neurotic or instinct

am i following my dreams
or sabotaging myself….
is it intuition
or an anxiety attack
is this what i want
or am i just
living my life
out of spite.

i am in the process of buying a brick two story built in 1900. this house was in a devastating flood in 2018 when a dam broke here in the driftless region of wisconsin. consequently, the heating system, the electrical, & the water heater were wiped out. additionally, there was a lot of damage done to the first floor. walls & cabinets were damaged and removed leaving a blank slate for me to create from.
i kinda jumped on the house without much second thought due to the fact that i could buy it for the money i inherited when my folks died. i wanted to find an investment for the money before it was nickeled & dimed away. in no other scenario could i have a brick two story house. banks don’t want to loan me money because of my lack of income…but i can slowly work on the house and bring it back to life as i can afford to while also living there with no mortgage to pay.
but this whole happening has me suffering from panic attack after panic attack as i get unsolicited advice from way too many people…one being an older sister who is doom & glooming me into believing the house is going to fall down on top of me.
i had it inspected, & i trusted the inspection. i have instincts telling me it is a good move. i have friends who totally think it is a good move, including one who works in building salvage.
do i trust me?
do i trust me?
i have been turning everything over in my head. over & over & over.
no, most people would not choose to do this…but i am excited & want to learn about solar as well as wood-burning resources as well as cabinet building. i want to be unconventional & low-impact & turn this house into something awesome. i live in an area of the country ripe with amish craftsmen, artists, and do-it-yourselfers. i think i am in good company & am ready to make new friends….
yet still terror sneaks in…& then i have to talk myself down again.
but i am able to talk myself down.
remember that summer i lived on a bus with no running water for three months? i can totally do this, right?
(or am i setting myself up for disaster???)

rabid bunny

i am compassion
fatigued
i am pissed off
i am tired
of putting
other people’s feelings
first
like a spark
to a cloud
of gas
my anger
flares
& i go from
gentle
bunny
to gnashing teeth
&
terrible
claws.

i lost it on a librarian the other day. i sincerely believe (through common sense, instinct, & research) that wearing a mask is bad for my health…bad for my children’s health…bad for everyone who does not have a compromised immune system. the environment of microbes around us are meant to be breathed in & out–not our own carbon dioxide….
i could go on, but i won’t because if you don’t already agree with me, i’m probably not going to convince you.

i live in a small town in a rural area of wisconsin–but the town is teeming with the liberal attitude of mask up & don’t ask questions.
i ask questions.

& when a librarian, 20 feet away, in an empty room, tells me to mask up as i pop in to grab my library holds, i get pissy.
i’m tired of trying to make these people feel safe (because it is just an illusion–they aren’t any more safe for their covered faces–not really) while doing something to my own body that i know is not good for it. not being able to breathe is just not good for my body. not getting my dose of microbes is not good for me….

so why do they believe their health more important than mine?

ps…happy new year!! suck it, 2020!

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