my first beluga whale

so there was this open space in the upper right hand corner that kept me perplexed through quite a few episodes of offspring today.

(now i feel defensive about the fact that i am sitting in a chair zoning out to dramadies when maybe i should be doing something productive…or at least cleaning the fucking living room or scrubbing out the toilet that has some mystery staining going on…earning money towards my building debt? fuck. this all started when i became a stay at home mom…the feeling defensive if i’m not doing ten things at once. thinking someone is going to say something snide…well, okay, because the ex always did.
so now i am sitting on my ass crying over a tv show because they pointlessly killed off my favorite character.
fuck.)

beluga1

so anyway. this blank spot. i found so many things on the left side of the paper and it was getting so lopsided. but all i  could see were more dragons and i just could not do another dragon inking. so i looked & looked & looked and then realized there could be something getting ready to dive into that pond there.

and that’s when i found my happy beluga whale.

tada.

i like this picture. it seems…happy-ish.

my dogs should come home tomorrow. from the vet. they are almost fully de-toxed. i don’t know how much it will cost, but i did manage to sell eleven prints in my first attempt to make money with my art. so that’s exciting.

and terrifying.

and i am terrified.

i might have a deep fear of happiness & success & being loved & being able to love…. i don’t feel worthy, i guess. like i’m too badly damaged to do the stuff that normal people do.

fuck.

but i did this inking today. and started getting an order ready for printing….
wait.
maybe i should dress up & pretend i am someone else when i try to sell my art. that always worked when i used to wait tables…hmm. maybe i am on to something.

green man

oh.
i did manage to finish an inking.
sure,
it took me like 3 days when normally i do one a day…
but you must understand
i have been binge watching the australian tv show
offspring
for four days straight.

fuck me.

last time my kids when to the ex’s
i was all like
“whoo hoo! look at me go!”

this time i just want to crawl in a hole
and wait for them to come home.
i tried to clean the living room today
and failed.
and, of course, i poisoned iggy’s dog

iggy is the one most attached to me
of my four attached children.
i was 43 weeks when the doctors insisted on
cutting him out of me.
sometimes i think
he would have stayed if it were left up to him.

he is the one calling me on the phone
telling me how much he misses me.
and i wonder.
is he missing me so much because i am missing him?
or vice versa?
do we have a link that is making both of us sad
somehow
this time?

but

despite my sad lonely lonliness
and lonely alone sadness
i did finish an inking.

so there is that.

greenman1

and now back to binge watching
aussie tv
on netflix.

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