for love or money

sometimes i wonder
if i had
just one wish
would i wish for love
or success
then i’m all like
what kind of lunatic
would choose love
over success
then i’m all like
what kind of monster
would choose success
over love
if i could only have one
forever
after
& not at all the other
could i live
without art & writing
could i live
knowing for sure
i would never love again?

by money & success i don’t mean i want to be wildly famous & wealthy…all i want is to be able to not worry about if i can pay my bills…to be able to do fun things every once in awhile without having to count my pennies…to NOT live off of credit….

sigh.
yesterday when it was 11:11, i wished for an agent.
today i woke up with “waterloo” by abba in my head.
in 1995 i started working at a bar called waterloo in austin, tx. i had been working at a daycare & the hours worked well with my fiancĂ©’s hours so we got to see each other a lot. however, i was unhappy and missed working nights in bars. so i took the other job, alienated my fiancĂ©, and ended up having an affair with a co-worker.
pretty much the worst thing i have ever done.
it’s not that i was choosing success or money over love, but i was bull-headedly doing exactly what i wanted to do, fuck the consequences.
not an uncommon move for me.

something for me to think about as i move forward.

ps. speaking of agents & success, i am getting the nicest rejections! i don’t know if literary agents are just sweethearts, or if my writing is as solid as they say (despite not being what they are looking for.)

owning my worth

you don’t have to love me
for me to know
i am lovable
you don’t have to buy my art
“like” my art
for me to know
i am awesome
you don’t have to read my words
or acknowledge me
in any
way
for me to know
i am
worthy
&
worthwhile.

fuck me if this isn’t a hard lesson for me to learn. a good lesson for me to learn! why is this so hard for me to understand? i guess maybe it’s all of us as a society…but i am done with it. like my art…don’t like my art; i’m gonna keep right on making it & putting it out to the world.
love me…don’t love me; i’m gonna keep right on falling in love.

a new day

“it’s a new dawn
it’s a new day
it’s a new life
& i’m feeling good…”
sings the radio
as i realize
what the universe
has been screaming
at me
these past couple of years

“stop running away from the past”
stop
walking away
stop
locking up my heart
& denying the love
i know
to be true

stop
& open
let go of what was
& listen
to what is
let go of the hurt
& the anger
open
to the possibilities
of love.

i have been struggling with foot pain…first my right foot, and when it healed, my left foot developed the same problem.
then i broke my knee.
i have long suspected that it is more than just a physical thing. most my life, i have manifested physical ailments when i am ignoring an emotional one.
i have been trying to figure this one out for a long time & have felt more urgency recently thinking that if my knee break didn’t make me see it–what would the universe do to me next?
my full moon tarot card spread advised meditation.
so i meditated.
i am an antsy person who cannot sit still for very long; focus has always been a challenge, but i did a simple meditation.
in my meditation i learned that i try to do it all myself. i try to not look to other people for what i need. however, i cannot meet all of my own needs. i do need other people.
i need someone to love who loves me.

i had this once.
i miss it like crazy, but i tell myself i am weak for missing it. that i am weak for still loving this person. that love makes me weak & girly.
i struggle with my girly heart…thinking i need to re-enforce the walls around it & not fall prey to love.

but my meditation told me the opposite. my meditation told me i need to let love in.

huh.

i guess it’s worth a shot….

happy ostara

yesterday was the spring equinox
i inked this for an equinox party i went to
while day & night are balanced
i am still feeling off-kilter
it’s getting old, y’all
this feeling of angst…
i wonder if it is due to the upcoming book
i wonder if it is due to trying to open up to love
i wonder if it is due to being overwhelmed as a mom
i wonder if it is this feeling that i need to evolve my art & am not sure how to do that
i wonder if it is due to being overwhelmed by everything i need to do at madness manor
i wonder if it is due to the anti-versary of nasty nastiness with dusty from 2015….
i wonder if it is all
all all all
of the above

poop.

in other news i have been binge-watching veronica mars with my kids and am concerned about my weird attachment to the character “logan.”
in other news i am working on a short story about a possible cougar….

just peachy

stick your thumb through the squishy
meat
of a peach
all the way through
feel the hard scratchy pit
with all its nooks & crannies
that is my heart
all of it
the squishy overripe peach
you can smell from across the room
& the hard
edgy
pit
all of it
all of me.

true story. i am hoping to start sending out poems for possible publication. i really do not know if any of mine are any good. i have never considered myself a poet, and when i look through my journals, it all seems like i’m sniveling about me. does anyone really want to read it? is it helping anyone for me to air my dirty laundry so enthusiastically? i do wonder…. but i did like this one. i will keep playing with it & see if there is anything to it.

wild thing

who knows
maybe somewhere
there is a max
king of the wild things
who has a trick
of taming me…
until then
i will roar
my terrible roar
gnash
my terrible teeth
& show
my terrible claws
& wait
for someone
who understands
someone
who will not go
knowing
i love him so.

i kinda feel bad for anyone who ends up in a relationship with me. it will take a special one. i find myself stalking the tender-hearted…but as i posted yesterday, i usually end up just tearing them to pieces. the tender ones are yummy…but i might need someone tough….

so sexy

because there is nothing
sexier
than a woman
who is
perpetually
falling apart.

right? so sexy. the ex has been spending way too much time at my house due to being fired from the job that kept him occupied. sometimes i wonder…could i?
then i notice all the things about him that i just do not like & realize i would rather be alone than to be in another relationship with someone i am not able to respect or trust.
so that’s good. i am not so desperate for a relationship that i am willing to do something stupid.

contrary

i want love
i am not lovable
i want a man in my life
men suck
i want a relationship
no one wants to be near me

there’s a quick trip into my head. yay–fun! sometimes i’m all–yes! time to open up to the possibility of love. usually quickly followed by–who the fuck would ever love me?
my tarot cards are predicting a time of relationship building…& i did see a tall dark stranger on a walk in my hometown….
but of course i’m being ridiculous.
i will die a lonely mom.

love him love him not

reading journals
from 20
from 30
years ago
seems i had
an on-again
off-again relationship
with everyone…
look at me
hot & cold
i love him
i love him
not
do i enjoy
this inane dance
should i come with a warning
“i will love. you
deeply
dearly
but i will also
detest
you.”

it wasn’t until i was scanning this in that i realized i had put in all those daisies to have their petals ripped away one by one.
after i inked the woman & her horns, i sat & stared at the page for a long time before i finally realized that she & the page should be covered in daisy petals.
but it wasn’t until i was done & the page was recorded that i realized why.
i love him. i love him not.

funny.
so this is my own reaction to me in all my journals of past. then with the more recent history of breaking up with dusty…making babies with dusty…breaking up with dusty.
seems i’m stuck in a bit of a pattern.

or am i just entering into faulty relationships that require a stepping away & am just not stepping far enough away fast enough?

seed or stone? (the second page)

how do i warm
to the idea of a
relationship
when so many
relationships
have brought me
pain?
how do i convince myself
“sure, let’s try this
again”
let’s invite
another
into my heart
my life
my bed
when all i know
is pain?
the sun needs to warm
the cold stone
i call my
heart
so it can
sprout
so it can
grow
into a majestic tree
green
&
fruitful.

this is the second page of a two page spread as i try to soften & open myself to relationships after a lifetime of keeping my heart shielded.

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