so empty

i’m so empty
there’s an echo
as my soul calls out
looking for its other
i’m so lost
i’m like e.t.
after he phoned home
& no one answered
i wonder
if i even deserve
the treasure i seek
is there any reason
i should find
a true love
when so many others
never do?

sometimes i really deplore myself for all the energy i spend on feeling sad & alone.
like i could be doing so many other things!
looking for life’s meaning (assuming it is not to find that so-called other half)…writing the great american novel…working on my comics…working on madness manor…letting my big brain be all it can be…finding a deeper significance to my existence….
but no
here i am sulking about being alone & lonely.
fuck me.

day 107

day 107 at madness manor…
i left my house
for four nights
to go camping
a reluctant vacation
as madness manor
sang to me
“please don’t go
i love you so!”
& i missed my house
like i would miss
a friend
what is the fun
of roughing it
in the woods
when i could be
roughing it
at home?

i always find myself wondering why people choose to go camping. vacation in such a way that you sleep on the hard ground, have to walk to get water, poop in a pit toilet, cook over a fire, combat bugs & possibly larger pests….
is it a thing like once you have done it, you feel more alive? feel like you have survived?
my every day is a struggle with survival.
my house is like camping.
so why did i bother to drive for a day to do everything i could do at home?
hmmmm.
which leads to the question–why do i choose to live my every day in a way that most would call roughing it?

when i was packing up to go on this trip that i really did not want to go on, my music mix started playing alt-j’s “breezeblocks”
i really did take it as a sign that my house was going to miss me as much as i was going to miss her.

but i’m home now. putting in heat & insulation & preparing for a winter in madness manor. yay!

our regularly scheduled program will continue…

i snuck away from madness manor to go to madeline island on lake superior this past week. i thought i forgot to pack my pens…but i did have them. not that camping & hiking & swimming & surviving the rain in a tent lends much time to writing & drawing….
i did learn that i do not ever want to go camping with my ex-husband ever ever ever again no matter how badly i feel for excluding him. no more.
it was a beautiful trip even though i was terribly homesick the entire time.

hopefully i will have new journal pages up soon!

magic

summer flowers
& autumn leaves
as we enter
the twilight
of the season
the tween
a doorway
magical
blue skies to thick
overcast
sunshine to a wind
that will make you
shiver
despite the sweat
(or because of)
that the heat had
drawn out of you
just moments
before
& you shiver again
just
because.

this was written after i watched the wind rain walnut leaves down on my lawn full of summer flowers.
it felt magical.
& also a cause of anxiety as i still need to insulate & properly heat madness manor.
a reminder of all the chores that need to be done before those autumn leaves turn into a snow shower.

the storm

standing in the rainstorm
accepting
i am powerless
wind whipping
blowing against me
speaking to me
urging me to listen
i hesitate
…i hesitate
i wish i did not
hesitate
to follow the urging
of the wildness
of the storm
urging me to follow
my own
wildness
to pay no attention
to those who might
judge me
to run free
…i will not hesitate
again.

hopefully i will not hesitate again. when i wrote this, i felt pretty sure…but i worry i am not as bold as i pretend to be. i guess time will tell.
i wrote this the day after the flood as i stood on my porch & watched (& participated in) yet another rainstorm. the last serious one for now. i felt i needed to be out in the storm, to interact with the water, so that the creek would not feel it was necessary to come visit me again.
i am happy to report my yard is finally drying up after a week of beautiful weather.
i am no longer afraid of a sinkhole opening up in my lawn.

day seventy-two

day seventy-two at madness manor
& the creek
came for a visit
i watched
helplessly
worst case scenarios
playing on loop
in my head…
the water didn’t care
it came up
from the ground
it came over the bridge
just to let me know
how powerless
i am
just to let me know
what’s important
& how
ultimately
i just need to let go
to trust.

so super scary! i knew going in there would be some flooding, & i would get water in my basement…but to actually watch the creek rise…& rise…& not stop rising until it was knocking on my backdoor….
scary as fuck.
water is a powerful element, y’all.

that last one is my backyard.
i am so so so very grateful there was no real damage–just mud in my basement & things knocked around by the water.
i don’t know how often this will happen. a city worker told me that the bridge is at fault & needs to be widened.
thing is, i live in a valley with a creek and when heavy rains come, they wash off of all those hills & into the creek & the water comes from near & far to accumulate right by my house.
& these days, the heavy rains come more & more often.

nevertheless, i still feel lucky to live here.
i still love madness manor–more even now that i have seen her handle this flood.

hide & seek

i used to hide
hoping someone
would come find me
no one
ever
did
(except once)
now i hide
knowing no one
is looking
for me
i am
alone
with my
siren song.

written on my birthday in case you were wondering how i fared on that day.
if you are curious about the one time someone came looking for me when i was hiding, check out my book confusion perfume and other neurotic comics where that phenomenon is documented. available through amazon!

i was hoping to feel better, but i am either sabotaging myself yet again or something else is going one…maybe the universe kicking me in the ass? like–why won’t my downloadable tv site work?? just let me escape into crime tv! please!

but no. my new (used) sink is leaking. i have failed the free store. my kids are out of control. the yard needs to be mowed. and i cannot download any television because the site i use is down….

sigh.

& i’m alone & lonely….

wrung out

my core
is a sponge
full of sorrow
saturated
dripping wet
with
sorrow
heavy
dense
with sorrow
wishing
wanting
to be wrung
dry.

i really love this inking of mine (i did not care for yesterday’s.)
i do not love feeling this immense sadness. “doing it alone is no fun,” i told someone after lamenting not being able to fix a dripping faucet.
day whatever at madness manor, i went to the “restore” to shop for flooring & plumbing for my once & future kitchen. then i realized that i was surely going to buy the wrong thing if i tried to buy anything. i had no idea what i was doing.
so i sat down & cried in a comfy chair. then i bought said comfy chair & went home.

home restoration is going especially slowly at madness manor.

ps. happy birthday to me xo

day twenty-six at madness manor

day twenty-six at madness manor
and i want to bury
my minions
neck deep in the backyard
i want to go back
in time
and live out my life as an old maid
a spinster
a parallel universe
where i feel a sad emptiness
for never having had
children…
breathe
center
ground…
remember
they are as out of sync
as you are
as stressed
& discombobulated
as you are
& they are up your butt
all the time
these days
because they haven’t figured out
where else
to be.

madness reigns at madness manor as we all try to live in a house that is not quite a home yet. tempers flare. i am told every day by at least one of them, “you don’t care about me!”
“i wish we never moved here!”
and much worse…
sigh…
the adjustment period.
why does it feel like it is a neverending story?

day 25 & i get to take a shower

just in time
for cooler temperatures
when dips in the creek
are not so desirable
i finally have
a hot water heater
in madness manor

i made a little garden
with some plants grown
at a local greenhouse
my first garden
at madness
manor
and seeded the yard with clover
for a happier lawn

with no kitchen
still
to speak of
here is one way
we get our food
& entertainment

all in all
we have survived
25 days
at our new home
amidst
the madness

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