i feel pretty III

i used to worry
that people
would think that i think
that i am
pretty
now
i think
i will go ahead
& know
that i am
pretty
& not give a rat’s ass
whether they agree with me
or not.

i’m not going to go out & join any pageants or put together head shots for modeling…but i am going to stop ducking my head & acting like i’m offending people by showing myself in public.
so far so good

i feel pretty

i always cry
when i hear the song
“jolene”
but
do i have a right to?
i have lost a lot of men
& boys
to other women…
but i have
also
been the one
they come back
to
the one they choose
when there is a choice
to be made
part of me
wants to be
clings to
the idea
of being
ugly
unwanted
outcast
but part of me also knows
though i am
an outcast
i am also
quite tragically
one of
“the beautiful ones.”

even just transcribing this from my journal to this blog, i balked. what? who am i to say i am beautiful? no one is going to believe i am beautiful.
so uncomfortable with that identity!
when i went to forestry camp as a teen, i was embraced immediately by these two girls who said we should all stick together because we were the prettiest ones. i couldn’t get away from them fast enough (quick before they see i am really ugly!)
& i promptly found the freaks & outcasts to spend my week with.

yes, i would rather spend my time with the freaks & outcasts, but i need to stop telling myself i am ugly. i need to believe i am–despite being unconventional–beautiful. i need to believe that other people can see my beauty.
i know sometimes they won’t, but as long as i do….
i mean, ultimately, i just have to stop telling myself i am ugly.

its like i have my heart in my hands & i am trying to convince it that it is not so broken that it cannot fly….

tender toes

is it today?
nope
not today
maybe tomorrow
you can pull yourself
together
pull yourself
up
by your bootstraps
maybe tomorrow
you can stop
moping
because
today brings
headaches
heavy hearts
& tender toes
but tomorrow
tomorrow
could be golden.

i learned in a writing workshop something i knew instinctively: sometimes you have to just sit back & not write
“procrastination” is part of the process of creation. that slow simmer…percolating….
i would do it too when i was studying for a test. i would stop when i felt full & just let all the information i had been inhaling settle…digest….
i can only assume it is the same with healing. sometimes you just have to put yourself on the back burner and not think about it. not worry about it. just sit quietly.
even if your brain is screaming at you for it. telling you you’re doing it all wrong….
sometimes you just have to take a break.
i haven’t been doing much artwork. or writing. or yoga. or hiking. reading my tarot. or much of anything.
but that’s okay.
there’s always tomorrow.

it’s susan i’m choosin’

i have been in the blahs
trying to figure it all out
has me worn
out
plus i think i just broke my baby toe…
why is the universe
so set
on hobbling me?
or is it my own wish
to keep
my own mortality
so close in mind?
whatever is going on
it sucks
i just want to fucking walk

just walk….

the day after i realized i have almost no limp left from my broken knee, i kicked a wooden box of blocks as i walked through the playroom on my way to the bathroom at 5am one morning.
fuck me running
or rather
fuck me sitting because i can’t run anymore…will i ever run again? is this what getting old(er) feels like? losing what we once took for granted?
sigh.
it was actually the second injury to that poor baby toe. last week i kicked a stack of wooden boards while in my kitchen (random stacks of wooden boards are hopefully a temporary decorating habit of mine & will one day be used to build things, but until then, they remain tripping hazards….)
i thought i had broken it then…but a few days later it felt fine. so then i kicked something else with it & now it is black & blue & refusing to bend.
crap.
crap crap crap.
yet still i try to negotiate treaties with my monsters & build bridges with my demons…just not very enthusiastically right now.

the drawing up top is another play around with oil pastels & inks. maybe if i can get oil pastels & inks on the same page, i can unite the powers that are inside of me & bring an end to the civil war within?
the title is a reference from a movie i watched a lot as a kid, finian’s rainbow.

stay with the sad

stay
with the sad
sink
into the sad
it doesn’t
make you
tough
to avoid the pain
to run away from
the pain
to become aggressive & angry
are you a warrior?
or are you
just
being
an asshole?
avoiding pain
avoiding rejection
embracing isolation
your castle walls
becoming
your prison
break out
be sad
be needy
be loving
even if they don’t
love you
back.

my “home” improvement project right now. not resorting to anger when i feel rejected, slighted, ignored, etc. this has been my go-to move for as long as i can remember. even as a small child, feeling ignored by my parents, i made the choice to become invisible rather than to be attention-seeking.
as a grown up, i am all “what the fuck?” but i still understand the motivations of that little girl.
she wanted to be noticed…but felt that seeking that attention would mean any love she got would be tainted.
so i have waited around my entire life for someone to notice me.
okay, fine…but then i get pissed off when they don’t.
as a mom, i can see how parents could overlook a quiet child. i, of course, try to never do it…but when you are in a fucked up marriage & have six kids…sure, the quiet one will fall in the cracks.
i guess i have to forgive them for letting me fall in the cracks & let go of the anger…but then what?
it’s hard for me to imagine me as someone who goes out and demands attention…but maybe i do have to start–at least–visualizing it. maybe i can teach my monster to seek attention in healthy ways? rather than using aggression & isolation?

ps.
my kids kept asking “why is she screaming?”
i answered, “is she? or is she singing? or is she roaring?” i prefer to imagine she is roaring….

creepy art for the samhain

it’s the pagan holiday of samhain
the pagan new year’s
also, the day of the dead
the thinning of the veil
where the dead
creatures from other realms
& other creepsters
(like me)
come around
looking for love….

as a witch, this is a powerful time of year, and a good time to do a lot of personal & magical work. i like the effect it is having on my art 🙂

“over-buttered popcorn” (i let my son name it & his cat’s name is popcorn) …9X12 ink & pastels on watercolor paper…suggested price of $60

creepy art for all hallows eve….

feeling a bit creepy
and it shows in my art
this is the one day of the year
i wear make-up
i will be answering my door tonight
as a gruesome ghoul
& handing out monster
cookies.

“flower garden massacre”… 9X12 ink & acrylics on watercolor paper….suggested price of $60

cheating on inktober

the other night
i had a dream
that i should add acrylics
to my ink drawings

so i woke up & tried it

top image:
“patron saint of forgotten love spells” 9X12 ink & acrylics on watercolor paper…$60 (suggested price)

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