shark guard

this is not poetry
i am not a poet
i cannot stress that enough
i never imagined myself poetic
never
ever
ever
it’s just that free verse
is such an easy way
to say
what i need
to say
nevermind the rhyme
i am not a poet
not
ever
ever
i just have a lot to say
a lot rattling around
in this brain of mine
& the easiest way
to get it out
is to
just
blurt
in free
verse.

so i got rejected for the second time by the sustainable arts awards for mother artists & writers.
poop
i really really could have used the money.
also, i can only find rentals that say “proof of employment!” telling me i need to be earning three times what the rent is.
the real world just fucking sucks sometimes.
but!
am i down?
am i out?
no. for some fucking rainbow shooting out of unicorn ass’s reason, all i feel is hope.
so fucking weird.

i wrote the above not-a-poem because one of the critiques of the portfolio i submitted to the sustainable arts foundation commented on my sub-par writing while complimenting my artwork.
so!
just trying to keep my spirits high…though, again, weirdly they are staying up all on their own.

the above image is what happened when i tried to do a commissioned seascape that included a mermaid. here is the same seascape yesterday before i changed it:

do you see what i did? i put in another shark. it occurred to me as i was trying to fall asleep, another shark would create a “guard” effect rather than suggesting the mermaid was in trouble. or, at least that is my take-away.

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scribbles & doodles & coloring pages

as i drink my tea
forsaking the coffee
(which taunts me
yumminess
paired
with
addiction
& achy kidneys)
i eat my toast
with jam
and referee
squabbles
while considering
my own scribbles
an itch at the back
of my mind
something undiscovered
something untapped
i can feel
something
wonderful
if i can just get my pen
& brain
to work as one.

i was watching flowers on netflix, a delightfully dark british sitcom. the patriarch of the family flowers writes dark children’s books about trolls. the illustrations immediately drew me in. so i started doodling some trolls of my own to see if i could.
today i found this other doodle on the brown paper that i use in between sheets of my journal to keep the ink from leaking onto blank pages. i doodle on it sometimes, but hadn’t looked at it in awhile. i found this drawing appealing in the same way as the troll illustrations.
however, i am not sure where to go with either one of them. so i guess i will just keep messing around until i figure it out.

meanwhile, i have become misha’s artist on demand for coloring pages. she had me do two more this morning and has requested a mom & dad dragon with baby dragons after i do a picture of myself & her dad riding a swan.
i asked if the swan could be flying while i am pushing her dad off of the swan, and she began pretend crying & ran from the room.
sigh.
the things i do for my minions (i don’t want to be near that motherfucker even in illustration. i can barely look at the illustration for “absolution” from a few days back. ack! but now i have to ride a goddamn swan with him….)

ps. unlike her brothers, misha is not colorblind. just to be sure, i asked her about her colored page, “what color is the grass?” she replied, “orange.”
& i said, “awesome.”
my girl.

my egg tooth

it has taken me
a lifetime
of butting my head
against walls
to finally
grow
my egg tooth
which erupts now
in all it’s glory
a narwhal
tusk
miracle
jutting from my
smile
as i plot
my escape
my
own
rescue.

okay. i really like this idea.
however i needed to argue with fidgit about whether or not mermaids have gills.
he says because they have boobs (indicating mammal-hood) they must not have gills.
i say that there is no way they could live in underground kingdoms without having gills and that maybe the boobs are ornamental. i do not remember ever seeing a mermaid breastfeed…but maybe their culture is as stupid about that as ours is and mermaids are forced to breastfeed in secret….
nevertheless!
i really like my words.
the picture might need work.

in other precocious kids news, poppy (who is a bit of an ass man) was shouting into my bottom while i was doing dishes, then assuring me the sound would come out my nose.
i thought it was hysterical.
i apologize to future romantic partners of my children.

and now misha is asking for a picture of her as a mermaid. i should have seen that coming.

honestly…

i will call your bullshit
bullshit
i was once called
a truthteller
& i know it to be
true
with a scorpio’s biting sting
i show you my truth
& yours
i spill it out
unable to keep it in
unwilling to keep it in
maybe this is why
i am so fabulously
unpopular
the truth
is that unwelcome guest
you keep
on your front
doorstep
curtains closed.

(look how pretty i am as a siren!
and honestly, my nipples do look like starfish.)

zen garden

social media is a blessing & a curse to people like me. i like having that connection. that easy connection. i like being able to share my thoughts and be inspired by others.

but holy crap. the negativity can suffocate you. the mass negativity. it’s devastating. the specific & personal attacks are even more devastating. seems people are quick to judge, quick to point fingers, quick to react when it can be done in a space such as social media.

i’m guilty too. yes.

so i’m dropping out of groups on facebook that have any sort of angle other than sharing information. and even then, i want it to be information about things that cannot turn political or social. plant identification. i’m still in that group. permaculture…i’m there, but maybe that is pushing it?

today i went on facebook. such a bad habit. i use it for news & entertainment. such a bad habit. but it can be fun and there are people i love there and it is such an easy platform for my art…

it is like an amplifier of what is wrong with us. as a country? as a people? everyone is turned against everyone else. my parents did this. they pitted us against each other because it was easier to control us that way. and that is what our country is. we are all turned against each other. we largely leave alone the group of people we should actually be fighting, and we fight among ourselves.

so fucking fucked up.

i know i am guilty of it as well.

but what would it look like, if we negotiated, compromised, worked together to create laws and guidelines to our society that largely benefited everyone. everyone.
healthcare for everyone.
clean food & water for everyone.
a decent wage for everyone.
equal rights–seriously–for everyone.
better energy for everyone.

you know who it benefits if we are all sick & dying. starving & desperate? you know who it benefits if our environment is destroyed in the name of big oil & corporate greed?

no one. not even the fuckers raking in the money. no one benefits. i don’t care if there is some bunker somewhere where they plan to wait out the collapse of society & the environment. who wants to live in a bunker? seriously.

so that’s what’s on my mind today.
as i shower.
as i ink.
as i bake scones.

you, me, the rest of the world. let’s work together. really. what could it hurt? what do we have left to lose?

img_3193

not so tight

i like to be held
but not so tight
a million years ago
i wrote a short story
about a woman who would
sneak away from her lover’s grasp
in the night as he slept
she would dance
and stretch
and feel free
before sneaking back in
so that he would not feel lost
unloved
missing her

that’s kind of what it’s like
as an empath
in a dishonest relationship
giving the other person
what they want
no questions asked
and only sneaking away
if at all
to fulfill your own needs.

but no more.
no more for me.
i like to be held
but not so tight.

i turned off all my empathy
to push him away
i did not do it on purpose
i wanted him to leave
and sought protection for my empathic ways
but in the doing
i shut off all my empathy–my ability to care
and was left with only tremendous anger.
so much anger.

now i am working on
turning my heart back on
working the anger out of my soul
without leaving a gap
big enough
for him to sneak back in.

i found this article today
17 things that happen when an empath loves a narcissist

and i realized that i have been doing 1-12 since 2002
but i have finally reached 14!
it is a slow and painful
so painful!
process…
but i am moving forward now.
no more circles.
no more destructive cycles.

(crap…i forgot to take a picture of the ink stain)

 

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