trying new things

are we just bundles
of cells
hurtling through space
on some rock
whose movements
are all do to an attraction
to a ball of gas?
or is there
more….

crisis of faith. right? who’s with me? but if i don’t believe in something greater than myself…what then? it doesn’t help that i have at least two nihilistic little anarchists running around my house declaring there is no point to it all.

fuck a duck.

i am playing around with ink on canvas as i feel my scorpio’s need to keep on growing & transforming. i have a huge (like 3′ X 4′?) sized canvas i want to do a mural on. but first i am practicing on some canvases i have been hauling around with for almost 20 years.

also, i am going to write one (or two) more pages of moses jones before putting her away. i don’t know if she is done or not, but i want to focus on other projects so i am bringing her to a stopping point so i can move on.

there are a number of projects always whirling around in my brain. i think i need to just throw a dart, pin one down, and get busy.

spilled ink

last year i thought it was a bad thing
to have a hair trigger
on the drawbridge
to my heart
this year i am looking at it differently
i am trusting myself
to know
when
& when not
to pull the lever that will send you
sailing
away.

this inking was made last night in an effort to use spilled ink… i do like to try to keep my accidents happy.

“eve”
up top: “drawbridge”
9X12 inking on watercolor paper
$45 plust $5 shipping

song sung blue

these pieces are from a year ago
many art journal pages
lamenting my lonely heart
yet i somehow survived
& i will keep on
keeping on
from one valentine’s day
to the next.

up top: “song sung blue”
bottom left: “chances”
bottom right: “fear of success”

9X12 inking on watercolor paper
$45 plus $5 for shipping & handling

i don’t need another hero

i’ve changed
my heart no longer
starts or stops
with
the attention
or lack thereof
of a potential suitor
i’ve changed
my priorities
are me & mine
not his
i am no longer
looking
for a hero
no longer
waiting
to be saved.

this was a nice epiphany. too much of my life has been spent obsessing over the needs–wants–desires of whomever i was with at the time. too much time wasted trying to please other people. i was thrilled to realize that part of my brain has switched off in favor of taking care of what i need, want, and desire.
it’s about fucking time.
so i’m not sure what this means in terms of romantic relationships except that i no longer plan to get swallowed up by one.
i’m writing my own story now.

letting go

is it possible that the universe
knows better
than i do
that the universe has better
judgement
than i do
that the universe
knows
what is best for me?
is it possible
that i am more likely
to sabotage myself
is it possible that patterns of abuse
are some pretty fucking difficult
grooves
to come free of?
…is it possible for me
to just let go
& trust?

to deal with being terrified of relationships while wanting to pursue relationships, i have been using some divination…tarot cards, tea leaf reading, bird watching, etc.
i have been using spell work to lighten the chain around my heart and to not have so much anxiety about letting others into my life–while also working to recognize who is good for me & who is not.
it really seems that i am ready to pursue a relationship…however, i am still terrified.
but, you know, with good reason….

full moon wishes for 2022

i made a vision board
for the third year running
the past two have worked well in finding me my
madness manor
& helping me through my struggles
as a mom
this year the focus is on success & hotties.

i wonder why

i wonder why
i so easily
put others’
needs
others’ feelings
ahead of my own
leaving myself
in my sad
cocoon
of resentment.

another dusty inspired journal page. since he has been fired from his job and is waiting for the universe to drop another one in his lap, he has been messing big time with the kid schedule and spending way way way too much time at my house. it has me all out of whack.
and angsty.
i decided to stand up and say something, and he conceded to me saying, “you get your way.”
that was after two days of my saying something as nicely as i could before finally getting morose. after almost 20 years, i still don’t know how to talk to him. every approach at having a mature conversation ends with my being punished.
i just want things to go back to the way they were–where i only saw him twice a month–briefly–to drop off/pick up kids.
my life is so much easier when dusty & i are not “friends.”

when to vanish

i must duck
to avoid being
entangled
in the wires that hold
him up
i must crawl
under the smoke
so that i can endure
his fire
i must bob & weave
& even
run & hide
as if i were a silly rabbit
& he
a clever fox
not always does
a warrior stand tall
sometimes
she must know
how to
when to
vanish.

i haven’t gotten any new art done in a bit, but i did feel like coloring in some journal pages…so there will be a few days of those.
i have been working on stabilizing some bad energy…some saturating negativity that is clogging up my works. it all seems to be centering on my ex. he is trying to worm his way back in, and i am trying to figure out how to move forward. how to step over him to continue my journey.
i did go to a thrift store and buy a dozen pieces of framed art from which i will pillage the materials to get my inkings done to hang in a coffee shop in viroqua (magpie gelato)…i will keep y’all updated on that endeavor.

change is good.

so most of my art journal is about struggle
growth
change
moving forward
transformation
it is something i obviously feel strongly about
believing
if you are unhappy
you need to either accept
or change
and i am just not that good at accepting
the unacceptable
so i struggle
forward (on good days)
backwards (on bad days)
& sometimes i’m just moving in circles…

but change is good
so here is what i am going to try now. instead of finishing and posting my art journal pages, i will be posting finished versions of said pages which will be for sale. i am still art journaling like mad…i just have stopped inking/finishing the pages in my journal. instead, i use them as ways to get those demons moving about and then i use them again to make finished pieces of art. so now my art journal is looking more like this:


maybe i’m trying to conserve ink? maybe i’m just unmotivated? maybe i’ve inked so much that i no longer need to ink the roughs? like i kinda know what i’m doing?
but fret not! i will continue posting finished pieces with random thoughts.

“for this moment” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

xo

not your problem

he is a problem
you cannot fix
a puzzle
you cannot solve
walk away, babe
walk away

so there is a serious decline in attention paid to me & my art & writings…which is kinda discouraging. hence my lack of color in this journal page.
luckily, my yogi tea keeps giving me support & love (i haven’t been drinking alcohol but have been drinking lots of tea–the yogi tea has little inspirational fortunes on every bag.)
i’m trying to stay motivated…but, then again, if no one is paying much attention to my obsessive journaling, maybe i need to start going in other directions. maybe i am stuck in a rut?
i am totally working on a novel. slowly.
& comics. slowly.
what else?
inkings with free verse (like my journal pages–but for sale!)

any suggestions? what do you all want to see from me?
xo

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