i know y’all have been missing my so-called poetry….so here’s one i wrote yesterday (since i have not yet gotten my mojo pages in order….)
i am not going
i am not going
to hit “send”
in a storm
something that my primate brain
but can never
bathing my victim
in my obsessive loneliness
despite his being many miles
how many times
have i written this letter
how many people have looked away
as i exposed myself
pen on paper
fingers on a keyboard
my stupid message
in a stupid bottle
my longing to be heard
to be understood
am i special
to think someone
could love me
that comes so easily
to everyone else
i was squatting in a stream this morning to wash the mud out of misha’s clothes when i thought
“this is my life”
how did i get here?
which twists & turns & choices made
led me to this place
i am both grateful for a place to be
to figure out my next step
about where that next step will take me.
today on my patron page i share two art journal pages & my recent brush with misanthropy & theories with how isolation feeds a dark part of one’s soul.
i’m staring out the window of a bus
a bus parked forever more
in the hills of western wisconsin
clouds, forests, wildflowers, birds, & bugs (so many bugs)
are right outside my window
& all i feel
unable to move forward
because renting requires income
getting a loan requires income
& i am on a bus
with four kids
my ex-husband trying to lure me
back to him
back to life
in an apartment
& each day
i think a little more seriously
to make sure my kids
have a roof over their heads….
i just wish i could look at this amazing view
& feel free
& feel inspired
& feel hopeful
but right now
i have no idea
how to be
how to be
though i am not posting as much as i usually do as i am struggling with depression right now as well as the instability of being homeless–er, between homes, rather….
but i will try to get pen to paper & get some new posts up over there soon.
the best trick
i have ever done
now you see me
i’m still here
submerged in a tank full of every tear
i climbed back out
like a falcon
on the hunt
it sounds like a
i cry to the sound
of my heart
who could ever
by the sound of it.
there is a struggle happening in my heart as i try to find that ever elusive balance between light & dark…hope & despair.
as i contemplate my impending search for a new home for my minions & me & the money involved, i think again, how nice it would be if you would be my patron….
i post almost daily over there & you can read those posts for just a dollar a month.
for five dollars a month, you get all my posts, & i send you a handmade birthday card.
for ten dollars a month, you get all my posts, & i send you two cards annually.
for twenty-five dollars a month, you get to read all my posts, you get two cards, and a commissioned 8X10 inking.
who can i blame
fall on my own
i look at my reflection
not me reflected
in someone else’s
will i hold
or push me
i’m thinking of changing my look. i think i could pull off some faux fur. and maybe martinis might be in order.
i have been sober many days now…it is not pretty.
i am going through some stuff.
what? no? not you!
yes, but different stuff. like my usual stuff is sorted & put away, and now i am on to new stuff.
i feel like i am trying to wriggle out of an old skin…but i am struggling to get that fucker off my back.
lots of anger & snarky behavior…which then causes a spiral of guilt & oh-my-god-i-suckness.
fun fun fun.
i wish i knew how many layers this onion has…how many more levels i have to do before i win.
this is a card i’m sending to my sister for her birthday (shhh)
i pull on my depression
like an off-white
thick & heavy
like an irish fisherman
& i pretend
it looks good on me
though it is getting
a bit ripe
from being worn
i snuggle deep
into my depression
i can stay there
of the daily
me such a
originally posted on august 29, 2018…i really liked this one & thought it might look good with bamboo pen for the invisible exhibitionist…& i do like the way it looks, but i imagined doing it with a small head being enveloped by the sweater…. however, as usual, my head got away from me.
i might try doing another version–as i love this image & verse so much–but i did like this version enough to post it here.
my mood lately, i wish for that sweater…it’s more like uncomfortable underwear mood right now. something isn’t fitting right, but it’s too much trouble to change my clothes…that’s my mood.
maybe i’ll do a page on that.
it was the early nineties when i had the dream.
i had been in therapy for awhile
terrified of the dark &
but one day it lifted and like a light switch
i was happy & no longer afraid–of anything
it was around this time i had the dream
was it before?
was it after?
are the two things related at all?
the dream was disturbing
a crazy-ass dream
where i was a mighty warrior
and other clans would send warriors to fight me
i would mercilessly slaughter them
the other clans would send me young girls
to be with
as a way of collecting
fucked up, right? that’s a fucked up dream for a 21 year old girl in iowa. i have been thinking about it a lot lately. wondering if the dream & my becoming happy & brave, have anything to do with each other. a past life remembering healing a present life hurting.
in the dream, i was represented as a tiger–but i was human. recently, googling like crazy, all i have been able to figure out is that tiger is representative of warriors and the such in china.
so i started reading up on china’s history to see if i can figure out anything about this dream…but i find myself more drawn to the mongols, of course.
i keep looking to so-called professionals & friends, but as usual, no one ever answers my emails. so i guess i’m on my own.
my own master
the answer to my own question.
as well as the very first postcard being sent out to a patron!!
oh! & all of these illustrations remind me that today is the spring equinox
balance between day & night…balance between light & dark…balance between rest & change.
wake up, it’s time to grow