i buried myself

i try to bury myself
with life
with living things
land, plants, pets, livestock
children
i hoard
to try to fill a hole
that deep dark unquenchable
hole
i call my heart
to feel needed…
but that need
it overwhelms me
& all i want to do
is run away
to shed my skin
to start
anew.

i’m in a bad place. i wish i knew why. i am a bad person. i wish i knew why.
sigh.
my biggest fear is becoming my own parents.
tonight i felt like i have become their shadow.
i don’t want to be my parents.
i want to be a good person.

but as my mom liked to say,
the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

pray for me, my lovelies…

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no wonder

i still wonder
but i no longer
hope
i no longer believe
i look for authenticity
i find…
nothing
people chock full of
nothing.

i probably expect too much of people. okay. i know i expect too much of people…and i have always hoped to prove myself wrong–i mean, that people weren’t phony.
why does everyone seem so phony?
is it social media? i mean, do i now have access to more people; therefore, i see more of the falseness of people? or is it just that people are false by nature?

or maybe i’m just jaded.

okay–back to my hiding place!