work in progress

when i was in my late teens & early twenties
i had such debilitating social anxiety
that i could barely carry on a conversation
much less express how i felt in a constructive way
my therapist taught me to approach a situation with this:
“i feel _____ when you _____”
i need to remember this
as well as to examine why
why
i feel that way when you _____.
in this world as i know it.
i see two problems with communication.
those who don’t follow the above advice
and react without thinking
and those who over-think the situation
and never act on it.
my realizing this doesn’t fix anything.
the world seems to continue on with it’s problems
despite my epiphanies…
but i am going to do my best
to examine why i feel hurt when my feelings are hurt
and to just ACT when i see someone else being hurt.
i was going to post this on facebook. but i think i need to severely curtail my relationship with facebook for the sake of my mental health as well as for the sake of my children who are the only ones nearby i can vent at when i have absorbed just way too fucking much of the facebook world.
so from now on i will blog my thoughts and share the post on facebook. if anyone wants to listen to my rantings…or peruse my art…you can always just look at my art and get a more veiled look at my psyche than my journal provides…so if anyone wants a look-see, they will have to leave facebook and come here. i know it is just one link click away…but it’s one click away.
i feel safer here than i do on facebook. i kinda shoot from the hip and choose to try to express myself effectively rather than thinking about how someone might interpret my word usage. i was recently “called out” on facebook (i hate that expression) for using a word. however, i used the word correctly & inoffensively & in referencing my own mental health, but someone was still offended by it. instead of talking to me about it, this person just berated me. and i withdrew, but i refused to take it back.  maybe if she had said, “i feel _______ when you _________” then i would have known that she was responding to me as a human & not just reacting to a word i used in a way  she didn’t like. and i in turn could think about why i felt it necessary to use the word and why i was hurt by her berating me for it.
here is what i am going to do:
i will not use my words to hurt (or if i do it will be clear that i intend to hurt with them–like calling trump an asshole.) but if my words do end up hurting, instead of just attacking me, tell me why you feel that way. okay? let’s have a conversation about it.
so my brain being on overdrive is one reason i have not finished my ink. lately i have been getting at least one a day worked on, but i am stuck on this one. with all of the “oh my god look what trump is doing now” in my facebook feed & in my email, i am shutting down and unable to function. i constantly have that nagging feeling in my head that there is something wrong that i need to obsess about…and then i realize it is everything. i need to worry about everything that is going on in the world.
but actually, what i need to worry about is taking care of my kids and my homestead and even myself–because if i shut down due to internalizing all of the bullshit trump is doing, i will be useless at saving the world.
and i need to do art.
but in the meantime, if you need somewhere safe to stay, here i am. come stay at my homestead. i would love to have my place be  a functional safe haven for oppressed people.
and i will be your ally when i do venture out into the world…even if i sometimes use inappropriate words like “fucktard.”

zen garden

social media is a blessing & a curse to people like me. i like having that connection. that easy connection. i like being able to share my thoughts and be inspired by others.

but holy crap. the negativity can suffocate you. the mass negativity. it’s devastating. the specific & personal attacks are even more devastating. seems people are quick to judge, quick to point fingers, quick to react when it can be done in a space such as social media.

i’m guilty too. yes.

so i’m dropping out of groups on facebook that have any sort of angle other than sharing information. and even then, i want it to be information about things that cannot turn political or social. plant identification. i’m still in that group. permaculture…i’m there, but maybe that is pushing it?

today i went on facebook. such a bad habit. i use it for news & entertainment. such a bad habit. but it can be fun and there are people i love there and it is such an easy platform for my art…

it is like an amplifier of what is wrong with us. as a country? as a people? everyone is turned against everyone else. my parents did this. they pitted us against each other because it was easier to control us that way. and that is what our country is. we are all turned against each other. we largely leave alone the group of people we should actually be fighting, and we fight among ourselves.

so fucking fucked up.

i know i am guilty of it as well.

but what would it look like, if we negotiated, compromised, worked together to create laws and guidelines to our society that largely benefited everyone. everyone.
healthcare for everyone.
clean food & water for everyone.
a decent wage for everyone.
equal rights–seriously–for everyone.
better energy for everyone.

you know who it benefits if we are all sick & dying. starving & desperate? you know who it benefits if our environment is destroyed in the name of big oil & corporate greed?

no one. not even the fuckers raking in the money. no one benefits. i don’t care if there is some bunker somewhere where they plan to wait out the collapse of society & the environment. who wants to live in a bunker? seriously.

so that’s what’s on my mind today.
as i shower.
as i ink.
as i bake scones.

you, me, the rest of the world. let’s work together. really. what could it hurt? what do we have left to lose?

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