journal entry about dusty. we have been getting along so well, that i now feel sad when he leaves…& not sad like, “i wish things could have been different” but sad like i’m missing him & wishing he could stay. so weird. we have had our ups & downs & on & offs…but they always followed the same destructive pattern. this time really truly is different. i’m not just saying that to try to convince myself it is true.
coincidentally, today would be our 17th wedding anniversary if i weren’t so good at divorcing people.
so i was visiting some new friends & they were all into enneagrams…this made me suggest to dusty he find out what his was. much to my surprise, we were the same number. then it all made sense. of course we are just alike. this has always been our problem. we are too much alike. but what if it could be an advantage instead of a disadvantage? hmmm…..
here is what i am working through in my journal now. those feelings of worthlessness & being unlovable…those feelings that came out in my backwards movement recently. i want to stop it. i want to stop feeling worthless.
more art journaling about letting go of stories that no longer serve me.
i am only on the internet every few days or so–kinda sporadically. if you want me to post more moses jones, i totally will. however, i don’t want to post too many things at once & since i am doing a lot of art journaling to work my way through another transition, & i am mostly posting said. journal pages right now. but i am still working on comics & illustrations. also fiction. re-doing my collection of short stories at the moment….
i am thinking about this a lot. it seems me & my life are in all sorts of transition. though i’m not sure how to be me without being haunted, i am willing to find out.
(somewhat inspired by a shel silverstein illustration here)
i did my tarot on the last night before my kids came back having forgotten to do it the other days they were away. i was tired & thought about skipping my monthly check-in with the universe via tarot, but in the end, i lit candles, shuffled my deck, and asked for guidance.
rebirth was my first card. the card representing me at this time. rebirth is also judgement. the past shaping the present. a time for moving forward with new resolution.
next came the delusion card. it is what is challenging/crossing me at this time. delusion…. i didn’t know what it was, but now i am guessing it represents the house i thought i was going to rent. the house that, as of yesterday, sold to someone else. a decision that did not work out….
in the “present situation” position of my tarot spread came my very most favorite card. one i have not seen in quite awhile. the warrior card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! present situation…kicking ass & taking names…er, rather, forward moving energy. mastering adverse circumstances through my determination & courage. confronting fears. fears like living way off the grid with four kids & a bucket to poop in…which is what is happening since our rental fell through. i mean, on one hand, i like the idea of an adventure & the experience of living in a very unconventional way…on the other hand, i am having difficulty imagining that happening with four kids. but! i do have the generous offering of a free space to camp while i look for a more permanent situation. so i should feel blessed for that. and it is summer. the best time to camp. and once i have a roof over our heads, i’m sure we will look back on this time & have a good talk with our therapist(s) about it. (i would like to point out that the present situation card has a badger on it which is the state animal of wisconsin–where i am moving to–so that seems to be lining up.)
