maybe

did i embrace
the masculine in me
because
i could not trust
that the feminine
had any worth
or
if valued
valued for all
the wrong
reasons
was i safer
in my masculine
an identity
that would not
betray me?

random thought on nature vs. nurture, i guess.
i accept that i have a very strong masculine side for a woman. i always have for as long as i can remember. but was i born this way…or did i default to this setting due to the dangers of being a girl? i was born into a catholic farming family where “you only need one girl” but out of six, there were four girls born to my parents.
the catholic church was quick to tell me i didn’t matter
the matriarchs of my family quickly echoed the message
and a patriarchal society never lets a girl forget how disposable she is….
so
fuck me
did my sensitive nature embrace my masculine after a quick survey of my abusive surroundings in order to survive being a second-class citizen? or was my masculine nature something as innate as my “man hands” and stout build?
hmmmm….

random thoughts…my daughter

when i became pregnant for the first time,
i was dismayed to learn it was a boy.
“i don’t know anything about boys!” i thought.
then i had another boy.
and finally i was pregnant with my girl
realizing
“i don’t know anything about girls either!”
i used to call myself–gender confused.
this was in the early 90s before gender
was much discussed.
but i knew from the time i was five
i had both in me–boy & girl.
yet
somehow
i also had neither…
only to realize this when i became a mother
to boys & a girl.
so like everything else, i winged it
i just raised them as people
people i respected & loved
people free to develop into whomever
they were born to be.
i remember when fidgit started playing with
trucks & guns
“i guess he is a boy,” i said,
maybe stereotyping a bit
but later, he grew his hair long
got his ears pierced
and started studying art.
still a boy, i could think.
but my girl…
my girl…
she is a girl like i was never a girl
and i want to celebrate that.
i do.
but i cried today as i shopped for her
seventh birthday present
a children’s play make-up kit
really?
but i know it will make her happy
just like every time i bought a play sword for my crazy boys
& their dad looked at me like, “really?”
here’s the thing
i want my kids to be happy
i want them to be who they are
even if it is not who i am….
that’s the tricky part about being a parent, i guess…
one of the tricky parts anyway.

the photo is me in my early 20’s. fighting gender norms has always been very important to me–especially since as a teenager i found i was more comfortable in my dad’s clothes than i was in mine. i have never worn make-up (except on halloween) & i do not own a pair of heels. but now i have a daughter who drools over thrift-store pumps & uses an art marker to apply lipstick…which some people do. some people like pumps & make-up…i’ve just never been one of them. so maybe it stings a little that my little apple is falling rolling away from the tree? but if it is who she is & will make her happy….

sigh.

heaven help me if she decides to start shaving her legs.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑