the door out of the darkness

emerge from the dark
go through that open door
fly higher
urges the hawk

yesterday i was talking to a friend about the invisible exhibitionist
telling the story once more about how i first became invisible
i was the fourth of six children; i was the third of four daughters.
i was a quiet child.
once i asked my mother why my younger sister got whatever she wanted. “the squeaky wheel gets the grease,” my mom answered.
rightfully so–this pissed me off. it made me more determined not to be a squeaky wheel but to earn reward by my own merit & my own hard work. to be noticed for being remarkable…not for being loud & obnoxious.
so i waited quietly for said reward.
sigh.
i have stayed invisible all my life out of spite…and no one has noticed.
now i find myself unwilling to promote myself for the same (misguided?) reason.
i don’t want to get noticed just for being the fucking squeaky wheel. i want to be noticed for being amazing….

additionally!
my latest meditation revealed that not only am i afraid to be noticed. but also i have purposely hidden myself for fear that if i am somehow noticed, i will be deemed unworthy of attention. i am more comfortable in the dark than i am in the light.

i knew this on some level already, but now i feel it is time to drag that belief out and really work it over.

my energy worker told me i am all twisted up right now.
maybe it is time for me to twirl myself out into the light.

mass withdrawl

you know how most kids act out
for attention
not me
i withdrew
the less attention i got
the more i withdrew
the more i withdrew
the less attention i got
until i had dug myself a nice little hole
& stayed there
even when i did get attention
i dug the hole a little deeper
because now that attention
terrified me
& all i could do
was hide from it.

here is more on what is happening for me in a more general way…why i am struggling…why i can’t seem to get my shit together. i am comfortable with being invisible…but now i am letting myself be more & more visible. and that is wreaking havoc with a number of my personalities.

sometimes i just feel extra invisible…

ack.
social media sucks ass.
i mean
at least
for us super sensitive
extra damaged
introverts
sometimes i hate
facebook
so so so much
stupid tool
i feel like a stupid tool
extra invisible
everyone hates me
why do i do this
stupid
tool.

inktober3(3)

this is the third inking i have done today.
i am about to post it on facebook. in that stupid group i am in. and it will get zero “likes” as have the other two today.
inktober3(2)

c’mon.
my art doesn’t suck that bad.
why can’t i get a “like”….

and why do i care?

fuck a duck

i am ready to just quit facebook. a fucking social media site should not be able to cause me this kind of torment.
it’s stupid.
i know it’s stupid.
yet i am tormented.

IMG_0023

i am going to keep doing inktober.
i am going to keep doing art.
i am going to keep practicing my ink brush painting (right now i am opening the book the photo ark to a random page and painting it.)

and! and–i am going to get back to my comics. my moses jones and all the others.

it’s been too long.

so fuck you, facebook. even if you hate my art. i love my art.

i love being an artist.

a nice fucking neurotic artist.

turkey trot

i’m feeling pretty defeated today.
i started out, this full moon, all hopeful & happy.
then i crashed.
i am angry. annoyed. short-tempered. self-sabotaging.
i am defeated.
i just want to give up. get rid of my dogs, sheep, & chickens. get rid of all the things that hold me in place. and float away. take my minions & hit the road. float through the universe.
i feel like my failure was complete before i even left my childhood.
i feel like i am an asshole.
always an asshole.
forever & ever after.
i feel like it is all pointless.

i suspect this is temporary. that i will feel better…maybe when the moon starts to wane?

god, i want a beer.
but i am so broke, i cannot afford beer.
so of course it is the one thing that i latch onto as a cure-all.
though it really wouldn’t be.
but, boy, could i go for a beer.

so i drew this.
i like it.
i liked my koala bears a lot. my yesterday drawing. but no one here did. and barely anyone on facebook. and twitter is just a vacuum i scream into.
i’m feeling pretty defeated.
no one loves me.
no one loves my art.
i am alone.
so i checked out of facebook. cancelled my twitter account. i am still here…but rapidly losing hope.
no one loves me.
and when i feel isolated, i hide.
and when i’m feeling invisible, i make sure i am.
it’s one of those days.
hopeless
loveless
defeated.

usually after i post here. i also post on my fb page for my blog. then on my own fb page. then on twitter.
tonight, this is my only posting of this picture.
god, i feel ridiculous.
why would anyone even want to do this?

if you do like my drawing, throw me a goddamned bone.
i’m drowning in self-pity here.
& misery.

i just ordered all the minions to bed because i am irritable and do not understand why i can’t have the space to work on art without being bumped and annoyed by the minions. so i snapped & sent them to bed. iggy screamed, “i hate you.” and i wanted to scream back, “that’s okay. i hate me too.”

oh…here’s the ink stain–though it’s a cut off shot of it. sorry. i suck today.
tomorrow….
let’s just see about tomorrow.

inkstains-4

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