church of the lawnscape

i know now
why we’re so fucked up
as a society…
it’s that we don’t get the therapeutic
meditative
cardio
workout
of mowing our lawns with a reel mower
& scythe
dude…
i’m serious here
as a hand dish washing
line hanging out laundry
reel mowing
she-ra
i am here to tell you
listen as i preach it
an easy life
is no life at all
work it, people
work it….

as the main representative of the church of the reel mower & sole member/candidate of the thunderdome political party….
i do need to start recruiting.

seriously, y’all. i just want someone to praise me…worship me…speak my name with such devotion….

i don’t know if y’all can see it, but i am mowing a little every day around the house to create some yard so the minions don’t have to go in the weeds if they don’t want to.
i am completely ocd about it. i get out there with that fucking mower & i cannot stop. then, when i finally do, every muscle in my body says, “goodnight.”
it’s clearing my head as i clear some lawn.
i really do think we as a society have lost our priorities. someday i will get that church going–get that political party started….
in the meantime, i am feeling fine.

also! i finished the seascapes i was commissioned to do.

in other news, i have been thinking a lot about direction. i feel that my self-portrait series is wrapping itself up. even though i was told to pay no attention to the critique that questioned my writing abilities
(thank you for your support, xxoo), i have been thinking about it. i want a strong narrative to go with my self-portrait series. so i think i am going to go back through all those journals and try to create that narrative. i don’t know if it will end up being more verse than prose or more prose than verse…or a mix of the two.
but it is time to embrace an ending to it…& also a beginning.

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moonlight epiphanies

moonlight epiphanies

maybe i cursed myself
not the moon
not a man
but me
i brought down
my mojo
locked it away
safe inside
keeping love
as a thing
i’ll never
meet.

swim

i had to quit shopping for people online. i mean, i felt i was really clear on my profile, but i shouldn’t be surprised to realize that most men don’t actually read the profile. there is a “message me if” section where i wrote:

honestly, i am just here to find someone to talk to. i don’t want anyone who is going to judge me or who just wants to get laid or who is going to tell me how to live my life. i just want someone to laugh with. to share little parts of my day with.

if i ever do this again–i’m going to add sometime like, “start you message with ‘hello sunshine!’ to show you actually read my profile.”

bleah.

i had a very nice gentleman go into way way way too much detail about what he wants from a sexual partner.
i had another man emailing me his intentions and being very enthusiastic about my being the one…then i got a facebook message from one of the other women he has been wooing. we compared notes and decided that he was not being at all honest. she went on to find yet another woman he was actively pursuing.

i had to cancel my membership.

but i realize something. i am special. you know, in a snowflake kind of way. someone would be lucky to have me in their life. i am not a complete fuck up. i have made a lot of mistakes and done a lot of regrettable things. but i am true to who i am.

and that is good.

someday i might even meet the person who appreciates & celebrates that.

but probably not on an online dating site.

so! new year; new drawing. i really like this one. i have been using sketch paper. it’s not always the best, but i kind of like the way the ink changes the paper. so i will keep playing around with it. however, i forget about the little perforated line and my inkings keep going right on over it. so that is something to think about.

happy new year!

swim1

not so tight

i like to be held
but not so tight
a million years ago
i wrote a short story
about a woman who would
sneak away from her lover’s grasp
in the night as he slept
she would dance
and stretch
and feel free
before sneaking back in
so that he would not feel lost
unloved
missing her

that’s kind of what it’s like
as an empath
in a dishonest relationship
giving the other person
what they want
no questions asked
and only sneaking away
if at all
to fulfill your own needs.

but no more.
no more for me.
i like to be held
but not so tight.

i turned off all my empathy
to push him away
i did not do it on purpose
i wanted him to leave
and sought protection for my empathic ways
but in the doing
i shut off all my empathy–my ability to care
and was left with only tremendous anger.
so much anger.

now i am working on
turning my heart back on
working the anger out of my soul
without leaving a gap
big enough
for him to sneak back in.

i found this article today
17 things that happen when an empath loves a narcissist

and i realized that i have been doing 1-12 since 2002
but i have finally reached 14!
it is a slow and painful
so painful!
process…
but i am moving forward now.
no more circles.
no more destructive cycles.

(crap…i forgot to take a picture of the ink stain)

 

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