there is a part of me
that will always
until i can search it out
& stomp it
why yes, i have been doing my yoga…why do you ask?
my minions are in wisconsin with dusty & my heart is breaking & i am promising myself to cherish them every intense moment when i have them back once more in my clutches.
i had a promising conversation with an okcupid-er but the problem was he changed his profile age from 45 to 35 sometime between my messaging him & his messaging me back. when i asked he claimed to be 35…but then i read through all of his answers to the match questions, & he repeatedly referred to himself as being in his forties in the answers (which did not even ask for an age–yet he volunteered it over & over again.) so i politely–ever so politely–asked him about it…and never heard back from him again.
online dating is beyond weird.
in other news, buttercup, one of my two ewes, gave birth last night. i went out to dump water buckets (so no ice in the morning) at sunset, & she was not in the pasture with luke but in the sheep hut. this is not like her. so i went in to check & heard a baby bleating before i even saw the lamb. she went on to have another lamb (twins!) i checked on her throughout the night because last time she gave birth, at dusk, i left her alone and then found a dead twin in the morning. she did fine. the night was nice and dark though. cold & windy.
it amazes me how a newborn sheep can seem fine with this february weather. yikes. but so far so good. they are both active & happy today.
though i feel sad that the minions weren’t here to see the lambs born.
they should be here.
they belong here.
i miss my minions.
i don’t want to be alone.
you never wanted to do this
you never wanted
to do this
you feel so lost
& you suffer that pain
as you tell yourself to hold it together
as you tell yourself to keep a happy face
all you want to do
is break things
until your voice is raw
until your eyes are dry
because you have nothing
left to give
all you want to do is sink
somehow you have to
more motherhood angst leaking from my head & onto my page.
yay! but, you know what? it keeps my head out of the oven.
misha pointed out that iggy doesn’t have a face in this on or in the previous one. i’m not sure why. subconscious–would you like to weigh in?
iggy is a very challenging child. it doesn’t help that he is the one most like his father.
the reason for a lot of my angst.
he checked out the first time i got pregnant. he was no longer the center of my universe, and he turned from mr. perfect into mr. perfect asshole.
yet somehow i still had three more children with him.
and now i am raising them alone.
because he has just become more & more perfect
at being an asshole.
being a single mom sucks ass. it truly does. but living with dusty sucks bigger ass. so while i am living the lesser of two evils–i’m still pissed off about it.
as they lay sleeping
my heart squeezes
& i think,
i won’t be a crap-ass mom
i won’t lose my mind.”
then morning comes
& the demons inside me
come out to dance
with the demons
i have a really bad habit of not waiting until the page is dry to take a picture. plus these are all on journal paper with the idea that i will do a bigger & better version on some nice watercolor paper or canvas even (ink on canvas is a gamble) if i ever get a chance & like the original enough.
my page is all wrinkly & weird looking.
this is a dark subject that i have kind of made light about. because…well, i have trouble taking my pain seriously.
but tomorrow is another day.
iggy will tell me i am cheating when i do something like color in the eyes, to make them more visible, lightening them with white or yellow ink. he thinks that is cheating.
iggy doesn’t understand that i make up the rules…or lack thereof…in both my art & my parenting. iggy is always ready to challenge me.
iggy is mad at me for selling an inking that he really likes. he says that if i loved him i would give it to him and not sell it. iggy is always ready to challenge me. always.
i am thrilled that i sold an original. i also sold several prints. so…i’m actually doing it. i’m actually making art for money…or making money with my art…depending on how you look at it. tonight i was able to say to the minions who were of course squabbling right on top of me as i worked on this one. i yelled, “hey! i’m working here.” then i added that i could call it working now because i am making some money at it now. yay! it’s hard for me to wrap my head around. it gives me hope that i am actually doing something right. i really need to make a store on this site. i have the directions…i’m just waiting for the inspired moment to make it happen.
on the topic of minions & art, i really think i must have a guardian art angel. or a horde of fairy guards helping me. for as much as they wreak havoc, they really don’t destroy any art or even fuck up the art i am working on. i mean, i get slammed into. my desk gets jiggled as they crawl under it. my elbow must have a target on it. plus i will leave art out to dry, and they (almost) never smear it or jostle it or spill anything on it. it’s amazing.
also, once the dogs got ahold of my journal and only chewed off the spine.
and one night the cat who likes to sit on my desk while i sleep actually puked on my art journal and managed to not destroy any of the inkings inside.
and i, of course, have ample opportunities to fuck up my own art…and i don’t.
i need to remember to set out a little offering to the angels or fairies that protect my art.
so i showed y’all this stain in my last post. this one is a good example of how sometimes i manipulate the stain. and sometimes i stay true to the stain. sometimes the stain just gives me the idea. sometimes the stain is the idea.
here it is again:
i did manage to finish an inking.
it took me like 3 days when normally i do one a day…
but you must understand
i have been binge watching the australian tv show
for four days straight.
last time my kids when to the ex’s
i was all like
“whoo hoo! look at me go!”
this time i just want to crawl in a hole
and wait for them to come home.
i tried to clean the living room today
and, of course, i poisoned iggy’s dog
iggy is the one most attached to me
of my four attached children.
i was 43 weeks when the doctors insisted on
cutting him out of me.
sometimes i think
he would have stayed if it were left up to him.
he is the one calling me on the phone
telling me how much he misses me.
and i wonder.
is he missing me so much because i am missing him?
or vice versa?
do we have a link that is making both of us sad
despite my sad lonely lonliness
and lonely alone sadness
i did finish an inking.
so there is that.
and now back to binge watching
i was so weirded out by the dragons in my picture
that i never stopped to wonder what a person might think
of my skull wearing fire goddess.
which then i obsessed about for awhile
wondering if i would be labeled too dark
mostly thinking of how my younger sister would see it
my conservative republican trump-voting highly delusional little sister.
then i thought
if i had a horned skull and a feather tutu
i would totally wear that.
so it must not be weird,
then i was fine with it.
and today i have another goddess portrait
a river goddess
wearing welding goggles
because, you know, to keep water out of her eyes.
so tomorrow i go fetch my minions back
the end to my alone time…
and i won’t get a picture done tomorrow…maybe the next day?
so tomorrow i see dusty
which is how i prefer it.
i haven’t missed him at all.
i can just pretend he is still sitting at his laptop playing video games
or getting high in the garage.
not much different with him gone.
and i finally read my tarot cards today.
i have been avoiding them ever since they yelled at me about not
taking my art seriously.
today they told me
“keep on keeping on–& don’t fuck it up.”
so that’s my game plan.
steady as she goes…watch out for sink holes & water falls.
and here is my ink stain. i could see a face and knew it was a portrait of someone wearing goggles. i fleshed her out. then i found the river.
i sometimes really enjoy
being inside my head.
sometimes it’s a pain in the ass
like when i am crazy neurotic.
without the minions…
it’s just me & the voices.
they are mostly benign
without any stimulus.
not that my minions make me crazy.
i think that it is more
that being a mother makes me
i miss my minions…
but i really enjoy being alone.
i am able to sort through thoughts
make sense of things
it’s kind of nice.
but it is way way way
too quiet without them.
and i have no excuse to not make art
with them not knocking up against my elbows.
so i make art.
not always earth-shattering art
but let’s call it art
you know, pigs and sheep and that other thing
the dogs know
they have been memorialized
(i almost forgot to take a picture of the ink stain. i started in on the pig, then remembered)