beauty & the beast

i stumble.
& when i do
i look to him
to catch me
& he’s all
“oops
butterfingers!”
as i go splat
sometimes
for good measure
he kicks me
while i am down
so why
when i stumble
every time i stumble
i still expect him to catch me?
why do i still
hold that burnt out
torch
why do i still whisper
“happily ever after…”
in my head
hearing that voice
“this time…
it will be different
this time…
he really has
changed”
so much  that i have employed
another voice
just to shout at me
“hey lady!
this ain’t fucking
beauty & the beast!”

don’t mind me. just working out some angst towards the ex. you know how it is. i think i’m almost done.
it’s that happily ever after that keeps me down.
not being able to let go of the dream of a perfect family. the great american sitcom family. yeah, there’s some rough times, but in the end, we all love each other.
except…
not.
no matter how i look at it. there is no possible way that what he thinks is love, is love. love doesn’t hurt people. go ahead, argue with me about it. but if you love someone. truly love someone. can you really rationalize hurting them? much less do it on pretty much a daily basis?
but, stupid me, it has taken a long time to learn this.
a lifetime of protecting myself enough just to fall on my face again when i believe a person has changed. when i believe a person actually loves me. when i believe a person couldn’t possibly hurt me…again….
sigh.
this ain’t fucking beauty & the beast.
yes, people can change.
but only if they want to.

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little silver audi (don’t try this at home)

one night
i got into a fast
little
silver audi
with a stranger
who said
i was different
& strange
& funny…
& we drove top speed
through the dark
highways
of dallas texas
& i heard dido sing
on his radio…
it was the first time
i had ever heard her sing
he never told me his name
that dark-haired boy
but i made it home alive
despite myself
& none the wiser
for having driven off with a strange man
in a fast car
through the dark streets
of dallas texas.

this is a strong memory for me.
for a lot of reasons. i hesitated to share it because it sounds like the opposite of a fable. like i am encouraging other adventurous young women with low self-esteem to hop into fast cars with boys unknown….
i’m not doing that. it was surely a bad idea. and years later this habit of mine did get me molested by a creepster named chester who drove much more slowly.

but.

wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world where a vulnerable person did not have to worry about hopping into a car with someone just to go on an adventure? a world where women and other vulnerable peoples weren’t automatically classified as victims? if something had happened, the stranger wouldn’t have been blamed, i would have been blamed for hopping naively into a car with an unknown–as my boyfriend blamed me years later when the creepster molested me after i took a drive in his car with him.

i dunno.

this is a stupid world we live in.

and i find myself wondering if i got into the cars of strange men, trusting them at their word that it was just a car ride, because i am naive…because i am self-destructive…or because i am an adventurous person who secretly believes in a better world.

d. i suppose, all of the above.

 

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