the thing is
you like me
when i’m gone
the fantasy me
every time i left
you fell in love with me
all over again
you quickly remembered
what a pain i was in your
maybe you drive me
so you can revel
in the pain of losing
without having to live
with the pain
this one goes out to ex-husband number one.
he was not one of the narcissistic assholes, he was category #2 of men i find myself with: emotionally unavailable men.
i mean, i guess the narcissists are emotionally unavailable too…but some are just emotionally unavailable, otherwise, not bad guys.
ex-husband number one is totally emotionally unavailable.
you should read my journals. we met when i was just about to leave lexington, ky. to keep me from leaving, he proposed marriage.
that’s a bit extreme. couldn’t he have just said, “i think we have something good here, would you consider staying so we could find out?”
he never actually talked to me about his feelings, so….
and–being me–i married him. he barely functioned in our relationship, & we quickly broke up.
i moved out.
then he started half-assedly showing interest in me again.
i moved back in.
then he quickly lost interest again.
so i moved out. moved to texas. moved to georgia. moved to colorado.
coming back to him, over & over & over again.
then, get this, i texted him recently, being friendly–just friendly–& he wants me back…again. i was like, yeah, i show up with my four kids & you run for the hills.
he texted back, “try me.”
motherfucking fucker fuck.
what is his issue?
at least i’m smart enough now (& no longer interested in being his yo-yo) to keep my distance.
but it still pisses me off.
he was talking marriage…again. is he a sadist? a masochist? delusional?
i know the drill.
i show up, he freaks out, i leave again.
but this time with four kids in tow?
i can never ever get married again. never. no “third time’s the charm.” fuck that. i can never get married. not only can i not trust that people are who they pretend to be, but also am i just not cut out for domesticity.
i can blame the guys all i like
but truth is
it’s always a relief when those divorce papers go through.
maybe i should get it tattooed on the back of my hand for next time i am getting love-bombed & think that marriage might be fun in a happily ever after kind of way:
remember DON’T get married