caught in a cascade…
i’m begging you
so i had an on-again/off-again relationship with the father of my children that lasted close to forever & almost killed me.
it took me so many times of trying to leave him…& so many years to recover from his influence on me.
he is emotionally abusive, manipulative, & narcissistic.
but, apparently, i love him?
what the fuck.
most days i would not admit that. most days i would have a clear & close hold on to all the bullshit he put me through in the years i have known him. a shield made of bad memories.
but i saw him on tuesday…
& he was all sweet & silly.
he was dressed so strangely. unorthodox. which, of course, caused me to find him attractive. i mean, he is attractive–physically. when i met him he was kind of awkward & goofy, but as he aged he became gorgeous. so when a gorgeous man dresses in an unorthodox way–it has kind of a stunning effect…at least on me.
so now i am trying to hold it together.
to not do anything