needless pt. 3

& what if
your needs
aren’t met
when you whisper them
gently?
& what if
your needs
aren’t met
when you scream them
angrily?
& what if
your needs
aren’t met
even by you?
what if you choose
to ignore your
needs
there is no time
you have no energy
&
after all
your needs
aren’t
really
important
are they?

more internal struggle with being human and having needs. i might just return to being the devil after all this introspection on my needs & still feeling as if i have no idea of how to discover my own humanity.

crap.

needing to be needed

i am needy
i my need
to be needed
as the band says
i need you
to need me
so
i make myself
indispensable
i am the most
dedicated
employee
sure, i’ll do extra work
dirty work
whatever you need
i am the most
passionate
girlfriend
my blowjob will roll
your eyes
like a slot machine
and
i make a mean
cheesecake
anything
everything
so that one day you realize
you
cannot
live
without
me
i am needy
in my need
to be needed
no wonder
i’m a dog
person.

more exploration of my fucked up ability to need. i need to make you happy so that you will not leave me.
but that only lasts so long.
i either scare people away with that intensity…or i burn out and wander off when that one way street leaves me empty.
meeting everyone else’s needs, but never asking for what i need…and always surrounding myself with people who would rather it stay that way.
ay yi yi
so much to dig around in once you open up my head.

ps. i am starting to wonder if my tendency to leave my eyes empty is in any way related to the bonnie tyler video for “total eclipse of the heart.”
turn around
bright eyes
also! in my traveling from mother to crone…it feels like i have gained 20 pounds overnight & my boobs have gotten bigger. so i am feeling extra lumpy & unattractive–which tends to show up in my self-portraits.

needless to say

to avoid having needs
met
i seek out
impossible men
seek out
self-fulfilling prophesies
teaching me to forget
my needs
bury them deep
it is not safe
to
need
close down
after all
you don’t need
anyone
do you?
need leads to want
need leads to betrayal
need leads to pain
how can i open
myself
to need
when i have taught myself
so thoroughly
that need
hurts?

so.
when i was a kid, my parents didn’t meet my needs. they wouldn’t or couldn’t. instead of becoming more needy, i shut down. i decided that if they wouldn’t meet my needs, i wouldn’t have any.
seriously.
if you read in one of my fallen posts about how i was the “good” one–they thought i was good because i never asked for anything.
nothing.
i refused to give them the chance to not meet my needs. i knew they would reject me–so i didn’t give them a chance to.
so so so fucked up.
what kid doesn’t need?
this one.
then of course, i grew into a woman who dated men incapable of meeting my needs.
so.
i didn’t have any. or if i did, i buried them deep until they became a molten core of anger & hate. resenting people for not being who i needed them to be as i refused to admit i had needs.
basically, i suspect everyone is eventually going to reject me, so i never let myself need anyone.

long story short, i am extremely self-reliant and independent…but i am now unable to need anyone–thereby i don’t connect with people on one basic human level.

yay.

working the healing wheel by maeanna welti has been pretty awesome. at each season on the wheel, there is focus on an area to heal. samhain was fear. solstice was needs. i am still working solstice…but looking forward to what i will learn about myself come imbolic.

fallen VIII

it isn’t all fun & games
when you’re
the devil
when your darkness
oozes & embraces
for one thing
you can feel
all the pain
in the world
you feel it
so intensely
& you no longer know
how to need
you long to feel
human
but you shut down your
humanity
you had to
in order to not collapse
under all the
torment
you can still feel
the desperate
lonely
your own desperate
lonely
but you cannot convince yourself
to
need
the antidote
is need
you need to let yourself need
but
you
can’t
you
won’t
for you to need
is a dangerous thing
that will rip open
too
many
wounds.

i am exploring need in my working the healing wheel. i have realized that i do not let myself need anyone. if you ask me, i will state, “i do not need anyone.”
and in my head, this is true. there is an exit strategy in case of loss. for everyone i know, i have instilled an exit strategy in case i lose them.
i suppose there is something deeply wrong with me
that i refuse to need anyone.
so, weirdly enough, i have realized that i need to learn to need…but i have no idea how to do that.

fallen V

you always got
angel food cake
on your birthday
because
you were the
good
one
how is that right
you wondered
that the devil’s food
is so much
yummier
than the angel’s?
doesn’t really
encourage
so-called
goodness, does it?
& your goodness was
so totally
so-called
they labeled you
“good”
because
they
didn’t
know
what
else
to
call
you
you, in your quiet
contemplation
of the world
around
you.

i hate angel food cake. every year i got an angel food cake on my birthday because i was the “good” one & my irish twin–the one my mother preferred to me–got a cake that actually tasted good because she was the “bad” one. devil’s food.
ha!
i wasn’t good. i was just quiet. and deeply aware that my household was unstable & dangerous.
so i was quiet & appeared to behave…& i waited.

contemplation

i have been thinking a lot
about crossroads
decisions
choices made
going the wrong way
like a runaway truck
i have been
thinking
a lot
about fear
why was i so afraid
of you?
why did i run away
every chance i got?
i have been thinking a lot
about needs
about spending my life
unwilling
to need
anyone
would you believe me now
if i said
i am ready
willing
able
to need you?

artist’s note: do you ever get done with a sketch, just waiting for some ink to dry, admiring your work & feeling pleased with yourself, and then the small children chase the dog over to where you are working & before you know what’s happening, the dog jumps up and paws your wet ink? i am pretty sure this is why virginia woolf told us to find a room of our own…..

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