happy ostara

yesterday was the spring equinox
i inked this for an equinox party i went to
while day & night are balanced
i am still feeling off-kilter
it’s getting old, y’all
this feeling of angst…
i wonder if it is due to the upcoming book
i wonder if it is due to trying to open up to love
i wonder if it is due to being overwhelmed as a mom
i wonder if it is this feeling that i need to evolve my art & am not sure how to do that
i wonder if it is due to being overwhelmed by everything i need to do at madness manor
i wonder if it is due to the anti-versary of nasty nastiness with dusty from 2015….
i wonder if it is all
all all all
of the above

poop.

in other news i have been binge-watching veronica mars with my kids and am concerned about my weird attachment to the character “logan.”
in other news i am working on a short story about a possible cougar….

just peachy

stick your thumb through the squishy
meat
of a peach
all the way through
feel the hard scratchy pit
with all its nooks & crannies
that is my heart
all of it
the squishy overripe peach
you can smell from across the room
& the hard
edgy
pit
all of it
all of me.

true story. i am hoping to start sending out poems for possible publication. i really do not know if any of mine are any good. i have never considered myself a poet, and when i look through my journals, it all seems like i’m sniveling about me. does anyone really want to read it? is it helping anyone for me to air my dirty laundry so enthusiastically? i do wonder…. but i did like this one. i will keep playing with it & see if there is anything to it.

wild thing

who knows
maybe somewhere
there is a max
king of the wild things
who has a trick
of taming me…
until then
i will roar
my terrible roar
gnash
my terrible teeth
& show
my terrible claws
& wait
for someone
who understands
someone
who will not go
knowing
i love him so.

i kinda feel bad for anyone who ends up in a relationship with me. it will take a special one. i find myself stalking the tender-hearted…but as i posted yesterday, i usually end up just tearing them to pieces. the tender ones are yummy…but i might need someone tough….

so sexy

because there is nothing
sexier
than a woman
who is
perpetually
falling apart.

right? so sexy. the ex has been spending way too much time at my house due to being fired from the job that kept him occupied. sometimes i wonder…could i?
then i notice all the things about him that i just do not like & realize i would rather be alone than to be in another relationship with someone i am not able to respect or trust.
so that’s good. i am not so desperate for a relationship that i am willing to do something stupid.

contrary

i want love
i am not lovable
i want a man in my life
men suck
i want a relationship
no one wants to be near me

there’s a quick trip into my head. yay–fun! sometimes i’m all–yes! time to open up to the possibility of love. usually quickly followed by–who the fuck would ever love me?
my tarot cards are predicting a time of relationship building…& i did see a tall dark stranger on a walk in my hometown….
but of course i’m being ridiculous.
i will die a lonely mom.

love him love him not

reading journals
from 20
from 30
years ago
seems i had
an on-again
off-again relationship
with everyone…
look at me
hot & cold
i love him
i love him
not
do i enjoy
this inane dance
should i come with a warning
“i will love. you
deeply
dearly
but i will also
detest
you.”

it wasn’t until i was scanning this in that i realized i had put in all those daisies to have their petals ripped away one by one.
after i inked the woman & her horns, i sat & stared at the page for a long time before i finally realized that she & the page should be covered in daisy petals.
but it wasn’t until i was done & the page was recorded that i realized why.
i love him. i love him not.

funny.
so this is my own reaction to me in all my journals of past. then with the more recent history of breaking up with dusty…making babies with dusty…breaking up with dusty.
seems i’m stuck in a bit of a pattern.

or am i just entering into faulty relationships that require a stepping away & am just not stepping far enough away fast enough?

seed or stone? (the second page)

how do i warm
to the idea of a
relationship
when so many
relationships
have brought me
pain?
how do i convince myself
“sure, let’s try this
again”
let’s invite
another
into my heart
my life
my bed
when all i know
is pain?
the sun needs to warm
the cold stone
i call my
heart
so it can
sprout
so it can
grow
into a majestic tree
green
&
fruitful.

this is the second page of a two page spread as i try to soften & open myself to relationships after a lifetime of keeping my heart shielded.

more martyr than saint

my mom used to say, “it takes a saint to live with a martyr.” she had a bunch of fun sayings.
“people in hell want ice water”
“the road to hell is paved with good intentions”
etc.
this one, the martyr/saint one, was usually directed at my paternal grandmother….

any hoo!
this thought was about my own children. that they drive me to the brink of darkness, but then are the one thing that gives me a reason to smile again.
funny how that works.
those things we love can really torture us.

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