surviving myself

i have a fear of abandonment
you see
like many people do
except
instead of clinging
when i feel forgotten
i alienate
i isolate
i build more & better
walls
higher & thicker
walls
because
you see
if you can’t get in
you can’t hurt me
if i never let you in
you can never
leave
me.

this one is dedicated to the last therapist i fired after he cancelled an appointment with me without telling me why. i was going through a hard time anyway & kinda spun out on him.
at an early age my frankenstein’s monster complex kicked in. “if i cannot inspire love, i will cause fear…”
or just turn invisible as was the case for me.
the more my parents ignored me, the more invisible i became.
my little sister became the squeaky wheel…i became the invisible girl.
my method has literally never worked out for me.
but
i persist. because, for an invisible girl, i am persistent in making myself even more miserable.
now
now i am trying to take some walls down…but even as i do, little setbacks get me to stirring the concrete & setting the bricks anew….

metaphors galore…a good name for a band.

unplug

it seems to me
your
ideologies
& world views
depend on what channel
you are
watching…
it’s time
to open eyes
&
unplug.

another random thought while wandering the covid-paranoid streets of “liberal” madison, wisconsin. one sign even warned me to stay six feet away from so&so’s garden???
what the fuck?
don’t breathe my good oxygen…it’s mine, all mine….
so i thought this–tune in for your next opinion.
it’s all fucking he said/they said. i just want people to start thinking for themselves.
is that even possible?

(sorry if i’m not making sense–bit of a head cold…probably serves me right for refusing to stop living my life)

so not gmo

how many generations
of fucked
uped
ness
is there
in my bloodline?
if i were
livestock
i would have met
with the butcher’s block
to prevent further
tainting
the herd.
is it a crime
against
nature
that i continue this
–yes, handsome, but
what of it’s
psychotic & chaotic
nature–
line of creation?

so…troubles with momming of late. convinced i am the lead monster of a pack of monsters….
sigh.
have i mentioned how much being a single mom just sucks ass?

on another note, i really liked what i did here changing it up by using pink skin tones rather than white space.
it’s an experiment….

fuck

i feel like
there is
nothing
left of me
most of my past
15 years
spent with creatures
who only want
to know
what i can do for
them
what can i give
them
there is no one
it seems
willing to do
for me
willing to give
to me
&
i am a husk
nothing
left.

motherhood…sigh…definitely the hardest job i have ever done. made harder still by my lack of a support system or a nurturing husband-figure. in fact, i was dealt a very needy now ex-husband-figure…. my own fault surely. wanting to feel needed….
but now, i wonder, what about my needs?
crap.

falling to earth

i’m quite a way
away
from my comfort zone
(i cannot
see
my house from here)
major tom to ground control
who
do i think
i am?
my demons have launched
a counter
attack
(they are calling it
a rescue
mission)
to tow me back
to my comfortable
confined
cubby
where nothing happens
so i have nothing
to worry
about.

more anxiety art journaling due to venturing out of my comfort zone. i think these demons might live in many households, whispering, keeping people from doing things they want to do….
i think of that scene from labyrinth where sarah is manipulated by goblins into thinking she is safely back in her room with all her favorite things instead of rescuing her baby brother.
that’s totally what it feels like.

the shaman

the first song of the day
my oracle
of the mix
“kiss off” by the femmes
i need someone
a person to talk to
someone who’d care
to love
could it be you?

followed by the kinks
“tired of waiting”
i meditate
on my absent soul mate
& draw a tarot card
the shaman…
& i say, “oh crap…this can’t be good.”
nope.
a time of isolation
of finding
thyself
no time for looking
outside
when i have
so much
work
to do
inside…
crap.

the next day, my oracle song was the femmes again…”add it up.” why why can’t i get just one fuck?
the universe wants me to keep it in my pants it seems–though i obviously have other desires.
of course the universe is right because i am way too easily distracted by even just potential–even just a hint–of a relationship.
today i got the kinks again.
“everybody’s gonna be happy.”
promises promises…
but i keep doing my work. getting stronger every day.

(i do have a lot more songs on my mix than just the femmes & the kinks…it’s just they keep turning up in the first song i play.)

big love

i’m willing
to love big
to love strong
i’m able
to love big
to love strong
i want to
love big
love strong
i need to
love big
love strong….
so what happens
when you push
that love away
refuse to love me
back
big & strong
what happens
to that love
what happens
to me?

i swear i have a big heart. i want to dote on someone & help them feel special. but how can i when i am treated poorly? then he thinks i’m some cold hearted bitch because i pull away. he thinks i reject him…but if i hadn’t of felt rejected, i would have been amazing.

why so bitter

i find myself
wondering
what i did
that i do not
deserve
happiness
what did i do
that i don’t
get to taste
sweetness
what is it
about me
that screams
“so very not
special”?

with the crashing & burning of yet another attempt to reconcile with dusty…i find myself in this mindset.
why do i allow men/relationships to take me for granted? why don’t i get flowers & fawning?
what is it about me….
this has been something that is deep in the bones of me. do i expect to be treated this way? is that why it is so difficult for me to demand more?

sour

at least i have my art journal….
feeling that desperate pull of loneliness as i miss being able to reach out to dusty.
he’s still there, of course, pretending nothing happened
but it did happen
he did break my heart again
i have to remind myself…
it’s not safe to pretend nothing happened.

gesundheit

i am in a terrible funk.
i feel like, in the words of richard marx, i should have known better.
why do i always hope this time is different?
am i just that desperate?
also i find myself wondering,
why does the patriarch spit out such a soul-crushing mentality in men?

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