uncross my heart

i remove the conflict
i uncross
my heart
i life my arms
into the air
waiting
for that inevitable
embrace
that never comes
& the sun
sets
the moon moves
across the sky
in her dance with the
stars
& all i can feel is
lost.

i wrote this page in response to my tarot cards that keep having the idea of relationships & men as a conflict to who i am. i thought i could remove the conflict…but i could not.
so!
i am calling off the hunt. fuck it. i’m okay alone. right?
i am so totally okay alone.
i have so much crap to sort out. i mean, am i even over my exes? why can thoughts of them still break my heart? do i really need to pile anything on to that crap pile?
also. who do i even want in my life? when i imagine someone to grow old(er) with, who is it i really want? why does that change from day to day, moment to moment?
and should i even be trusted to pick someone? or let someone pick me? i do not have a good track record.
so maybe i am not ready. maybe it’s all a pipe dream.

i can always fall in love in my next life.

(funny story. while i was inking this, iggy came in to tell on poppy for flipping him the bird…looked at my inking & was like, “nice, mom!”)

song sung blue

getting drunk
& singing along
with neil diamond
at the top
of my lungs
& crying
with all the grief
of my
lonely
heart
who knew i had
tied up
so
much
pain
into song lyrics
a lifetime
of singing along
with neil diamond songs
leaves my
lonely heart raw.

first off–my scanner is broken? so i had to use my ipad to snap a version of this art journal page for y’all. i am trying all my tried & true methods–pleading with it…smacking it…but it is unresponsive. time to re-think my approach to cooperation with technology?

also, i have learned through astrology memes that it is not at all uncommon for cancers to sing along with sad songs when they are sad.
turns out i’m not that special after all.


scared silly

yeah i’m scared
i’m totally terrified
but
does that mean
i want to hide away
for the rest
of my
life
or!
do i want to
take a chance
& risk
another
broken
heart?

more thoughts on dating & relationships & venturing out from behind my walls…my glorious walls….

drawbridge up

my drawbridge
has a hair trigger
i slowly lower it
in a moment of optimism
but
set one foot on it
just one little toe
&
pow!
the fear
the intense fear
of letting myself
be
vulnerable
sends the sucker
sky high
& rockets any chance
of a relationship
all the way
to the
moon.

here it is. here is my unbridled optimism about relationships coming to an unceremonious end.
i was totally slow stalking this dude…& then he waved at me.
and then he tried to talk to me.
well, fuck. i wasn’t ready for that….
i’m not exaggerating when i call myself feral or socially retarded. and then figure in almost two decades with my mind-fucking ex-husband….
i’m going to retreat to my hidey hole for a little while.

these walls were made for breaking

i have had a block
against relationships
for as long
as i can
remember
it never stopped me
from loving
or being
in a relationship
but did
help me to leave easily
to disconnect easily
when i found myself
compromised
conflicted
abused
now i am figuring out
how to save
myself
maybe now
i can let go
of that part of me
& be stronger
for it?

my text of the written verse is altered to show some hesitation & less confidence about my moving forward with breaking these fucking walls down.
& the illustration shows some of the angst i have been feeling lately.
so much angst.
so much.

autumn madonna

i think more people
will benefit
from my brilliant smile
than will
from said smile
being covered.

i think a lot…i think a lot about how we, as primates, are possibly doing damage by not seeing faces of friends & strangers. a lot is communicated through the face. i have been binge watching lie to me, a show about how much is communicated through expression. and my being an adult child of an abusive household–i learned to read faces rather than listen to words. so how the fuck is all of this affecting us, really?
something to think (lay awake at night & obsess) about….
what is it they used to say about how you need so many positive experiences to negate those negative ones? how can i make your day better after all the stress, if you won’t let me show you my smile???
crap.

on dreams, demons, & being haunted

in the dream
it was a lonely house
on a hill
shrouded in darkness
foreboding
terrifying
until i was forced to enter
to save us all
from a greater
danger…
the house was
beautiful
on the inside
…but haunted…
a specter
rose up
threateningly
behind my companion
i wrestled it to the ground
only to realize
it was just
a child
“tell me why
you have so much
anger?”
i asked the child
&
the pain
was
released.

so this is a dream i had. it was pretty profound & felt really meaningful. i laid in bed pondering it. what do i do with this?
am i supposed to help other people exorcise their demons? or is it just another pat on the back from the universe for doing all the work to wrestle my own?
of course, i am still wrestling my demons.
case in point, my inking today is heavily borrowed from the artist david mack because i am going through a thing where i think my own work sucks & what is the point?
today, while on a walk, i started asking my frowning face–“why so stressed? what is there really to be stressed about?” and for a moment i let myself smile again.
but i can find reasons to be sad & even woke up this morning to a dream of my telling someone that sometimes i just don’t have a smile inside me….

so, yeah, still wrestling some demons….

surviving myself

i have a fear of abandonment
you see
like many people do
except
instead of clinging
when i feel forgotten
i alienate
i isolate
i build more & better
walls
higher & thicker
walls
because
you see
if you can’t get in
you can’t hurt me
if i never let you in
you can never
leave
me.

this one is dedicated to the last therapist i fired after he cancelled an appointment with me without telling me why. i was going through a hard time anyway & kinda spun out on him.
at an early age my frankenstein’s monster complex kicked in. “if i cannot inspire love, i will cause fear…”
or just turn invisible as was the case for me.
the more my parents ignored me, the more invisible i became.
my little sister became the squeaky wheel…i became the invisible girl.
my method has literally never worked out for me.
but
i persist. because, for an invisible girl, i am persistent in making myself even more miserable.
now
now i am trying to take some walls down…but even as i do, little setbacks get me to stirring the concrete & setting the bricks anew….

metaphors galore…a good name for a band.

unplug

it seems to me
your
ideologies
& world views
depend on what channel
you are
watching…
it’s time
to open eyes
&
unplug.

another random thought while wandering the covid-paranoid streets of “liberal” madison, wisconsin. one sign even warned me to stay six feet away from so&so’s garden???
what the fuck?
don’t breathe my good oxygen…it’s mine, all mine….
so i thought this–tune in for your next opinion.
it’s all fucking he said/they said. i just want people to start thinking for themselves.
is that even possible?

(sorry if i’m not making sense–bit of a head cold…probably serves me right for refusing to stop living my life)

so not gmo

how many generations
of fucked
uped
ness
is there
in my bloodline?
if i were
livestock
i would have met
with the butcher’s block
to prevent further
tainting
the herd.
is it a crime
against
nature
that i continue this
–yes, handsome, but
what of it’s
psychotic & chaotic
nature–
line of creation?

so…troubles with momming of late. convinced i am the lead monster of a pack of monsters….
sigh.
have i mentioned how much being a single mom just sucks ass?

on another note, i really liked what i did here changing it up by using pink skin tones rather than white space.
it’s an experiment….

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