inktober fourth

so i was totally going to work on moses jones and got out my sketchbook for working on her and found an inkstain inside it…and i just couldn’t walk away from an inkstain once i start seeing faces.
you know how it is.

before that i did this ink brush practice picture:

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and after i did the inkstain one, i had extra ink left over, so of course i had to do one more ink brush exercise:

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and finian also did another one for today:

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which of course is fantabulous…
even though i am secretly jealous because he gets much better facebook response than i do. his one inking will earn more likes than all three of mine together.
ah well.
such is the story for the mother of genius children….

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new moon, new season, new beginnings

after these three pictures are done
there will just be five more pictures left
which is very exciting to me
i am a little over my deadline–
the autumn equinox (tomorrow)–
but i think my work is good?
ish.
i mean, i sometimes hate it…but oftentimes i feel
empowered
yes
empowered by it.
witchy woo and goddesses
and my minions now look at the bunny and say,
“the moon!”

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i closed down my facebook page, my personal one, that i started when i abandoned ship on my original facebook page.
but then i went back, and started it up again–as a back up plan.
then, this week, with depression deep in my socks, i hated everyone for not just fucking taking a minute to “like” the self-portrait you can find in my previous post (and “like” it for fuck’s sakes. it’s cool)
so i shut down the facebook page where i had lots of friends (well, not “lots,” but more than i have on my other facebook page…if you are still following this rant) because i felt neglected.
and i am now on the facebook page from when i first went on facebook…just months before my brother died. the facebook page where i unfriended all of my right-wing friends & relatives before abandoning said ship.

new beginnings.

let’s try this again….

pages four, five, & six

so much ink. i’m not sure if i should re-do this one or go with it. i am playing around a lot with intentional ink stains. i am no van gogh however.

i’m still undecided on some of my results.
some i feel really strongly about…others, i’m not so sure.
i could point out all of the things that bug me…but i’m not going to. i’m working on managing my anxiety, and i think this somehow falls into it.

so here are some pages.

done-ish.

spring garden

my spring garden
my spring garden keeps me from getting any art done
i am so tired by the end of every day
it feels like i never sit still
i go to do one thing,
and i do three other things on my way
because
well
they have to be done.

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so my inkings are few & far between as i am overwhelmed with garden, livestock, a yard to tend, a house to keep clean-ish, four kids to feed & care for….
spring is a busy time.

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now i have to focus all my art on finishing a project
i agreed to illustrate
i am excited about it. yet my sketchbook eludes me.
i think about working on it all the time
but i need to sit & actually put pen to paper.
i need to be sketching the characters ever day
to get familiar with their faces…

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i also need to learn to cultivate mushrooms, grow herbs for health, become more confidant about checking my bee hives, build a bigger house for my ever expanding poultry, and learn more about goats (i’m getting goats next!)

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homesteading
alone
with four kids
is just non-stop

chaos

good chaos
bad chaos
& all the chaos
inbetween
my muse
& my unamused

what keeps me busy, inspires me. what inspires me, keeps me busy.

on the bullfrog song homestead with me:
7 sheep
8 hens
8 pullets
2 chicks
7 muscovy ducksings
7 turklings
1 gosling
2 toads
1 tarantula
1 cat
1 dog
2 beehives
4 minions
and one ex-husband.

i welcome most of these things. okay, all but the ex-husband. i have realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that i do not want to live with him.

whether he’s good or bad, i do not want to live with him.
i want to get on with my life.
and he is not my future.
i do not love him.

the far beyond

days & days
of staring at an inkstain
drawing a line here
& there
squinting to see the shapes
in shadows & smudges & splatters
meanwhile,
putting up beehives
raising chicks
building pasture
planting seeds
& trees
& flowers…
eleven days into april
just one inking,
but so much work

i’m exhausted. but i finally finally finished this. there were several times when i thought i was done…but then the light would hit it just right & i would see another face…another creature…more magic.

i am having trouble focusing on my artwork. it shouldn’t take me eleven days to do an inking. or should it? i am distracted. with spring and all the work of a budding homestead.

but, also, with dusty around, the little voices whisper to me that he thinks i am wasting my time.that he thinks i am neglecting the minions. that he thinks i am being silly–thinking my art is a worthwhile endeavor. that i should be doing something else–something worthwhile.
when dusty is nearby, it echoes of my childhood & when my dad would enter a room, i feel like i have to look busy…i feel like my artwork is not real work.

i could very well be projecting this.
or i could very well be sensing it from him.
he has made snide comments in the past.

some days i think i can keep dusty in my life.
i am trying really hard to be nice to him
to see if that changes how he treats me…

…but most the time, he is still a turd.

sigh.

dream weaver

i have a wicked head cold.
which might be responsible for this inking & its title.
which may have been a psychosomatic response to my letting dusty move back in.
i can barely breathe.
i can barely think.
my functionality is pretty limited.

sigh.

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it might be a defense mechanism of mine.
i was once sick for a month straight in one doomed relationship.
i can’t remember which one.
it’s like my body says, “this is bullshit.”
and shuts down.
my immune system gives up on me.
or thinks, “maybe this will get her attention.”

fuck.

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how many times can i fuck up in the exact same way?
maybe that should be the title of my memoirs….

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