freckles

as the sun rises
i wake up
to find poppy & the puppy
already awake
as the chores wait
i lay in bed & listen
to these early morning musings
by poppy
as he imagines that the puppy
has feet
like a person
insists
really
that he had made a potion
to give people feet
to puppies
i love the bedtime & early morning
musings
of these little people
who enchant
my life.

just messing about. this reminded me of a poem i wrote about iggy when he was four and as we were cuddling & reading bedtime stories he told me he wanted to eat a live pigeon .
if i could just do all my momming while laying about in bed.

my poem for iggy:

pirates in disguise
“they’re made from recycled money,” says the woman
handing out pencils at the bank.
“recycled money,” i repeat.
“that’s cool,” i tell him.
“noooo,” he insists. “recycled bunnies.
she said ‘bunnies,’
‘cause the bones are hard like pencils.”
when it is bedtime he tells me he wants to eat a chicken
boil off the feathers and eat it.
i remind him that he has eaten a chicken.
“oh,” he says. “i mean a seagull.
i want to eat a live seagull.”
he asks me to dye his mohawk purple.
he asks me to sharpen it when the hair on his head grows too long.
he changes his clothes many times a day
just like he changes his mood.
he is fierce & he is powerful.
only four years old;
he is mighty & the world belongs to him.
i know he is mine because i see
the stubborn
feisty
rebellious
warm & fuzzy
miracle that he is.
we cuddle together & tell each other secrets
like
i love him all the way to the moon & back
& he loves me for all the sharks in the ocean
& sometimes i feel halloween is the only time we show who we are
every other day
we are pirates in disguise.

progress

i am almost finished with this commissioned piece.
i like it. it reminds me of shel silverstein (who happens to be one of my favorite male artists.) so i felt happy about that. i also love being able to get messy with my ink.
i just emailed the people who requested it & quoted a price. then vowed to myself to start doing that before i accept a job.

so there’s that.

also! i find myself, when thinking of good things to come, thinking of artwork rather than relationships. which is a big step for me. i tried to express that in my last journal  page “a letter for me,” but i think maybe i didn’t say it the way i meant.
i am trying to explore these things further in my art journal, but i have just gotten started.
meanwhile…
my minions are back from their week at their dad’s and i am struck by how i go from living in an isolation tank to living in a house full of feral monkeys. it’s quite a shock to my system.
something i should maybe start preparing myself for…other than just buying alcohol.

yesterday i heard my ten year old boy (iggy) say of my seven year old girl, “misha is running a fight club–” i did not catch the rest of the conversation. i just hid.

then while i was doing yoga for ptsd , iggy & fidgit put on a movie i got for them and then iggy was in the doorway lamenting that the movie was black & white and how could i do that to him as i know he just hates black & white….
i assured him it would turn to color as it was not a black & white movie, and i kept doing my yoga.
fidgit then appeared in the doorway after some loud scuffling. he said something about iggy attacking & injuring him but all i could think to do was ask (of the movie) “is it colored yet?”
to which he replied, “no, but it will be soon.”
“good,” i answered right before he began wailing about my not caring that his bruise would soon have color.

for some reason that communication mix up really struck me as funny.  i started laughing & could not stop.
i would think i was losing my mind…but i am going to blame the yoga. yoga tends to release things for me. usually i cry. it felt nice to laugh like i did not know how to stop.

even though i probably further traumatized fidgit. (it still kind of makes me laugh though)

update: on my desk

having art to work on
really helps that urge
to just disappear

i have started a new page of moses jones. oddly, it is very similar to some panels in the first episode. i did not do that on purpose, but it creates a nice continuity? maybe?

also! someone has commissioned work from me! well, he wanted three pieces of art, but only one of them was actually available. one is a journal page & one is a piece i am pretty sure i gave to dusty a long time back?
so!
i am re-creating both pieces. which is both fun & daunting because i have that “don’t fuck up!” voice in my ear & 13 minions (actually four but with the combined chaos score of 13) literally bouncing off of me as i am poised with a brush full of ink trying to make a straight line. and i’m all in my head saying, “fucking michelangelo didn’t have to put up with this shit.”

maybe i should strap myself to the ceiling & do all my artwork suspended in the air.

part of the charm of my work is all the fuck-ups & messy bits, right?

status update: overwhelmed

the minions returned on tuesday–i drive & meet dusty half-way to wisconsin. usually we do the swap at a rest area, but dusty volunteered to meet at culver’s & have a birthday dinner for misha (for anyone not in the midwest of the u.s., culver’s is a wisconsin based hamburger chain–the only chain restaurant i willingly eat at.)
so i spent too much time with dusty for my own good–upcoming pages on that!
and i got my four wild children back for the rest of the month.
add on to that an explosion of ducklings. my muscovies enjoy hatching eggs, but then they abandon the babies leaving me to find duckling bits around the yard. if i am lucky, i find them before they are dead, but it’s about 50/50 at this point.
additionally,
my brain is not able to completely come to terms with life & death on the farm & instead of staying up nights stressing about having to butcher lambs, i decided to get rid of my ram (so no more pregnant ewes) & to just have some fat, happy ewes eating grass. someone offered to buy my ram–luke (pictured above after a horn injury.) luke is a sweet ram & iggy (my child who is convinced i don’t love him–or so he says) is very attached to him. so there is a lot of drama over his leaving. we are all very sad. plus, the couple buying him wanted a ewe to go with him so they could start breeding. so we had to send our beautiful buttercup with him. which is also sad. plus buttercup left behind the other ewe & buttercup’s six month old lamb. so everyone, me–iggy–& all the sheep–have been crying since yesterday when luke & buttercup left.
good news. they are going to live on pasture of a small farm & get to have babies. the other options for sheep aren’t as nice. so i am happy they are going somewhere nice…but feel like a penniless jerk because i am unable to give them a home–forcing them into the scary move & causing all the other sheep (& iggy) to be sad.
but i keep thinking of winter & all the hay i need to buy…plus not wanting to “deal” with lambs when they get to a certain age & i can no longer put off the inevitable….
i’m just in over my head.
seriously.
with four very demanding minions & a yard full of animals to take care of….
it’s overwhelming.
i’m exhausted.

i have pages written & two more canvas ideas…plus! one night while unable to sleep–i started writing more moses jones!! i have been stalled on that since, what, april?
so i’m taking my journal with me to a car maintenance appointment & will try to get pages done/mojo plot written.

work in progress…

okay.
so i’m not done yet…but i am still working on it!
slowly slowly.
i really like it so far, which makes me all the more worried about fucking it up.
sigh.
but i am still working on it.

i have this idea that i would like every page to be able to stand on its own. so that is another challenge.

meanwhile, i guess the minions are off to wisconsin today. dusty was going to come here to stay for a few weeks instead of the minions leaving here. but just the anticipation of his being here was turning me into an ugly unbalanced madwoman. finally, yesterday, after learning of another lie he’d told me (regarding some mutual friends) i spun out & told him he could not stay here.
he wants to move closer & wants me to help him by letting him stay here & job hunt, etc.
which, in theory, makes sense.
but in practice will chip away at my soul.
it is difficult balancing my desire to help with my knowledge of how he likes to take advantage of my desire to help.
fuck!
so sucks.
but now instead of being angry & angry…i am just sad that i will not see my minions for a week.
and relieved that dusty is not going to be here.
so relieved!
it’s like he thinks we can be a happy family again, but he won’t stop being an abusive narcissist.
i no longer want to be a family with him…but i know there is no escaping his being my children’s father.

maybe that’s why i’m killing him off in my dystopian fantasy world….
ya think?

year of the dog

when last we left off with our hero, she was slaying zombies in the forest while foraging for supplies….
actually, i started a new episode after this called “the return of dusty.” but it puttered out.
i have been trying to get it re-started…but i really don’t think i want dusty in my story anymore. i think it is time to write dusty out of the script.

which i did, last night. i have yet to draw it though.

meanwhile, the real dusty is threatening to come visit. i am torn. while i wish i lived in a world where i never had to see him or his hell-spawn of a mother again…i also hate the idea of my minions going away to wisconsin again to spend a week with him & his hell-spawn of a mother again.
it is one of those things i have severe anxiety/control issues about. i mean i became a stay-at-home mom when i realized i could not leave my child at home. instead i was taking baby fidgit with me when i went out to pick up stray animals. he was sitting in on dog evaluations with me at the humane society where i was employed when he was born.
realizing i could not leave him, i quit my job.

i know i cannot control their lives. it just seems dumb to let him take them to wisconsin when he doesn’t even know what the fuck he is doing with his life.
he is taking my minions to live in his limbo.
it just seems dumb.

so my choices are to let them go…or deal with dusty in my space.

fuck a duck.

so i am currently trying to figure out which hurts less….

in other news. i am having a crisis of faith with my art.
i guess that’s not really news….
today i tried to read a comic book & found i could not. comic books seem dumb to me now. maybe not all of them, but definitely the mainstream ones.
i tried to post my page that i made yesterday (archangel carl) on a facebook group called “women creating comics” along with my lament about my crisis of faith…but as soon as someone started suggesting things i could do to make my art more “acceptable” to the comic world, i deleted my post & almost quit the group.

what would van gogh do?

hmmmm.

oh! i almost forgot! (thank goodness for blog titles)
so we recently entered year of the dog. i was born in the year of the dog. i looked back, and other than my 12th year, i could remember having a life changing event in every year of the dog since my birth. maybe there was one when i was 12 too–i just can’t remember for sure. in retrospect, every decision i made in my years of the dog were the wrong ones.

so this year
this year
i am determined to get it right.
to be true to myself and to stay true to my path.
whatever it may be.

so with the first full moon of this lunar year…i am struggling to find the path that i have determined i should stick to….
wish me luck.

 

jam!

iggy will tell me i am cheating when i do something like color in the eyes, to make them more visible, lightening them with white or yellow ink. he thinks that is cheating.

iggy doesn’t understand that i make up the rules…or lack thereof…in both my art & my parenting. iggy is always ready to challenge me.

iggy is mad at me for selling an inking that he really likes. he says that if i loved him i would give it to him and not sell it. iggy is always ready to challenge me. always.

i am thrilled that i sold an original. i also sold several prints. so…i’m actually doing it. i’m actually making art for money…or making money with my art…depending on how you look at it. tonight i was able to say to the minions who were of course squabbling right on top of me as i worked on this one. i yelled, “hey! i’m working here.” then i added that i could call it working now because i am making some money at it now. yay!  it’s hard for me to wrap my head around. it gives me  hope that i am actually doing something right. i really need to make a store on this site. i have the directions…i’m just waiting for the inspired moment to make it happen.

on the topic of minions & art, i really think i must have a guardian art angel. or a horde of fairy guards helping me. for as much as they wreak havoc, they really don’t destroy any art or even fuck up the art i am working on. i mean, i get slammed into. my desk gets jiggled as they crawl under it. my elbow must have a target on it. plus i will leave art out to dry, and they (almost) never smear it or jostle it or spill anything on it. it’s amazing.
also, once the dogs got ahold of my journal and only chewed off the spine.
and one night the cat who likes to sit on my desk while i sleep actually puked on my art journal and managed to not destroy any of the inkings inside.
and i, of course, have ample opportunities to fuck up my own art…and i don’t.

i need to remember to set out a little offering to the angels or fairies that protect my art.

so i showed y’all this stain in my last post. this one is a good example of how sometimes i manipulate the stain. and sometimes i stay true to the stain. sometimes the stain just gives me the idea. sometimes the stain is the idea.

here it is again:

img_3168

green man

oh.
i did manage to finish an inking.
sure,
it took me like 3 days when normally i do one a day…
but you must understand
i have been binge watching the australian tv show
offspring
for four days straight.

fuck me.

last time my kids when to the ex’s
i was all like
“whoo hoo! look at me go!”

this time i just want to crawl in a hole
and wait for them to come home.
i tried to clean the living room today
and failed.
and, of course, i poisoned iggy’s dog

iggy is the one most attached to me
of my four attached children.
i was 43 weeks when the doctors insisted on
cutting him out of me.
sometimes i think
he would have stayed if it were left up to him.

he is the one calling me on the phone
telling me how much he misses me.
and i wonder.
is he missing me so much because i am missing him?
or vice versa?
do we have a link that is making both of us sad
somehow
this time?

but

despite my sad lonely lonliness
and lonely alone sadness
i did finish an inking.

so there is that.

greenman1

and now back to binge watching
aussie tv
on netflix.

the river

yesterday
i was so weirded out by the dragons in my picture
that i never stopped to wonder what a person might think
of my skull wearing fire goddess.
which then i obsessed about for awhile
wondering if i would be labeled too dark
too witchy
mostly thinking of how my younger sister would see it
my conservative republican trump-voting highly delusional little sister.

then i thought
you know
if i had a horned skull and a feather tutu
i would totally wear that.
so it must not be weird,
right?

ha!

then i was fine with it.

and today i have another goddess portrait
a river goddess
wearing welding goggles
because, you know, to keep water out of her eyes.

so tomorrow i go fetch my minions back
the end to my alone time…
and i won’t get a picture done tomorrow…maybe the next day?

so tomorrow i see dusty
very briefly
which is how i prefer it.
i haven’t missed him at all.
i can just pretend he is still sitting at his laptop playing video games
or getting high in the garage.
not much different with him gone.

and i finally read my tarot cards today.
i have been avoiding them ever since they yelled at me about not
taking my art seriously.
today they told me
(abridged)
“keep on keeping on–& don’t fuck it up.”

so that’s my game plan.
steady as she goes…watch out for sink holes & water falls.

and here is my ink stain. i could see a face and knew it was a portrait of someone wearing goggles. i fleshed her out. then i found the river.

inkstainriver

jacks

i sometimes really enjoy
being inside my head.
sometimes it’s a pain in the ass
like when i am crazy neurotic.
however,
alone
here
without the minions…
it’s just me & the voices.
they are mostly benign
without any stimulus.
not that my minions make me crazy.
i think that it is more
that being a mother makes me
feel
crazy.

i miss my minions…
but i really enjoy being alone.

i am able to sort through thoughts
make sense of things
it’s kind of nice.

but it is way way way
too quiet without them.

and i have no excuse to not make art
with them not knocking up against my elbows.
so i make art.
not always earth-shattering art
but let’s call it art
anyway.
you know, pigs and sheep and that other thing
playing jacks…
the dogs know
they have been memorialized
playing poker.

(i almost forgot to take a picture of the ink stain. i started in on the pig, then remembered)

inkstainjacks

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