i don’t even know
who i miss anymore
someone i’ve never met
i lost a long time
i don’t even know
why i cry anymore
is it for something
i will never find?
yesterday i started crying
not because my four year old
was screaming at me
the entire drive home
to unbuckle his seat belt
so he could get out
not because of that
but because I had no one
to tell it to
to commiserate with
to vent to
to laugh about it with
i started crying
because the only one to fix me coffee
in the morning
the person i am in love with
does not love me back
& the father of my children
i cannot trust enough
to even have a conversation
& that leaves me
raising four kids
i don’t think i can pretend anymore that there is a snowball’s chance in hell that seymour feels the same way about me that i do about him.
and then i wonder, if he did magically write me back or call me or show up on my doorstep, would that change the hole in me?
i am asking seriously.
i mean–i know that only i can fix me. i know that. and i have spent like forty years working on that and am optimistic that i might have made some real headway. i estimate that there is only about forty more years of work left to do.
my question is
will another person…a person i love truly and who truly loves me back
should that person happen into my life
would that fix my lonely?
the lonely that seems to spin in my chest
a black hole
if the answer is no.
if that is the world we live in…
i’m not sure i want to live in that world. that “we are born alone; we die alone” world. that cynical and rational-minded world.
it doesn’t seem like the right world for me.
you were in my dreams last night
all of them
sweet dreams where i laid my head
on your chest
that i would always feel that way
as i stared
into your warm brown eyes
hoping that you would always
how am i supposed to live like this
how am i supposed to embrace
of a life
you are the ghost that haunts me
the haunting that leaves me
repenting my sins
you filled my dreams
i just want
to go back to sleep.
maybe i cursed myself
not the moon
not a man
i brought down
locked it away
as a thing
there is a part of me
that will always
until i can search it out
& stomp it
why yes, i have been doing my yoga…why do you ask?
my minions are in wisconsin with dusty & my heart is breaking & i am promising myself to cherish them every intense moment when i have them back once more in my clutches.
i had a promising conversation with an okcupid-er but the problem was he changed his profile age from 45 to 35 sometime between my messaging him & his messaging me back. when i asked he claimed to be 35…but then i read through all of his answers to the match questions, & he repeatedly referred to himself as being in his forties in the answers (which did not even ask for an age–yet he volunteered it over & over again.) so i politely–ever so politely–asked him about it…and never heard back from him again.
online dating is beyond weird.
in other news, buttercup, one of my two ewes, gave birth last night. i went out to dump water buckets (so no ice in the morning) at sunset, & she was not in the pasture with luke but in the sheep hut. this is not like her. so i went in to check & heard a baby bleating before i even saw the lamb. she went on to have another lamb (twins!) i checked on her throughout the night because last time she gave birth, at dusk, i left her alone and then found a dead twin in the morning. she did fine. the night was nice and dark though. cold & windy.
it amazes me how a newborn sheep can seem fine with this february weather. yikes. but so far so good. they are both active & happy today.
though i feel sad that the minions weren’t here to see the lambs born.
they should be here.
they belong here.
i miss my minions.
i don’t want to be alone.
i just wanted
if i could fill up a page
(i like this one–i don’t always like my self-portraits–but i really really like this one)
i am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the online dating. trying not to become jaded with all the ickiness of it…but still keeping it as a viable option for having (at the very least) a conversation.
much like grade school
no one i’ve liked has liked me back.
so i fill up a page with me.
here i am!
don’t forget! if you love (or even just like it) my art, you can now buy a book that i illustrated: mistress of mud
holy crap, y’all
i got a little addicted to the okcupid.
i jokingly told my kids that it was my favorite
i would go to the profile of someone
i had more in common with
& very little uncommon with
and i would read through their answers
to those random
fucked up questions
i think i lost two days?
depression, loneliness, & online dating
my idea was
i would find someone sane
to date, fall in love, & rule the world with
and i looked at all these guys
while giving some vanilla (vanilla for me)
to hard questions
(some i did answer more hap-hazardly)
hoping to find mr. right-minded.
you know the guy who
lets me be as crazy as i need to be
but is there to catch me when i fall.
i messaged some of those guys.
so then one night i come across the most bitterly
& admittedly not-right-in-the-head profile
and i’m all like
i love you!
&, of course, not being right in the head
i message him this.
not even the crazies
are crazy enough
to date me.
but enough about me.
here is page two of my graphic novel moses jones: apocalyptic mama. i haven’t done any art in the past couple of days due to binging on okcupid & then crying myself to sleep, but i hope to do some tonight. maybe a new page of mojo? so those of you who have never read it, take a peek. there is a link up yonder. and if you feel like collaborating &/or dating & running away with me. give me a holler.
(“rosanna” by toto just came on my mix, so i’m guess that that is a sign that the one crazy enough to sweep me off my feet is near 😉 )
ps. i put this photo of me awkwardly playing with my bokken on my okcupid profile…bad idea or good idea?