love him love him not

reading journals
from 20
from 30
years ago
seems i had
an on-again
off-again relationship
with everyone…
look at me
hot & cold
i love him
i love him
not
do i enjoy
this inane dance
should i come with a warning
“i will love. you
deeply
dearly
but i will also
detest
you.”

it wasn’t until i was scanning this in that i realized i had put in all those daisies to have their petals ripped away one by one.
after i inked the woman & her horns, i sat & stared at the page for a long time before i finally realized that she & the page should be covered in daisy petals.
but it wasn’t until i was done & the page was recorded that i realized why.
i love him. i love him not.

funny.
so this is my own reaction to me in all my journals of past. then with the more recent history of breaking up with dusty…making babies with dusty…breaking up with dusty.
seems i’m stuck in a bit of a pattern.

or am i just entering into faulty relationships that require a stepping away & am just not stepping far enough away fast enough?

seed or stone? (the second page)

how do i warm
to the idea of a
relationship
when so many
relationships
have brought me
pain?
how do i convince myself
“sure, let’s try this
again”
let’s invite
another
into my heart
my life
my bed
when all i know
is pain?
the sun needs to warm
the cold stone
i call my
heart
so it can
sprout
so it can
grow
into a majestic tree
green
&
fruitful.

this is the second page of a two page spread as i try to soften & open myself to relationships after a lifetime of keeping my heart shielded.

more martyr than saint

my mom used to say, “it takes a saint to live with a martyr.” she had a bunch of fun sayings.
“people in hell want ice water”
“the road to hell is paved with good intentions”
etc.
this one, the martyr/saint one, was usually directed at my paternal grandmother….

any hoo!
this thought was about my own children. that they drive me to the brink of darkness, but then are the one thing that gives me a reason to smile again.
funny how that works.
those things we love can really torture us.

my mourning dove heart

is it spring time
the end of the world
or is it just
that i mate for life?
i cannot get dusty off my mind
obviously i did not bury him
deep enough…
or we are
unwilling
soulmates
after all.

moses jones page six

my tarot reading last night indicated that i am ready for a new relationship…but am still heavily influenced by what happened in my relationship with dusty….
my art/comic concurs.
the dusty effect on my heart….

harpy love song

my heart
shrieks
for you
like a falcon
on the hunt
echoing back
it sounds like a
harpy call
so desperate
lonely
& bitter
i cry to the sound
of my heart
shrieking
& wonder
who could ever
ever
be lulled
by the sound of it.

there is a struggle happening in my heart as i try to find that ever elusive balance between light & dark…hope & despair.

as i contemplate my impending search for a new home for my minions & me & the money involved, i think again, how nice it would be if you would be my patron….

i post almost daily over there & you can read those posts for just a dollar a month.
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