2001 a journal odyssey

nevermind
he broke my heart
something
wrong with me
i guess
i’m just something
to use
& toss
aside
unloved
unwanted

i’m tired
of men treating me
like i don’t
matter
how come no one
treats me
like i mean
something
do i think
so little
of myself
that i let
every asshole
take away
a part of me
& piss
on the wound?

these are words i wrote in journals in 2001 when i was 31. they were written as prose, but i could see how they would be written in free verse i journal in these days…so i put them in a page of my journal 20 years later.
maybe now you can see why i am scared of relationships?
granted most of these past 20 years have been spent in just one relationship…but, fuck me, it was a doozy of a mind fuck.

i like to think i have recovered some since i first wrote these words. my art journaling has definitely helped me to scab over some of these wounds.

now, i guess, i peek out of my hole & wait for spring. surely spring is coming? though not with a gentle blossoming but with a storm of the century….
(journal pages not yet written)

ps. though my handwriting & heartache stay somewhat of a constant…i am happy to report that my art has greatly improved!

i’m nanowrimo-ing

or trying to, at least
i’m working on two different projects
which has me working on stories
everyday
so, yay!
but no worries
i am still journaling
but need to get to inking
as well so i can post something
however
thoughts keep falling out of my head
before i can commit them to paper
you know how it goes
you think there is no way
you will forget something
& then it is gone.

but! until i can get some journal pages done, i will just go ahead & remind y’all that i did write a book and i do have a box of them sitting in my office waiting to be autographed & mailed to you!
you can paypal me…write me a check…mail me some cash…whatever gets this book in the mail to you.
if you need it, my email is quixoticmamama@gmail.com

xo

inktober starts tomorrow….

i did it in 2016 and it inspired my whimsical ink series which was just me spilling ink & finding images in it.
i started to do it last year, but then petered out. except it did start my self-portrait series….
so, i totally should do it–if for no other reason–to discover/uncover another layer of my art. right?
right.

i have been a bit awol this past week. i am still writing…but i have not done any ink (another reason i should do inktober–to get my pen moving again!)

IMG_1693
i got a new goat (vincent van goat)

IMG_1611
and a new puppy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (bluejean boogie) who i am just a little excited about & preoccupied with training & socializing…& staring at dreamily…who needs a relationship or a new baby…i got a puppy!!!!!!!!!!!!

IMG_1692

random thoughts II

y’all should know, random thoughts posts are more likely to happen if i’ve had a beer or two…. i like beer. IPA if you are thinking of sending me some. flying dog‘s raging bitch is my current favorite for many reasons ranging from name to taste to label artwork….

but i digress.

last night i was watering the livestock (so i don’t have to do it in the morning when i am just fucking sleepy & not eager to do extra work) when fidgit & iggy attacked me with water balloons. i was armed with the hose while they launched their attack. i got two water balloons to the head & felt mostly proud that my son had such good aim. soon misha was on the side of her brothers, armed with water balloons…i think she may have been their patsy, while poppy was on my side, taking his turn with the hose when i resorted to chasing them with buckets full of water intended for tomorrow goats. he stood his ground & was my little braveheart with his mad hose skills.

it was crazy fun. a twilight game of war. something that happens when the planets are aligned & everyone is in just the right mood & no one storms off, pissed off, screaming that they hate so & so and vowing that we will all rue the day. instead, we had fun. instead, we were a family.
enough to keep my faith that everything could turn out okay.

i started writing down my random thoughts after last time when i had forgotten them all. these are the thoughts that aren’t quite important enough, coherent enough, “poetic” enough to qualify for an entire art journal page…but thoughts that i long to share nonetheless.

random thoughts:

*i am living by a different set of instincts than the general public. i question the instincts most give in to (consume consume consume) while i honor the ones most people push away in order to follow the mob mentality.

*i’m so sexy when i’m drunk

*having a clean house is grossly over-rated. i kick myself for not house-keeping up with the joneses…but my spiders are so so happy.

*i really don’t have to look for a reason to drink

*note to self: keep poppy away from babies

*i’ve decided that mowing the lawn is also very over-rated

*note to self: keep all knives out of poppy’s reach.

these are random things i write down in my journal as they tromple through my brain. things i would post on facebook or twitter if i were a fan of social media sites rather than having a healthy fear of them. these are things that make me giggle or feel “special.”

thank you for listening.
on to our regularly scheduled navel-gazing art-journaling.

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