cable knit angel

if i just bring one person
joy
it is worth it
if i just bring one person
peace
i am worth it
if i comfort one lonely soul
soothe one rabid mind
if i inspire
or ignite an epiphany
surely i have purpose.

here is my response to that voice that likes to ask me, “what the fuck do you think you are doing? drawing? writing? jesus, get a real job.”

i can do anything

if i can be a good mother
despite an abusive childhood
if i can find peace
amidst the chaos
if i can be happy
when it seems the world would prefer me
miserable
if i can learn to love myself
in this lumpy bumpy body
if i can let other love me
accept me
celebrate me even
despite my lifelong identification as a
pariah
then i can do
anything.

more of the epiphany as it unfolded for me while i lay face down on a chiropractor table. this idea amazes me. that i could do all the work i need to do even when i feel overwhelmed & outnumbered. that feeling overwhelmed & outnumbered could actually work towards my learning how not to feel overwhelmed & outnumbered.
wouldn’t that be fucking awesome?
i am feeling pretty fucking zen right now, y’all.

against the odds

when i was a kid
i couldn’t say my “s” sound
without sticking out my tongue
i was put into speech therapy
to remedy my lisp
& i remember clearly how proud
i was of myself
for not only learning to keep my tongue in my mouth
but also learning to do it while missing
my two front teeth
maybe even then
the universe was trying to teach me
something learned despite a setback, a handicap
something learned the hard way
is so much more
valuable.

here is my big epiphany of the week. i go to a chiropractor/energy worker almost once a week. in addition to having a much more aligned body, i have an epiphany almost every time i am lying there on the table. i totally recommend a good body worker for getting things moving.
this epiphany, this is a big one.

horse of a different color

i’m okay
written in the window of a haunted house
i’m okay
on a chalkboard during a zombie apocalypse
the boat sank; i’m okay
the train crashed; i’m okay
the volcano erupted; i’m okay
from rooftop to rooftop
from treetop to mountaintop
i’m okay
whether you are asking or not
i’m okay.

that’s a switch, right? i’m admitting that i am okay. and i have some warrior chick riding a panda. i want to start moving back towards comics. i think that’s where this image came from. when i go to illustrate a page, i empty my mind & wait. if nothing appears, i just start inking. however, many times, with enough meditation, i find the image i want–in this case–lady panda warrior.

(first page of a new journal)

brain on fire

there are some days
when it is all i can do
to make it through
the day
brain on fire
skin as a prison
just make it through
the day.

i’m betting i’m not alone with this feeling. especially these days. but we do make it through. together. i’m here for you.

mother me

defeated by the creatures who sprung from me
paralyzed by four energies
crafted from my own
left incomplete by my creations
who only seem to be happy
when i am miserable.

ack! motherhood is so not easy. that’s a fucking understatement. i keep hoping i will figure it out & things will magically get easier, but i am starting to think the trick is to realize it is a fucking nightmare & still manage to find the joy.

holding space

i watched
as i could do nothing
except offer her a safe space
to fall apart
to hide from herself
& the world
i watched
& i realized
how far i had come
how far i had carried myself
& i wished
it was possible
to do the same
for her.

i was trying to illustrate how i am feeling. i am not sure it was successful. i wanted so much to help my sister in her mental break, but i’m not sure i did anything more than watch her tread water, barely keeping her head above….

not so much

most days
these days
i want to kill myself
except
i don’t want to die
so i guess
there’s that.

more of that clawing my way out of my own life feeling. i am overwhelmed & frustrated & wanting to feel better but every time i see a glimpse of light, it gets stomped the fuck out. so then i just start fantasizing about horrible things to do to myself…but i don’t really want to do them…so why does the fantasy help me feel better?

words of wisdom

bathe in the enlightenment
that is me
1.) don’t give a fuck
2.) burn it all down
3.) take the money & run

yes. this was my trying to help my sister be as wise as i am. okay, look at it again. look at it with the eyes of someone who has been destroyed by emotional abuse. hey. it gets me through, this attitude of mine, it keeps me alive…and right now i’m just trying to help her stay alive.

clawing my way out

i feel like screaming
& scratching
& clawing my way out
of my life right now.

right now being the key words. i know things will settle down for me again. i know they will. and that is a huge step. my sister is going through a dark hell right now & is unable to have faith that it will pass.
it makes me sad, but it also makes me realize how far i have come & what intense work i have done to get to the point that i know i will be able to work my way back out when i am feeling only darkness & heaviness.

i hope my sister can find that faith within herself.

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