nevermind

i just had to
google
“NVM”
after receiving it in a message
no
wait
it was the message
three little letters
funny
i still feel the pull
to put a “dear” & a
“sincerely”
but i live in a world
of incomplete
words
nevermind
complete thoughts
dreams
complete sentences
i
feel
like
crying
about it
but i cannot say for sure why
except
i suddenly feel
like a dinosaur
in a
time machine
frantically
pushing
buttons
…ah….
nevermind

(did everyone’s editor switch to hot pink? man, i’m loving the hot pink.)

ps. i totally wish my eyebrows were this full. i think i might start magic markering them in…or get eyebrow plugs.

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strong in the force

i can feel you
in my bones
like a nostalgia
you can wear
snug
& warm
comforting but suffocating
i can feel you
& i watch
for you to
somehow
wander back into my
life
while telling myself to
knock it the fuck
off
i can feel you
in the tears
i can no
longer
cry
but
still
do
i can feel you
like an impending
thunderstorm
the smell of rain
anticipation
hope.

it has been almost five months since i have looked at his instagram. but i did look, after the dreams started. and he is in illinois. chicago, at least.
and i can imagine him coming to see me.
i can imagine it so vividly.
the look on his face
what he would say….

there are just two men whom i have actually, truly loved out of the dozens–yes dozens–of men whom i have known, you know, biblically….
once loved…always loved. that’s how i know the love was (is) true.
how do you forget something like that?

you don’t.

it pops up in your dreams to haunt you & you find yourself doodling him as the leia to your luke. (before it was known they were actually siblings)

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