i am in the midst of an artist’s block… my pen won’t cooperate my hand ignores everything i tell it my muses have all gone missing….
i have been trying to do art journal pages, but i have ended up ripping out pages, ripping up pages, re-doing the same picture over & over & over…. something is amiss. but i am working on it. & i am not giving up.
the above is a birthday postcard being sent to a friend… below are a couple of sneak peeks of art journal pages over on my patreon page…i have been relying heavily on edward gorey to help me through my block…interestingly enough, i drew two different self-portraits with my arms thrown up in the air….
so i got up this morning as usual way earlier than i would want to to feed & water the critters and also the livestock as i drank a cup of coffee i read the works of other writers and one story i read started an itch in my brain i was both envious & inspired but the idea did not leap from my skull fully formed until i was in the shower where it sprung along side ideas for a journal page & plans to finally finish my patreon page it sprung the first chapter of my novel form of fallen. (duhn duhn duhhhhhhhhhhnn)
so, yeah. i really need to shower more often. also, i will update you on the patreon page.
image is a throwback thursday done in ink & pastels
as i drink my tea forsaking the coffee (which taunts me yumminess paired with addiction & achy kidneys) i eat my toast with jam and referee squabbles while considering my own scribbles an itch at the back of my mind something undiscovered something untapped i can feel something wonderful if i can just get my pen & brain to work as one.
i was watching flowers on netflix, a delightfully dark british sitcom. the patriarch of the family flowers writes dark children’s books about trolls. the illustrations immediately drew me in. so i started doodling some trolls of my own to see if i could. today i found this other doodle on the brown paper that i use in between sheets of my journal to keep the ink from leaking onto blank pages. i doodle on it sometimes, but hadn’t looked at it in awhile. i found this drawing appealing in the same way as the troll illustrations. however, i am not sure where to go with either one of them. so i guess i will just keep messing around until i figure it out.
meanwhile, i have become misha’s artist on demand for coloring pages. she had me do two more this morning and has requested a mom & dad dragon with baby dragons after i do a picture of myself & her dad riding a swan. i asked if the swan could be flying while i am pushing her dad off of the swan, and she began pretend crying & ran from the room. sigh. the things i do for my minions (i don’t want to be near that motherfucker even in illustration. i can barely look at the illustration for “absolution” from a few days back. ack! but now i have to ride a goddamn swan with him….)
ps. unlike her brothers, misha is not colorblind. just to be sure, i asked her about her colored page, “what color is the grass?” she replied, “orange.” & i said, “awesome.” my girl.
when last we left off with our hero, she was slaying zombies in the forest while foraging for supplies….
actually, i started a new episode after this called “the return of dusty.” but it puttered out.
i have been trying to get it re-started…but i really don’t think i want dusty in my story anymore. i think it is time to write dusty out of the script.
which i did, last night. i have yet to draw it though.
meanwhile, the real dusty is threatening to come visit. i am torn. while i wish i lived in a world where i never had to see him or his hell-spawn of a mother again…i also hate the idea of my minions going away to wisconsin again to spend a week with him & his hell-spawn of a mother again.
it is one of those things i have severe anxiety/control issues about. i mean i became a stay-at-home mom when i realized i could not leave my child at home. instead i was taking baby fidgit with me when i went out to pick up stray animals. he was sitting in on dog evaluations with me at the humane society where i was employed when he was born.
realizing i could not leave him, i quit my job.
i know i cannot control their lives. it just seems dumb to let him take them to wisconsin when he doesn’t even know what the fuck he is doing with his life.
he is taking my minions to live in his limbo.
it just seems dumb.
so my choices are to let them go…or deal with dusty in my space.
fuck a duck.
so i am currently trying to figure out which hurts less….
in other news. i am having a crisis of faith with my art.
i guess that’s not really news….
today i tried to read a comic book & found i could not. comic books seem dumb to me now. maybe not all of them, but definitely the mainstream ones.
i tried to post my page that i made yesterday (archangel carl) on a facebook group called “women creating comics” along with my lament about my crisis of faith…but as soon as someone started suggesting things i could do to make my art more “acceptable” to the comic world, i deleted my post & almost quit the group.
what would van gogh do?
hmmmm.
oh! i almost forgot! (thank goodness for blog titles)
so we recently entered year of the dog. i was born in the year of the dog. i looked back, and other than my 12th year, i could remember having a life changing event in every year of the dog since my birth. maybe there was one when i was 12 too–i just can’t remember for sure. in retrospect, every decision i made in my years of the dog were the wrong ones.
so this year
this year
i am determined to get it right.
to be true to myself and to stay true to my path.
whatever it may be.
so with the first full moon of this lunar year…i am struggling to find the path that i have determined i should stick to….
wish me luck.
it’s like when you wear your hair different to go to that party, and everyone raves about how great your hair looks. so you wear it like that for the next three months. and then everyone gets really bored with your hair. especially you.
so you shave your head…no, sorry, that’s me.
so you change your hair…but how? just slightly? a color tint? some layering?
that’s how i feel about my art right now.
do y’all want me to keep doing ink blots? or should i go back, do some comics? in which case–mojo? bluejean? a new comic?
or should i try to do something new with some of the ink blot ideas?
should i keep being versy-versy with my blog?
or would you rather i start writing out complete thoughts with some serious prose? tell some stories?
i’ve got stories….
so i’m at a cross-roads, creatively. if y’all want to speak up and cast a vote, i would love some input. of course, i am going to go where i want to go…but i still like to hear what y’all are thinking. just knowing you are there is encouraging.
Quixotic Mama 