moving on

i can’t remember
how many times i’ve
packed
up my life
how many times i’ve
moved
in my life
i do know that this
will be the ninth time
i’ve packed up & moved
with kids
will this be the last time?
my forever home at last?
somehow
i have trouble
imagining
sitting still
& putting down
roots
no matter how many times
i tell myself
it is
the thing
to do.

my record for times moving (in both a calendar year & a 12 month period) is six times. that was in the nineties.
i spent the first almost eighteen years of my life in one house. i moved out the week i graduated high school. my first move!
i can tell you the states: illinois to iowa to illinois to virginia to kentucky to texas to kentucky to illinois to kentucky to texas to kentucky to illinois to kentucky to colorado to kentucky to texas to georgia to kentucky to wisconsin to illinois to wisconsin.
i think i got that right? maybe not. that’s from 1988 to present. that does not include moves within a state. the aforementioned six moves in a year was in normal, illinois. i can’t even remember all the places i lived there. but, all my stuff fit in my car so moving was not an ordeal like it is today where i have to spend weeks packing & then rent the biggest truck available.
yikes!
anyone want to help me with this last (???) move?

random thoughts in order of appearance pretending to be cohesive

i love the wide open sky
but i miss the energy
of a city
i love the peace & the quiet
but i miss the sparkle
of a city
i am alone
lonely & isolated
i want to find
my strong & broken poet
a kindred spirit
someone who knows how
to love me
someone who lets me
love them
i miss adventures
i miss roaming
i miss possibilities
i built a fence
i fashioned my life
into a prison
that requires me to use
old escapes
built using things i love
it took me a while
to realize
the walls
were there
but now that i see them
i can walk
right
out.

i totally started writing a journal page in my head last night as i lay in bed. then i put it on a mental post-it note which apparently has fallen off of my brain desk & fluttered away.
i need a bedside notepad. for real this time.

today i voted (yes!), donated clothes, recycled, and cleaned out my soul. okay–it’s a kia soul which i had accidentally infested with mice while taking my recycling to the drop off. credit to messy minions, there was enough food on the floor & seat of my car to feed a small family of mice for quite some time.
i also thought about picking up a homeless/nomadic man. i am assuming here that he was homeless. he had the homeless vibe, layers of clothes, a huge backpack, enjoying a salad while sitting on the sidewalk…. he was easily the most physically attractive hobo i have ever seen.
and i dig a guy who has needs.
it’s the cancer in me. i want to nurture. so i see some man who seems to need some nurturing & i get all soft in the head. for example, everyone i have ever dated…except for one guy.
i had a total fantasy about taking the hot hobo home & putting him to work–kind of a my man godfrey┬áthing.
by the time i had almost reached my house, i had convinced myself he was my soulmate, & i had totally blown it by not inviting him over.

honestly, i don’t know if this is a desirable personality trait of mine or an undesirable one. or if it even matters.

today is a bit of a ramble.
i am sober for over a week now (vs. my two beer a day habit)–for health & money reasons.
i am also trying to quit my netflix habit which is getting out of control, & i have serious issues with the quality of shows i am willing to binge lately.

the minions are gone away…& i don’t know how to play…but i do have art to do. so i will get to it.

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