the queen of swords

when i was doing the pages, killing off dusty, a friend commented to me that it was strong magic i was doing–that it would have an effect on me.

i thought it would put the last nail in the coffin…however, it seemed to cause me to look at my dusty differently. like i had killed off his evil doppelgänger and the curse was lifted & we would live happily ever after.

what?
where the fuck did that come from?
so dusty came to visit when he returned the minions and i was all warm & fuzzy towards him….

what?

it’s true. sad, but true. i started letting myself fantasize the easy fantasy.
what it the father of my children wasn’t a narcissistic asshole? what if he could return to us and be there for me every day and help with the kids and help with the homestead and i wouldn’t have to be alone anymore and i would have someone to talk to…to laugh with…to cuddle and have delicious sex with….

so after he was gone away again, i kept trying to think of ways of making it work out. ways to invite dusty back into my life again. i didn’t want to make the same mistake i had made
over
and
over
and
over.
i would take it slow and think it through and make the right decision.

so i texted him asking if he was dating anyone. i thought this would be a good first step.
he texted back “well psychotic hello kitty cunt-face (not her real name) wants us to be dating but…”

holy fucking christ in a toaster

quick timeline for clarification
2013-2015 –cheating on me with phkcf behind my back while i am pregnant with his fourth child, giving birth to that child, and taking care of an infant & 3 other children.
2015-2016 –telling me he is going to break up with her/refusing to break up with her/ she meanwhile is stalking the both of us and leaving weird little notes, graffiti, presents all over the neighborhood we live in
2016 –i move to fucking manitowoc, wisconsin to get away from the two of them because he won’t break up with her. he immediately breaks up with her (after i have moved away) and supposedly breaks ties with her.
2016-2017 we move to illinois together & try to make another go of it but fail. he goes back to wisconsin where i realize he is back in touch with her & i tell him he cannot be friends with me while remaining in contact with a person who did as much damage as phkcf did.
2018 –i realize he may still be in touch with her because all of a sudden the kids are talking about max the cat whom last i knew he had given to her (in 2013) probably so he would have an excuse to see her. so he got his cat back from her. which means there was definite contact. he says nothing to me. then he casually name-drops her as someone he could be dating?????????????

does he not get it? does he not understand that i do not want this person anywhere near my life? if he wants me in his life in any capacity, she cannot be in his life. why does he not understand that? or does he just not care? he says she means nothing to him & that he wants nothing to do with her…and she is ruining his chances of having any kind of friendship with me…yet he still corresponds with her (at least–he could be doing more–it’s not like he tells me the truth about anything.)

fuck a duck.

so here i am.
i let myself have the fantasy. i let myself go there.
now i am hurting for it.

i should have known better.
why the fuck didn’t i know better?

is it hope or stupidity or human nature or a damaged soul that lets me think he could change?

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work in progress…

okay.
so i’m not done yet…but i am still working on it!
slowly slowly.
i really like it so far, which makes me all the more worried about fucking it up.
sigh.
but i am still working on it.

i have this idea that i would like every page to be able to stand on its own. so that is another challenge.

meanwhile, i guess the minions are off to wisconsin today. dusty was going to come here to stay for a few weeks instead of the minions leaving here. but just the anticipation of his being here was turning me into an ugly unbalanced madwoman. finally, yesterday, after learning of another lie he’d told me (regarding some mutual friends) i spun out & told him he could not stay here.
he wants to move closer & wants me to help him by letting him stay here & job hunt, etc.
which, in theory, makes sense.
but in practice will chip away at my soul.
it is difficult balancing my desire to help with my knowledge of how he likes to take advantage of my desire to help.
fuck!
so sucks.
but now instead of being angry & angry…i am just sad that i will not see my minions for a week.
and relieved that dusty is not going to be here.
so relieved!
it’s like he thinks we can be a happy family again, but he won’t stop being an abusive narcissist.
i no longer want to be a family with him…but i know there is no escaping his being my children’s father.

maybe that’s why i’m killing him off in my dystopian fantasy world….
ya think?

tripping joggers

how do i rationalize spending $100 on paper (sketch pads, etc) when i have no money? i dunno. some of the paper is for the minions who love to do art almost as much as i do. you know, so it’s homeschooling. and i spent only like $70 on solstice (christmas for you non-pagans) presents…so maybe it’s okay? also! i’m getting some of my deposit back from my apartment in madison that i moved out of almost a year ago.

funny story.
after trying to leave exhusband#2 multiple times i again agreed to get a place with him…even though he was actively cheating on me right in front of me.
ah, the lies we tell ourselves.
agreeing to live with him against my better judgement, i did so insisting that we move out of madison. madison is just too damn expensive, and exhusband#2 does not like to work, and i have yet to be paid for what i do every day. so i wanted to move somewhere where we would not be living paycheck to paycheck…but he did not want to abandon his girlfriend.
so
after trying to find an apartment for a family of six in another town with absolutely no help from exhusband#2
for some reason
i agreed to keep living in madison?
in an apartment we could not afford?
i paid the deposit. living off of credit cards and student loans, i paid the $1050 security deposit.
we moved in.
a month later, biking with the minions, i came across him making out with his girlfriend (whom he was always in the process of breaking up with) on the bike path by our house.  
i freaked out.
lost it.
crashed my bike.
broke my arm.
and kicked the slut in the knee.
the wrong slut, but the slut i was aiming for….
i got a citation for “disorderly conduct” and had to go to court and pay a fine.
so i told  him, “if you don’t break up with her by the end of the semester, i am moving out of madison.”
he didn’t.
i did.
going even further into debt to lease a u-haul to move me & four minions two hours away from madison….

did  i say this was a funny story?

and i found someone to sublet the madison apartment. a “friend” who said she would pay me the deposit…but never did. and then lied to me about it…repeatedly.

so i had pretty much written off that $1050 until yesterday when the landlord contacted me to say he was sending me the deposit. how much? i dunno. but at least some. a little more money. to rationalize my buying $100 worth of paper.

it’s for the art, people! i have priorities! it’s for the art!

i don’t have cable or a smartphone or a car or new clothes or fancy appliances…but by god, i have paper to draw on!!!
and some to mat with, hopefully, so i can put some of my inkings in a local gallery? dare i dream that little dream?
paper
i love you so.

(this inking/comic is another in a series i am playing with where i take random things i have written over the years. random sentences. random ideas. random “stories.” i am taking all of that randomness and trying to turn it into visual art. i used an ink stain and a random thought to create this one. very casual.)

(aww crap. i totally forgot to do the photo progression like i did in yesterday’s post. then you can see where i’m getting my ideas from the lines in the ink…but i forgot. or rather, i was wrestling with crazy minions while trying to do art & was lucky just to finish an inking! the more i do this however, the more i should remember to photograph my procession to whimsy.)

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