INKtober eighteenth

five years ago
you were a total
turd
five years ago
i spent the longest day
in unholy pain
pushing out a baby
i knew
would
destroy
me
while you denied
our relationship
while you created
futures
with a woman who wasn’t
me
while you conspired
& lied
& spat bitter words
resenting me
for the baby you planted
the baby i grew
inside me
resenting me
for still loving you
for still wanting you
five years ago
i learned to hate you
to hate the stranger you chose
over me
while i struggled
to learn
to love
my own child.

so while shopping for a madonna & child depiction i noticed something in all those paintings of that duo. mary never looks  happy or especially devoted to the often freaky looking infant lord she has birthed. she usually just looks exhausted, resigned, sad, distant.

my first pregnancy, i was all about being the mom. i was so over-the-top devoted to being a mom. the same could almost be said for the following two pregnancies. my fourth, however, planted there perhaps by some unholy spirit with a terrible sense of humor…my fourth was an accident. a very much unwanted accident. an extra ovulation in an aging woman’s quixotic reproductive system.
during that difficult pregnancy, dusty began his most destructive affair.
it is difficult for me not to remember all of that pain on this, my fourth child’s fifth birthday. when i look at that sad & overwhelmed madonna barely holding on to her “blessed event,” i can feel her pain.
as much as i love poppy, he can be a very difficult child. i wonder if he senses my hesitancy to be his mother. if all of that strife during the pregnancy permanently tainted my beautiful son. i want him to be happy, and when he is, my heart feels lighter.
but when he is angry & sad, i can feel his pain and believe it to be entirely my fault…& dusty’s.

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madonna without child

have i told you about my madonna complex?

i borrowed from Our Lady of Czestochowa for this one.

embracing my failures

i’m not living in the past
i’m not living in the future
i’m in the right now
& it fucking
sucks
it fucking
hurts
like hell
but i’m present
i’m here
embracing
my failures.

i was doing “yoga with adriene” last night. the theme was “embrace.” she asked us, her youtube audience, to embrace something.
being one to often cry during yoga
being one who having a hard day has become more of a given than an exception
being one to spend too much time inside my head
try as i might
all i could come up with was, “i embrace my failures.”

then cried some more because i had nothing better to embrace…cried while i stretched & toned in an effort to stay sane & fit.

i wondered at my embracing failure. it sounded like negative to me at first. like a failure in itself. i had not found anything good to embrace…only bad.
but then i wondered if it might be a good thing to embrace my failures.
right?
what else do you do with them?
hide them?
hidden things tend to fester…at least in my experience.
so maybe my embracing my failures is a step in the right direction after all.

embrace
resolve
turn around
try again….

so while that percolates on that flame of my brain, on another burner i have this noticing of a recurrence of the number six in my daily life. i have never gotten around to studying numerology, but i do notice when the same number keeps popping up. like when the clock shows my birthday…or my brother’s death day….
being a good (though recovering) catholic, i especially notice a triplet of sixes–which recently showed up on the odometer of the car i just bought. and although i do not cross myself…i do feel an impending doom when i see it.
however, being a born again pagan, i thought to myself today, what does numerology say about the number six?

i found this on a google. six as a life path number. basically spelling out all of the character traits that i have that i do battle with on a daily basis. i mean, yes, of course i want to change the world & fight for the little guy…but why can’t i just lay in the grass & drink a beer? or be a traveler with no responsibilities, leaving when things get rough? why can’t that be who i am? why do i have to be the ultra-responsible, high morality, wanna-be savior of mankind?
does mankind even deserve being saved?
can’t i take a vacation?

no. because i have actually shaped my whole fucking world around raising four children to be different. to not be like everyone else. to creating a better tomorrow in the only way i know how. by being a good mom. a strong mom. and i can’t run away from it. i have to stick to it and keep trying no matter how much i feel like i’m failing…even though it seems like i am always failing…i just have to embrace my fucking failures, and i have to keep
fucking
trying.

wow, see that?
i came full circle.

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