neurotic or instinct

am i following my dreams
or sabotaging myself….
is it intuition
or an anxiety attack
is this what i want
or am i just
living my life
out of spite.

i am in the process of buying a brick two story built in 1900. this house was in a devastating flood in 2018 when a dam broke here in the driftless region of wisconsin. consequently, the heating system, the electrical, & the water heater were wiped out. additionally, there was a lot of damage done to the first floor. walls & cabinets were damaged and removed leaving a blank slate for me to create from.
i kinda jumped on the house without much second thought due to the fact that i could buy it for the money i inherited when my folks died. i wanted to find an investment for the money before it was nickeled & dimed away. in no other scenario could i have a brick two story house. banks don’t want to loan me money because of my lack of income…but i can slowly work on the house and bring it back to life as i can afford to while also living there with no mortgage to pay.
but this whole happening has me suffering from panic attack after panic attack as i get unsolicited advice from way too many people…one being an older sister who is doom & glooming me into believing the house is going to fall down on top of me.
i had it inspected, & i trusted the inspection. i have instincts telling me it is a good move. i have friends who totally think it is a good move, including one who works in building salvage.
do i trust me?
do i trust me?
i have been turning everything over in my head. over & over & over.
no, most people would not choose to do this…but i am excited & want to learn about solar as well as wood-burning resources as well as cabinet building. i want to be unconventional & low-impact & turn this house into something awesome. i live in an area of the country ripe with amish craftsmen, artists, and do-it-yourselfers. i think i am in good company & am ready to make new friends….
yet still terror sneaks in…& then i have to talk myself down again.
but i am able to talk myself down.
remember that summer i lived on a bus with no running water for three months? i can totally do this, right?
(or am i setting myself up for disaster???)

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