emails from ex-cheerleaders
high school reunion
for this small town freak
i was going to be famous
i was going to be
bigger than the beatles
life got in the way
now i am a single mom
just another cog
turning circles around
but going nowhere
so if anyone is looking for a good time, i have an invite to my 30 year high school reunion….
i wasn’t invited to my 20 year…the only time i actually was in a relationship. granted it was with dusty…but he’s charming & easy on the eyes. he might have been a good date….
my 10 year i was invited to…and i found a date…but then i ended up deciding it would be more fun just to get laid & skip the reunion.
that was pretty much how a lot of my decision making was done when i was in my 20s.
i have been depressed ever since i got the invite.
plus i had to see dusty to pick up the kids yesterday.
plus every song is still reminding me of seymour as he continues to ignore me….
in other news!
i was invited to join the literati mafia!!! so my imposter’s syndrome and anxiety about anyone noticing me is on full blast.
full blast, y’all.
and i am working on a post for them. which, of course, i am worried will not be good enough…but in my head it is an awesome response to the invite to my high school reunion/another obsessive piece about seymour.
so stay tuned!
(the illustration today is my practicing my figure drawing. lots of nipples & cooch in figure drawing, as it turns out.)
ps. i posted my memoir, in full without illustrations over on medium.
i wrote a little bit more on my memoir.
there is now a page eight and a page nine.
i wrote page nine (i had started but not finished page eight at the time) after waking up from a dream about him. the whole thing felt so delicious. you know those dreams.
and i looked in the mirror–and my hair (at least in my mind) was all like super sexy super model hair.
being one of those people who have few & far between “good hair days,” of course i took a picture.
my dream was so awesome, it gave me good hair.
that says something, right?
once upon a time we sat in a room
where i lived
& you visited
just to see me
& we looked at our feet as we brainstormed
how to make
your feet with so much character
of tree frog feet
my feet, i said, would be the picture
in the dictionary
under the word
a million years later my feet are not so
as they used to be
but they still remind me
he was my muse
my favorite thing to draw
the only face
i wanted to see
he was my burden
the thing i ran away from
every other day
he was my savior
the only one who ever believed in me
he was my daily reminder
that one day i would lose
everything that ever mattered
i only wanted him
after i had thrown him away
i only let myself love him
after i had lost him.
i don’t know what year this journal entry was from…maybe 1994? 1995? the poem(ish) is from today because every song is reminding me of him…again.
i started working on a memoir over on tumblr (link is on the right hand side there… “meet me in the sunroom”)
i am writing it on tumblr because, frankly, i fit in better with the hopeless romantics over there…the open hearts & injured souls. i get more of a response over on tumblr than i do here. i mean, i totally appreciate y’all who do read me, but there just aren’t very many of you.
so i will keep this as my “website” for business (if that ever happens) purposes…but i might start doing my ranting over on tumblr.
i am trying to decide if i should delete my blog & just keep my artwork up? we’ll see.
anyhoo. in more efforts to exorcise demons, talk to ghosts, and figure myself out, i have started a memoir about seymour and myself. i used a stock photo of matt dillon to do this quick portrait. it doesn’t look like either one of them…but it does what i need it to do.
that’s all for now.
you were in my dreams last night
all of them
sweet dreams where i laid my head
on your chest
that i would always feel that way
as i stared
into your warm brown eyes
hoping that you would always
how am i supposed to live like this
how am i supposed to embrace
of a life
you are the ghost that haunts me
the haunting that leaves me
repenting my sins
you filled my dreams
i just want
to go back to sleep.