for love or money

sometimes i wonder
if i had
just one wish
would i wish for love
or success
then i’m all like
what kind of lunatic
would choose love
over success
then i’m all like
what kind of monster
would choose success
over love
if i could only have one
forever
after
& not at all the other
could i live
without art & writing
could i live
knowing for sure
i would never love again?

by money & success i don’t mean i want to be wildly famous & wealthy…all i want is to be able to not worry about if i can pay my bills…to be able to do fun things every once in awhile without having to count my pennies…to NOT live off of credit….

sigh.
yesterday when it was 11:11, i wished for an agent.
today i woke up with “waterloo” by abba in my head.
in 1995 i started working at a bar called waterloo in austin, tx. i had been working at a daycare & the hours worked well with my fiancĂ©’s hours so we got to see each other a lot. however, i was unhappy and missed working nights in bars. so i took the other job, alienated my fiancĂ©, and ended up having an affair with a co-worker.
pretty much the worst thing i have ever done.
it’s not that i was choosing success or money over love, but i was bull-headedly doing exactly what i wanted to do, fuck the consequences.
not an uncommon move for me.

something for me to think about as i move forward.

ps. speaking of agents & success, i am getting the nicest rejections! i don’t know if literary agents are just sweethearts, or if my writing is as solid as they say (despite not being what they are looking for.)

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