it’s susan i’m choosin’

i have been in the blahs
trying to figure it all out
has me worn
out
plus i think i just broke my baby toe…
why is the universe
so set
on hobbling me?
or is it my own wish
to keep
my own mortality
so close in mind?
whatever is going on
it sucks
i just want to fucking walk

just walk….

the day after i realized i have almost no limp left from my broken knee, i kicked a wooden box of blocks as i walked through the playroom on my way to the bathroom at 5am one morning.
fuck me running
or rather
fuck me sitting because i can’t run anymore…will i ever run again? is this what getting old(er) feels like? losing what we once took for granted?
sigh.
it was actually the second injury to that poor baby toe. last week i kicked a stack of wooden boards while in my kitchen (random stacks of wooden boards are hopefully a temporary decorating habit of mine & will one day be used to build things, but until then, they remain tripping hazards….)
i thought i had broken it then…but a few days later it felt fine. so then i kicked something else with it & now it is black & blue & refusing to bend.
crap.
crap crap crap.
yet still i try to negotiate treaties with my monsters & build bridges with my demons…just not very enthusiastically right now.

the drawing up top is another play around with oil pastels & inks. maybe if i can get oil pastels & inks on the same page, i can unite the powers that are inside of me & bring an end to the civil war within?
the title is a reference from a movie i watched a lot as a kid, finian’s rainbow.

have a fuck

do you ever wonder
what it’s like to be
lovable
to feel
desired
do you ever wonder
if someone will maybe
someday
look at you
like that
or are you trapped
forever
some bitch
who just
doesn’t
give a fuck
anyway.

i watched brief interviews with hideous men, and it left me very conflicted. i am a lifelong feminist even though i didn’t even know what a feminist was until i was twenty-two. i have had a history of disastrous relationships and am admittedly a very dominant female.
i wonder. should women be soft & vulnerable so men can feel important? and then i’m all like, fuck that…. but part of me kinda yearns for a protector & bread winner. & then i get mad at myself…& then i say, but why not? why can’t i be a romantic & a bad ass?
and, of course, still be a feminist… i mean, anyone can be a feminist if you believe women are just as important as men. no matter if you are a stay-at-home or a conquer-the-world (or both in my case…ha!)
i don’t know.
just wondering stuff. out loud. here.

find me

bits of my soul
fly into the trees
cawing
from branches
looking for you
i want to love you
with every ounce
of me
but first
i need to
meet
you…
the moon gazes down
at the world
we share
& i wonder
when
i will let you
find me.

more relationship wandering…wondering.
i have pulled tarot cards on my two decks. the me card crossed by my conflict card.
me: the high priestess
crossed by: the lovers
me: temperance
crossed by: king of pentacles
and i understand, that for me, relationships are a conflict. but am i creating that conflict or should i beware of the conflict? am i conflicting myself from being in a relationship…or is the relationship the conflict?
i keep confusing myself on this.
meditating for clarity tells me i am my own conflict…which is still confusing me.

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