inktober fourth

so i was totally going to work on moses jones and got out my sketchbook for working on her and found an inkstain inside it…and i just couldn’t walk away from an inkstain once i start seeing faces.
you know how it is.

before that i did this ink brush practice picture:

inktober4

and after i did the inkstain one, i had extra ink left over, so of course i had to do one more ink brush exercise:

inktober4(3)

and finian also did another one for today:

inktober4

which of course is fantabulous…
even though i am secretly jealous because he gets much better facebook response than i do. his one inking will earn more likes than all three of mine together.
ah well.
such is the story for the mother of genius children….

the gathering

so y’all remember when i became obsessed with lynda barry and tried to get her to be my friend?
no?
well, do you remember when i became obsessed with amanda palmer and tried to get her to be my friend?
fine…nevermind.
so i’m reading jenny lawson’s book furiously happy and i’m trying really hard not to message her or anything because i really don’t think i can take more rejection right now. i tried to comment on her blog…and the comment never showed up. so now i’m wondering if she just deleted it for being irrelevant? or i fucked up posting it? but i can’t risk trying again because…you know…the rejection part.
maybe if i had had more than just imaginary friends as a kid.
and as a grown-up.
i’m probably fucking up my kids by homeschooling them & not being enough of an extrovert to get them out to meet other kids and now they will someday stalk celebrities that they feel a false sense of connection with….

wait.
that was not where i was going with this.
so i’m reading her book….
i just lost my train of thought because poppy will not use the toilet on his own–he is completely capable–but will not do it. if i don’t take him, he screams at me until i do…then if i forget & wander off without carrying him back to where we started, he screams until i do. yesterday he broke a mirror because i didn’t carry him from the bathroom when he was done peeing…but that’s not where i was going with this either.
but it kind of was.
i cannot handle my life.
i fucked up by trying to have a life.
i cannot handle my dogs.
my kids.
my house.
my yard.
my chickens.
my sheep have overgrown toenails that apparently it is up to me to trim and i just don’t want to do it. i just don’t. i don’t want to do any of it. i want to quit.
quit.
quit.
quit.
but that’s not really an option. is it? i mean, i could sylvia plath…or kramer vs. kramer…but those options have a lot of terrifying consequences.

there it is!
so i am reading her book, and i am confused by her husband. first he seems like a pain in the ass. but she seems to really like him? i keep thinking of him as being played by colin firth and was going to message her that…but, you know, rejection.
so!
then i realize, he is like the voice of sanity in her life. he is her port of safety. then i think, i would really like someone like that in my life. you know, instead of always being in relationships with men who are looking for mothers & try to make me the sane one–the responsible one–the grown-up.
i’m not.
and all these years of having to pretend to know what i’m doing…
it has done it’s damage.
so i need jenny lawson’s victor.
except…i don’t think i could find a sane man (or woman) who would love me & take care of me and that would be asking a lot since i also want that person to help around the house…so i realized that i have to hire someone to be my port of safety.
i need a companion.
a nurse.
a personal assistant.
someone who can talk me in off the ledge.
and buy me ice cream.
i have to hire someone to fill this position. but i have no money. so i have to sell my art to make money to hire someone to take care of me.
that is my new plan.

(crap, looking at the original ink stain, i think i could have done more with this…but my brain feels like a bag of broken glass…so….)

inkstains-5

turkey trot

i’m feeling pretty defeated today.
i started out, this full moon, all hopeful & happy.
then i crashed.
i am angry. annoyed. short-tempered. self-sabotaging.
i am defeated.
i just want to give up. get rid of my dogs, sheep, & chickens. get rid of all the things that hold me in place. and float away. take my minions & hit the road. float through the universe.
i feel like my failure was complete before i even left my childhood.
i feel like i am an asshole.
always an asshole.
forever & ever after.
i feel like it is all pointless.

i suspect this is temporary. that i will feel better…maybe when the moon starts to wane?

god, i want a beer.
but i am so broke, i cannot afford beer.
so of course it is the one thing that i latch onto as a cure-all.
though it really wouldn’t be.
but, boy, could i go for a beer.

so i drew this.
i like it.
i liked my koala bears a lot. my yesterday drawing. but no one here did. and barely anyone on facebook. and twitter is just a vacuum i scream into.
i’m feeling pretty defeated.
no one loves me.
no one loves my art.
i am alone.
so i checked out of facebook. cancelled my twitter account. i am still here…but rapidly losing hope.
no one loves me.
and when i feel isolated, i hide.
and when i’m feeling invisible, i make sure i am.
it’s one of those days.
hopeless
loveless
defeated.

usually after i post here. i also post on my fb page for my blog. then on my own fb page. then on twitter.
tonight, this is my only posting of this picture.
god, i feel ridiculous.
why would anyone even want to do this?

if you do like my drawing, throw me a goddamned bone.
i’m drowning in self-pity here.
& misery.

i just ordered all the minions to bed because i am irritable and do not understand why i can’t have the space to work on art without being bumped and annoyed by the minions. so i snapped & sent them to bed. iggy screamed, “i hate you.” and i wanted to scream back, “that’s okay. i hate me too.”

oh…here’s the ink stain–though it’s a cut off shot of it. sorry. i suck today.
tomorrow….
let’s just see about tomorrow.

inkstains-4

dream a sweet koala bear dream

so as soon as i saw this ink stain i saw a koala bear.

inkstains-3

i did not however realize there were six koala bears hidden in the ink. so many koala bears. such a nice change from trump america, hate crimes, the struggles at standing rock, the denial of climate change and stubborn headlong push for fossil fuels in stead of sustainability.

and all the other crap going down.

war, famine, genocide, pollution, slavery…fuck a duck.

so i wish you all the sweet innocent dreams of koala bears where anything is possible.
but don’t let that be a diversion. we have been asleep too long. so now
i want you to wake from that dream,
and fight a good fight
fight for justice
fight for your neighbor
fight for the environment
fight for love
fight for peace
fight for hope
fight for a world where no one has to live in fear….

fight a good fight

(for the koala bears if for no other reason!)

this my sacred heart

so i was raised catholic–which heavily influenced my love of dark art (as in macabre paintings–not black magic), incense, and organ music. it also encouraged my fascination with religion.

i realized i was actually pagan as a young adult–though it was obvious in retrospect considering that i watched for god in the clouds and talked to trees and surrounded myself with spirit animals as a child.

anyhoo–these two influences, catholicism & paganism, show up in my art a lot.

this picture seems ripe with symbolism, but i leave that to you, the viewer. i am not going to say what it is or is not about. i like to make the art and leave the interpretation of it to someone else.

plus!

i woke up this morning. started doing yard work, gardening, taking care of critters. then stopped to come in and make a vegetable mung bean noodle stew. i make egg noodles from scratch, and they are soooooooo yummy…but very time consuming.
after eating i immediately started today’s drawing because i knew i would not have time tonight because…
oh yeah, i’m going out.
i’m leaving the house.
i’m having grown up time with a friend.
(yay!)

so i leave you to psycho-analyze my art and figure out what the fuck is going on in my head.

ps. here is the original ink stain…

inkstains-2

tomorrow’s child

this is what i started with

tomorrowschild1

so i found the mama first.
man, she looks sad. the weight of the world, right?
i found her imaginings of her unborn child around her.
fairy creatures by her feet.
i wonder…with all that is going on in the world. it is a tough decision to bring new life. the weight of all that is wrong, balanced with what all could be.
that is my drawing today.
despair and hope.
all mixed together.

after…and before

did i plan on drawing a wildebeest today? okay, i can imagine wanting to draw a bison. but a wildebeest & a fencer?
that’s why i enjoy these drawings. these exercises. they show me things i would not have drawn. i see them. i draw them. and i think, “huh. i’ve never drawn that before.”

animals1

this is what i started with. do you see a wildebeest? a bison? i do. that is fun for me. the cheerleaders…i’m not so sure about. i think there is something deeper. flowers & mother earth. pollination.

it’s been a rough day.
all this crazy energy in the air.
even living out in the country, i can feel it. and it wore me out. i started my picture pretty late because i was so worn out. i felt like negativity was just everywhere.
and hope.
some hope.
i spent too much time on facebook–got in a fight with someone blaming this mess on third party voters…really?? really?? that is ludicrous.

so i took a big nap. listened to the coyotes. looked at the stars. and drew a bison. a wildebeest. some sheep, cheerleaders, flowers, and a fencer.

tomorrow, hopefully, will be a better day.
for art & humankind.

nest building

today’s is another one close to my beliefs.
the hawk, again, one of my spirit guides…the hawk says to
build your nest high in the mountains.
the badger
recently i referred to dusty as a badger.
digging in.
refusing to be ousted.
aggressively defensive.
it occurs to me that the badger builds his nest under the earth.

dusty & me.
i am aiming for the clouds.
he doesn’t want to come up & into the sunshine.
we aren’t even compatible in where we would build our nest.

i saw the badger first.
then i saw the hawk.
the placement is even accurate for these two spirit animals.
as i finished up my picture…it occurred to me that i should be doing before and after and maybe even during photos of my work. see if you see what i see. show you where my weird drawings start since you get to see where they stop.
remind me; i will do that tomorrow.

i talked about being an empath.
yesterday i woke with the weight of the world on me.
i just wanted to hide.
but today i am light.
i opened my heart and let in the energy of the world.
and it was good.

so there is some trippy new-agey ink stain art for you .
the badger & the hawk do not make proper bedfellows.
we are just wrong.
dusty & i.
it doesn’t have to be who is wrong…we just are wrong.

 

skull island

do i always sea the sea
or does the sea seak me?

today’s drawing is a doodle ink blot. i wonder. i go into the drawings not knowing what i will find. but i often find sea creatures. so am i looking for sea creatures? or is that what i am finding?
i dunno.
but i saw a pterosaur today.
i cannot draw pterosaurs.
i messed it up–but then i fixed it–ish.
i felt like a 3rd grader because i was thinking of just putting a big black cloud over the part i fucked up. haha! i am actually pretty proud of fixing it as much as i did. it looked terrible to begin with. the end result is at least 5th grade level (no offense to the lower levels!)

however, as i was finishing this one up, i got deja vu. which happens a lot when i am drawing. then i try to remember if i drew that picture before. i wonder if vincent van gogh ever got that feeling as he did yet another self-portrait. i love vincent van gogh & all of his self-portraits–i’m just saying, “wait…did i do this one before?”

i was thinking. that thing they say about taking 30 days to start/end a habit. so i spent 31 days drawing every day. and now it’s my habit. that is pretty damn awesome. i am usually hanging by a thin thread of sanity. drawing every day has definitely strengthened that string.

yesterday, after doing “mister chicken” i started doodling in my journal where i have some ink spills waiting for my impression (today’s is also one such doodle). my journal pages are not the good paper that i do some of my work on, so i am more comfortable just messing around. plus, i was planning on sending this one in a letter to the boy of yesteryear who still owns my heart (it’s been 20 years & i’m still not over him!) i write him random letters. who knows if i even have his right address. someone could be collecting these neurotic quixotic whimsical letters singing his praises and apologizing a million times for what went wrong….
but, anyhoo! this is a doodle & a letter started to said heartbreaker.

dearpete

ha!
i just read it again.
now watch, i’ll drink a beer and actually mail it.

but the art is fun, right? i thought the art was fun.

mister chicken

so as it turns out,
i’m not crazy–i’m an empath.
okay,
sometimes i’m still crazy.
but when i get super sad and then feel elated the next minute–
the thing is–
i often don’t feel my own emotions,
i feel other people’s emotions.
so weird.
i always knew i was really really empathetic
but only in the past couple of years have i learned about being an empath.

so i’m an empath.
i feel things
and know things
that other people cannot sense.
i know when someone is lying.
i can see an aura better than i can notice the color of your eyes.
and it has come to my attention that being an empath–& not knowing how to protect yourself–is a dangerous & even a bad thing.
i don’t know how to protect me.
i lay open for everyone to just dump their emotions in.
and then i turn into a raging pond of dumped emotions.

so today i was reading a book about service dogs for families that have special needs children and i felt profoundly sad.  and instead of just feeling sad, i examined why i felt sad…only to realize that the sadness was not my own, but the sadness of these families.
it finally clicked.
i was not feeling my own emotions.
i was feeling someone else’s!!
and just like that, the sadness evaporated.
how often am i doing that?
being angry with someone else’s anger?
being happy with someone else’s happiness?
being frustrated with someone else’s frustration?

i wonder.
when i was a child, i loved animals. all animals. i loved them. i collected them. i had over fifty pets as a kid–and even more imaginary ones.
but my dad was so angry.
and he put that anger on us kids
and on the animals.
and i felt myself absorb that anger.
i felt it grow inside me.
i recognized it when it came out–it was his anger, not mine.
but over the years i adopted it as my own.
i was the one being angry at the animals.
it stopped being his and became mine.
and i felt so horrible about it
about myself.
i cringe to think that that is who i am.
but what if it isn’t?
i wonder…
if i now realize it is not my anger after all…can i send it on its way?

 

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