going down (& not in the fun way)

sometimes you have to
go down
(down down down)
in order to
come up
sometimes you have to
fall
backwards
to figure out the way
forward
falling is sometimes
just
another way to fly
maybe it’s time
for you to stop
& breathe
& trust that you are on
the right path
despite
all the detours.

more thoughts on my recent emotional face plant.
all triggered by my epic motherhood fails which in turn knocked over the domino of my feeling so very alone in my single mom adventure.
and all the dominoes fell
spectacularly
burying me in my own substantial remorse.

but…i am slowly digging my way back out.
maybe today i will have the headspace to do the work towards getting an editor (unlike yesterday where i spent the day doing a jigsaw puzzle.)

also! i am up & about. moving slowly, but doing yoga, taking walks (on crutches still), and weeding my many gardens that have gone unweeded under the care of my four feral minions.

alone again

i feel like
to survive my lonely
i have to isolate
to weed
out
every half-assed friend
& insincere
acquaintance
who only seems to care
when there is something
in it
for them
because
when i feel alone
i feel
even more
alone
for all the people
who fail me.

might be my inner pariah talking, but i find when i feel alone, all i want to do is isolate. like throwing out the junk food when you are starving.
hmmm.
so i find myself dumping my friends who aren’t really my friends.
and i am being fair & giving them the benefit of the doubt. i’m not just making heads roll…but still, what friends i have are not meeting even my lowest of standards.

i need new friends. substantial friends. no more junk food.
how does one go about meeting authentic people?

alone

feeling alone
so
profoundly
alone
triggers
a self-destructive
downward
spiral
&
nothing
makes me feel
more alone
than being
a single
mom.

so basically it’s a negative feedback loop? i think…it’s been awhile since college & learning about said loops. but it is a difficult roller coaster to get off of. that’s for sure.
my kids go crazy & become overwhelming…i deteriorate. i deteriorate & become self-destructive. this in turn causes my children to feel insecure & act out.
yup. negative feedback loop.

in my novel i comment on a dance: 2 steps forward, one step backwards & straight off a cliff….

i feel like that’s where i am.

in other news. i have to research how to write a query letter & a synopsis for my novel in order to catch an agent.
also! if there are any qualified editors out there who want to read through my novel & give feedback in exchange for art, please contact me!

dove soup II

i am being haunted
by single doves
one stood on the curvy road today
making me swerve to go around it
another
crashed into my window
at dusk
while i tried to relax
with my family
and there is always that one
always watching
perched on that telephone wire
always watching
these singletons
who have either lost
or not yet found
a mate
they have become an infestation
a taunting
making my cold heart
colder
provoking my contrary nature to say
“you know what?
i can stay single forever.
just watch me.”

doves mate for life.
a redneck ex of mine told me that in the context that now when he shoots one dove, he makes sure to kill its mate as well. that was the sort of kind-hearted soul he was. that was the kind of fucked up logic he wielded in life & in our relationship.
he also told me that no one should get married before they dated for two years. he then proposed to me after we had dated for two years, at the same time, confessing that he had cheated on me with five other women. god told him to tell me.
oh hey! this is a good easter story as i ended up meeting this jewel on an easter sunday when i left my sister’s house to avoid hanging out with my parents. i went out to a bar and two years later got proposed to by an asshole.
maybe he is the reason why i married the very next guy i dated after a month of dating….

totally sucks that whenever i see a lonely dove i think of him. totally sucks that i am constantly seeing lonely doves these days.
time for some dove soup.

without smooches

as the universe prepares
to dazzle me
with its vast mysteries
i just keep myself wondering
if i will ever get laid
again
for what is enlightenment
worth
without smooches

i did this page backwards. i inked an illustration and then wrote a thought around it. really. i could be having non-stop epiphanies & be the most brilliant thing in the universe…but i would still be all like, yeah–but am i pretty?

in other news, last night i had a nightmare that i remarried my ex-husband. in the dream i was lamenting the marriage just after it happened. wondering when i could divorce him again.
i have never been happier to wake up in the morning.
so–i might be lonely, but i’m not desperate.

so empty

i’m so empty
there’s an echo
as my soul calls out
looking for its other
i’m so lost
i’m like e.t.
after he phoned home
& no one answered
i wonder
if i even deserve
the treasure i seek
is there any reason
i should find
a true love
when so many others
never do?

sometimes i really deplore myself for all the energy i spend on feeling sad & alone.
like i could be doing so many other things!
looking for life’s meaning (assuming it is not to find that so-called other half)…writing the great american novel…working on my comics…working on madness manor…letting my big brain be all it can be…finding a deeper significance to my existence….
but no
here i am sulking about being alone & lonely.
fuck me.

hazy lazy afternoon

no
don’t worry
i’m just trying
to go into an alcohol induced
trance
to meet my true love
on some neutral plane
some
parallel universe
on this
hazy
lazy
afternoon
a too warm breeze
through an open curtain
gnats
suicidal fairies
in my too warm beer
as i drool
on the fabric
of my armchair
murmuring
“where are you already?”
“isn’t this where we agreed upon?”
“i don’t understand”
“i…miss you…”

sad & true. i am not longer to tolerate any kind of strength in a beer & may have to swear the stuff off for good. which makes me a little sad.
i will have to find new ways to commune with otherworldly realms.

so sexy

because there is nothing
sexier
than a woman
who is
perpetually
falling apart.

right? so sexy. the ex has been spending way too much time at my house due to being fired from the job that kept him occupied. sometimes i wonder…could i?
then i notice all the things about him that i just do not like & realize i would rather be alone than to be in another relationship with someone i am not able to respect or trust.
so that’s good. i am not so desperate for a relationship that i am willing to do something stupid.

contrary

i want love
i am not lovable
i want a man in my life
men suck
i want a relationship
no one wants to be near me

there’s a quick trip into my head. yay–fun! sometimes i’m all–yes! time to open up to the possibility of love. usually quickly followed by–who the fuck would ever love me?
my tarot cards are predicting a time of relationship building…& i did see a tall dark stranger on a walk in my hometown….
but of course i’m being ridiculous.
i will die a lonely mom.

single mom ISO

single mom iso an intelligent conversation
single mom looking for someone to laugh with
single mom seeking a shoulder to cry on
punk rock mom looking for a friend
anarchist mom iso someone who gets me
artist mom hoping for a little romance
genius mom with a backlog of “that’s what she said” jokes
waiting for the right
somebody

i am pretty much always writing my “do you like pina coladas” tagline in my head. all the time. it is kind of soothing. however, i have learned not to actually go on dating sites. i am not the type of person they were designed for.
so i write my little dating site ditties in my head and stare longingly at my handsome handyman
& never lift a finger to actually make a move to find my so-called soulmate
knowing the universe is sick of my shit
and i am bound to die alone.

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