flowing

letting go
of my anger with the men
all the men…
they can no longer hurt me
letting go
of my anger with motherhood
we get it
it’s a thankless fucking job
but you’re going to do it
so just do it
letting go
of my need to make sense
of things
that just don’t
letting go
my need to control
that which needs to be free
is like my insisting on
trying to sculpt water
i need to
accept
just
accept
& move forward in the flow.

some of my posts are inspired by texts to people. this one was inspired by a comment made by robert wertzler who has been sharing my blog over on his blog. thank you, robert!

i feel like i have been stuck for awhile. i was moving, and now i am caught up in one of those inadvertent dams that happen when there is too much debris in too narrow a flow.
that’s exactly where i’m at.
stuck.
maybe i need to sort through the debris? or maybe i just need to blow out my dam & get moving again.

“blooms”
8X10 inking on watercolor paper
$45 ish

one thousand cuts

just because what he does
isn’t the worst thing
he could do
just because it isn’t
completely
wrong
doesn’t make it
right
is death by a thousand cuts
any better
than being destroyed
all at
once?

more thoughts on the “little crimes” done by past boyfriends & not-my-boyfriends. i got some texts from mr. 2-to-tango (who apparently reads my blog) after each of the last two posts…but i did not read them. so!
my dreams have moved from oceans to smaller bodies of moving water. i am taking this as a good sign. like maybe i am getting some direction? direction would be nice.

letting go

is it possible that the universe
knows better
than i do
that the universe has better
judgement
than i do
that the universe
knows
what is best for me?
is it possible
that i am more likely
to sabotage myself
is it possible that patterns of abuse
are some pretty fucking difficult
grooves
to come free of?
…is it possible for me
to just let go
& trust?

to deal with being terrified of relationships while wanting to pursue relationships, i have been using some divination…tarot cards, tea leaf reading, bird watching, etc.
i have been using spell work to lighten the chain around my heart and to not have so much anxiety about letting others into my life–while also working to recognize who is good for me & who is not.
it really seems that i am ready to pursue a relationship…however, i am still terrified.
but, you know, with good reason….

goodbye

it was as if the island did not want me to be there.
every sign an exit sign.
rain filling the tent
a sky clouding over as soon as we got to the beach
for a swim
crows crying out a warning every morning
relentless flies & pissy park rangers…
i wondered if it was an omen of bad things to come…
only to realize it was a letting go
like the end of the movie
when you have to set free the thing you love
have to chase off the thing you love.
the island was telling me to leave
to run free
& to not look back.

this has everything to do with dusty. i planned this vacation to madeline island with him. kind of a co-parent thing. i thought it would work out okay because things had been going more friendly between us.
but i really do not like being around him.
especially not for an entire camping trip.
we are so different in the ways we live our lives. the ways we see the world. the ways we parent….
it hurts me to be around him. i wish it did not…but it does. i am damaged a little every time i tolerate his bullshit. and i feel like i have to tolerate his bullshit in order to keep the peace.
…and i really really do not like tolerating bullshit.

it was totally his fault the tent flooded. i kept trying to nicely tell him the flaw in his thinking. the flaw that was causing the tent to turn into a leaky water bed…but he kept telling me how it was going to work. i had to wait it out, bailing out the tent more than once, before he would “let” me fix the problem (without any help from him.)

i once surmised of our relationship that if we were ever in a situation where we had to work together to survive–we just wouldn’t. we would be dead.

but i survived.
& the island made it clear to me that i need to let go & stop the nonsense.

into the abyss of me

i cannot control
my moods
the ebb & flow
the phases
of the moon
i can’t stop
my moods
&
i shouldn’t…
i can control
how i react
to my moods
celebrate & nurture
my moods
pay attention to them
don’t
lock them in a closet
not even
the ugly ones
give all of them
the attention
they crave
the attention
they demand
value the dark side
as much as
the full bright shining one
& every mood
in between.

going from zen as fuck to snarky & irrational opened some doors into how i deal with my mood swings…how i deal with my emotions.
instead of letting them control me as i try to control them, what if i just say, “hey, there’s that rabid anger again; i wonder what i need to address before i let it go?”
or something like that.
emotions happen for a reason, right?
instead of burying them or denying them, use them as a flashlight to uncover what is really going on.
& then let them go.

letting go

balance
again
i find
a need for
balance
when to let go
when to surrender
& when to be
responsible
not delinquent…
learn how to ask myself
“what is the worst
that could happen?”
and let fate
take its
course….

i wrote this ten days ago when i was all “i’m so zen”
then a few days back, i lost my mind to that rabid bunny that creeps about in the dark places of my mind. i became all about control & trying to make things–force things–to go my way when clearly they just weren’t. i could feel the zen still there under the rabid bunny action…but there seemed to be nothing i could do to subdue said bunny.
until i let go
again.
so it’s finding that balance. between zen & rabies. between snarky & enlightened.
it’s a process…..

letting go

we should be proud
of ourselves
that we gave it
one
last
try
we should not
be so hard
on ourselves
for failing at something
we had little chance
of winning
you & i
just do not
belong
together
we should accept
let go
move on
& just stop
fighting
a truth we may not
agree with
but a truth
nonetheless.

i wish i could say this to him. but i am at the point where i am not even able to talk to him. anything i say–everything i say, he finds a way to twist into something ugly & profane.
i find
i just have to say less & less.
which drives him crazy. that is not my intent. i wish we could have a conversation & work things out.
but after enough circles, i really can’t see a happy ending for us.

downward spiral

we are no longer
moving forward
this would not
worry me
as i know healing is a
two step forward
one step back
kind of dance
however
the dance we are doing
feels a bit too
familiar
this
neck-breaking
soul crushing
plunge
of a downward spiral
called you
& me.

moving forward? stuck in fucking reverse is more like it. dusty actually told me he felt we should re-visit the past. funny. i am willing to forgive him all of his betrayals with other women & move forward in healing. i felt we should address what was going wrong in the hear & now with our attempt at a relationship…he, however, feels the need to re-hash something i may or may not have said 10 years ago.
letting go? that man is clutching every wrong i’ve possibly committed & counting them as he sits on my grave.

true warrior

more art journaling about letting go of stories that no longer serve me.

i am only on the internet every few days or so–kinda sporadically. if you want me to post more moses jones, i totally will. however, i don’t want to post too many things at once & since i am doing a lot of art journaling to work my way through another transition, & i am mostly posting said. journal pages right now.
but i am still working on comics & illustrations.
also fiction.
re-doing my collection of short stories at the moment….

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