broken mirrors

i keep reaching
out
to exes
as if the contact
i have
with the ones
i still
know
isn’t irritating
enough
enough!
why do i want
to fill my time
fill my life
with
empty
vessels
& broken
mirrors?

more practice with my bamboo pen. slowly slowly learning from my mistakes.
i have that little voice saying, “don’t do that–be careful!”
& i ignore it & fuck it all up…much like my dating life.
slowly slowly i learn from my mistakes.

i have been working out a lot about my approach to relationships & my obsession with exes lately. long fucking overdue–& just in time for valentine’s day.

i borrowed from evelyn de morgan again for this inking.

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fucking it all up

seems
i learn best
by fucking up
my
failures
are my best
and most true
teachers
sure
i don’t always
learn
the first time
(just can’t seem to kill
that internal
infernal
optimist
‘try again,’
she says,
‘surely it will be
different
this time,’
she says)
but!
eventually
i fuck it up
hard
enough
a brick
to my head
for
a
massive
a-ha!
moment.

so i got a new life drawing book. i keep ordering new art books despite dire times in the money department. thank god for thriftbooks.com.
my bamboo pen, my chinese ink brush, and much messy ink are keeping me warm on this cold, cold night.
in sort of related news, do i need to put sweaters on my lambs?

INKtober thirty-first

i hand my heart
to you
you
carelessly
drop it
in a corner
i hand my bruised heart
to you
you
break it
without
a second thought
i had my broken heart
to you
you
leave it
in tatters
forgotten
i hand my tattered heart
to you…
stop
back up
i hold my own heart
my own
tattered
broken
bruised
heart
& wonder…
what the fuck
do i
expect?

INKtober twentieth

i wish
i could be
in love with you & feel
good
about it
instead of felling like i am
about
to step
off a cliff
&
onto a land mine
which
instead of killing me instantly
& with no pain
will just tear me
to pieces
letting me die
a
slow
painful
death
cold & isolated
in my sorrow.

okay, my witchy & mystic friends, tell me…yesterday, while standing with dusty at sunrise, i watched (and then shouted & ran towards it) as a hawk flew down & tried to take off with one of my young chickens.
then, as i drove to the feed store with iggy & poppy, a hawk flew along side our car for about a quarter of a mile.
then today, as i drove to the farmer’s market with my minions, a hawk flew off of a post and practically right into my windshield. i actually ducked inside my car for fear of  being hit by a hawk. (the hawk, however, did not make contact with my car)

what is the universe trying to tell me?

dusty came down to our house for poppy’s & fidgit’s birthdays. he spent one night & returned to wisconsin. there was some physical activity between the father of my children & me. i have been celibate (man, it took me forever to remember that word just now) for about a year & a half, so i was overdue for some…and i don’t regret it…but i also don’t think there is a future for dusty & myself as a “couple”…despite our smoking hot chemistry.
nothing changes. nothing stays the same.
i felt defeated after he was gone.
nothing changes.
and today when i tried to explain my lack of hope to him…it quickly turned into a mud slinging free-for-all.
yay.

so is that it? are the hawks just telling me to pay attention? to listen to the signs i am given? to trust my instinct?

ah fuck.
i’m going to die alone.
but at least the universe hasn’t given up on me.

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