playing with demons

invoking one demon
to do battle
‘gainst another
inviting a demon in
to drive another
it’s a tricky thing
to do
& is oddly
to see them tear
at each other
blood & gristle
claw & horn
pain that would
be yours
your demons share
with one another
when the smoke has cleared
you are still left
with one more demon
to banish.

aw crap. i called dusty to help. he came, & he helped. and my mom doted on him and said i never should have divorced him and she praised him while she defiled me. and he never stood up for me. he never confronted her until she spoke badly of him? of the minions? until he was grumpy & she was an inconvenience?

then they clashed. and battled. and i should not have enjoyed it…but i did.

in 2010, when i divorced him, my mom took him aside and told him, “it’s not your fault. she is difficult to live with” and he didn’t say anything. this past visit, there were multiple days of her talking about what an awful daughter i am.
and he said nothing.

so, yeah, a sad, sick part of me liked watching them scream at each other.

but now my parents are gone. we are left with no common enemy…just each other. and he has already projected that i am rejecting him.
now i am walking on eggshells not around my volatile parents but around my volatile ex-husband.


ranting wailing mourning

why am i so pissed off again?
okay, so i’m not going to be magically
so i’m not going to be magically
i’m going to be bitter & angry
wishing things had been different
careful i am not wishing my children away
as i wish i had never met their father.

it’s fucking thanksgiving
i don’t know about you
but this was the most dysfunctional
of fucked up dysfunctional holidays
for me
i spent years avoiding
for years, i couldn’t even eat turkey
without feeling angry
fucking thanksgiving
the holiday of family fights
based on a false
as white invaders who
murdered & stole from indigenous peoples
after being welcomed into their land
it’s a fucking

fuck thanksgiving.
fuck my ex-husband.
fuck my parents.
fuck black friday
and the mentality of buying buying buying
hoarding goods
made by abused workers
in other countries
as a cloud of pollution forms
over their heads
fuck this fucking country and its killing ways
its stealing ways
its hurtful
this whole land
is cursed.