strange omens

i started a “magic journal” so i can keep note
of all the magic
in my life
the magic i make
the magic i see
the magic all around
spells & dreams & omens
even the strange ones
(especially the strange ones)

i’ve been thinking a lot about manifesting the life i want. being more on point with creating/drawing magic in my life. on new year’s eve, me and a neighbor friend (and my minions) are going to work on vision boards for the coming year. i have my family…i have madness manor…i have a foundation. time to get building….

“strange omens” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45 SOLD

velvet sky

i look up at a sky full of stars &
i do not feel alone. it’s all there,
i just have to look. a sky full of
velvet & a soul to match.

this was that same good day as the previous post. i have noticed that looking up at the stars when i am feeling so lost, looking up at the stars helps me catch my breath. when the world feels like it is losing its magic, one long gaze into a velvet sky helps to make the magic real again.

dancing with the fey

we are the children of the fey
with green blood
running in our veins
a wildness
in our hearts
we dance
to a music
only we can hear
we live by words
everyone else
has forgotten
our purpose
is to bring a remembering
to turn our heart’s music
way
way up
so everyone can hear
so everyone
can dance.

i’m reading a book the way of the wild witch & it resonates quite a bit with me most times. some times not as much…but when the author writes about having fey blood passed on from years ago when the fey & humans were yummy with one another…that totally struck a chord with me
i was all like “of course–that’s why i’m this way!”
feral & green & always feeling like i don’t quite fit in….
so that was kind of cool
& empowering.
weird for a reason, y’all.

the tapestry of me

agony
is woven into my
soul
one part
of the whole
one color
in the tapestry
of me
there is much more
to me
than my
agony
but
i wouldn’t be the same
without it.

i am thinking a lot about balance lately. and realizing that even when i am not thinking about it, it is still present.
recognizing how i need my darkness. what would i be without my darkness?
probably bored.
& unappreciative of the magic times.
like right now.

the magic is mine

it is me
not them
the magic is mine
not theirs
but
i give it away
too easily
(it is mine to give)
then i start thinking
that the magic
was never mine
to begin with
when
really
the magic
was me
& wherever i happen
to leave it
it
never
leaves me.

my illustration kinda mirrors the other goddess one i did a couple days back. it’s how i am feeling lately, i guess: open.
as someone who has spent a lot of her life feeling she needs to have walls & trenches & guards alert always…it is nice to feel open.
i do prefer the open feeling.
even though it can make my guards pretty itchy.

furthermore…

here’s another art journal page inspired by my religiously intolerant soon-to-be-ex publisher.
i was trying to be understanding of his taking over 2 times what he said it would take to publish my collection & never answering my emails, but his telling me that magic is only in the mind of a human was just too much for me.
so i’m starting from scratch on publishing my short story collection…if you have any recommendations for small presses, let me know.

a slightly tilted me

something about me is off
a shifting
my magic is askew
yesterday
i was ignored by a librarian
& rebuffed by a mechanic
normally
strangers are strangely nice to me
yesterday…not so much
yesterday i forgot & left the lid
off of one of my temperamental pens
so intent i was on doing battle against
naughty cats
& my pen dried out
& my other pen wouldn’t work
& i felt as if my hands were cut off
yesterday i kept trying to continue a conversation
that i don’t know why i’m having it
but i keep trying to connect
where maybe there is no connection
maybe i am a solitary
witch
& maybe i mess it up
by fighting it
by always fighting
my life & ways….

i recently ordered a new copy of everyday magic & gave my old copy to my son. i ordered a used copy of it and when it arrived there were post-it notes marking all of the love spells. it’s weird. you would think that whoever brought in the used books would have removed all of these post-its. they are sticking out of the book all over the place…. i felt sad for the previous owner of the book. so desperate to find love…and apparently she gave up.
then i started to wonder. maybe the post-its are for me? maybe i was sent a book full of love spells for a reason? maybe i am doing this all wrong? my life….

i feel like i am doing everything all wrong lately.
trying to online date. exposing myself to the callousness of strangers. making myself too too too vulnerable.
trying to connect with people on facebook (yes, i am back on facebook because i am trying to promote mistress of mud–a lovely lovely book i illustrated)
however, i joined a women homesteaders group recently on facebook. because, well, i’m a woman. i homestead. i am desperate for community. and then i’m over-connecting. it’s weird. this fine line for me. wanting to connect…but not wanting so much exposure. wanting to be noticed while i stay safely invisible.
commenting & posting, i feel over-connected.
exposed.
and i start to wonder if i should just say “fuck it” & get off of this over-connected mass of loneliness we call the internet. live in real time.
(but here i am…blogging about it instead)

and i was contacted by a guy on okcupid. it went against two of my rules for me to contact him back. his profile picture (& only one) was of him shirtless in bed. my “eww” rule. also, he had barely written anything on his profile & he had only answered the minimum of match questions. so i couldn’t do my “deal breaker” look-see in his match questions. like guys who don’t believe in evolution…or racist/sexist guys…or anti-feminism guys. that sort of thing. oh! guys who think you should never be comfortable farting around each other. what the what?
so i broke my rules to contact him back. why? he’s a redhead. something in the way he looks in what may or may not be his real profile picture.
so i message him to see what he wants.
he says he would “love” a conversation.
so i try to start one…& he won’t let me. every time i try to start a conversation, he responds in the bare minimum of words possible.

i think he might be an alien.

so that up thar is a picture of my first black lamb with her daddy. i always wanted a black lamb. ever since i was a little girl named “mary.”

IMG_0577

here is her twin with his mama.
lambs are so cute.
i look at them & think, “how am i supposed to eat you?”
like i’m the big bad wolf.

so i need to figure out what is askew in my energy. too much alcohol while the minions are away? over-exposing my solitary witchy ways to the world at large via internet? still not being able to embrace chaos though i have cats & kids & goats eager to be my companions on that path? running away from myself?
am i running away from myself?
who am i?
who am i?
what do i want?

fuck a duck.

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