it’s always inktober in my heart

in 2016 i did inktober for the first time…
after thirty-one days of inking
daily
i could not stop
i did not want to stop
and six years later
i am still inking
almost every day
it has saved my life
it has made me a better person
it has helped me grow & heal
so
thank you inktober
you’re my hero.

i do not really participate anymore mostly because i only realize it is inktober several days into october. however, generally i have inked every day without realizing. mostly because i ink every day of the other eleven months of the year as well. when i don’t do art, i can tell, i start to go a little (more) crazy.

last night i had a total meltdown. like sinking lower than i have sank in awhile. terrible monster mom meltdown.
so what did i do? i inked it out…and i felt better…i started the healing process.
i will probably share that inking with y’all considering one of the reasons i share at all is because i want the ugly to not fester in a dark place but to come into the light…however i need a little time to process.

in the meantime, i wish you all a happy inktober.

the above doodle might look like watercolor–but it is totally ink 🙂

it’s still INKtober!

i checked out some books on sumi-e, japanese ink brush technique, as i have all the tools & may even have the talent. and! i have so many empty canvases i have been lugging around. of course, now that madness manor & i have found each other, i hopefully will not be moving again in the foreseeable future.
but i still need to do something with all those empty canvases. one is like 5 feet by 4 feet…or something ridiculous like that. i have it in the back of my head to do something epic with it. i think combining sumi-e with my own style might just be the trick. so i am practicing my sumi-e. above is “second experiment” and below is “first experiment” (per the instruction book but with some artistic license taken by me.)

thoughts on INKtober

five years ago
already an ink artist
i participated in my first INKtober
and when october ended
i just kept on inking
i’m still inking
even though i forgot to participate this year
with so much life getting in the way
nevertheless
every day
for me
is INKtober

here are some inkings i am working on. i will post them over at my etsy site, but you can always buy them straight from me via this website & paypal or by mailing me a check.
happy INKtober!

pretty picture

pretty picture
they say
how much?
i tell them
& they walk away
&
i spin
am i asking
too much?
sure
ink is cheap
paper too
but
i put so much of myself
in every
inking
years & years
of trying
of failing
of hurting
of growing
of figuring shit out
pretty lady
they say
what are you worth?
any price
i put on me
is going to be
too much
just
walk away.

i have now a diminished idea of what my inkings are worth. so if you want some, now would be the time to buy!
conversely, i now have the highest self-esteem i have ever had since childhood. did i have self-esteem in childhood? i can’t remember for sure. i mean, sometimes i can’t tell the difference between self-esteem & just not giving a fuck.

last day of inktober.

tomorrow starts nanowrime & my first year ever doing it.

miserable creature

was there ever
joy
in my life
have i always been this
miserable creature
i see
in the mirror
was my heart ever
a light place
or
was this darkness
just born to me?

so on top of a head cold, two of my sons had birthdays this past week. my seven year old was a difficult one. the pregnancy was physically easy, but emotionally a trainwreck.
dusty found a shiny new girlfriend while i was pregnant for poppy. that went on throughout the pregnancy, birth, & first two years of poppy’s life.
so, unfortunately, a day where i should feel happiness turns me into a puddle of misery as i remember how awful i felt for those years.

a bit of green

they erupt after you have give up hope
just staring out
at the grey slush…
&
wait!
there is something green!
the greys, browns, & white
have dominated for so so long
ever since the twinkle lights were so
unceremoniously
packed away
& you were beginning to think
life was a colorless
thing
mostly colorless
(no offense to the greys, browns, & white)
but, c’mon
for being the shortest calendar month
february can go on for a really
really
fucking long time
so
whether a squirrel moved it there
or it’s a forgotten hopeful thing you planted
green is now inching its way
out of the mushy brown
&
wait!
doesn’t that kind of describe
you
the way you
feel
as well?

it’s out of season, but this was a writing prompt given in the little group i am trying to get started.

unplug

it seems to me
your
ideologies
& world views
depend on what channel
you are
watching…
it’s time
to open eyes
&
unplug.

another random thought while wandering the covid-paranoid streets of “liberal” madison, wisconsin. one sign even warned me to stay six feet away from so&so’s garden???
what the fuck?
don’t breathe my good oxygen…it’s mine, all mine….
so i thought this–tune in for your next opinion.
it’s all fucking he said/they said. i just want people to start thinking for themselves.
is that even possible?

(sorry if i’m not making sense–bit of a head cold…probably serves me right for refusing to stop living my life)

always darkest

is it dawn yet?
or is the world
on fire?

yay! more inspiring posts from me. i am just a ball of agitation these days. everything makes me want to scream.
i hope y’all are doing better than i am….

wrong puzzle box

i am a puzzle piece
in the wrong
box
i am the squarest
of square pegs
searching
for where i fit
a puzzle
box
where i belong
i am not willing
to change
my shape
change who i am
force myself
into a space
that does not
honor me…
so…
where does that
leave me?
forever lost?
forever
alone….

ack! i like the idea of this post…but the inking kinda got away from me. wet page & black ink & my lady looks a bit like a munster
but
then again
i feel a bit like a munster
so maybe it works.
i was at the creator’s group i am creating last night. four people who were exploring writing as a retirement activity, re-discovering their inner writers showed up for my group…. & i totally felt like a fraud. at one point i even confessed that i did not feel like i belonged in the very group i started.
ack
to be me…or not to be me?
(that is the question)

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