words of wisdom

bathe in the enlightenment
that is me
1.) don’t give a fuck
2.) burn it all down
3.) take the money & run

yes. this was my trying to help my sister be as wise as i am. okay, look at it again. look at it with the eyes of someone who has been destroyed by emotional abuse. hey. it gets me through, this attitude of mine, it keeps me alive…and right now i’m just trying to help her stay alive.

clawing my way out

i feel like screaming
& scratching
& clawing my way out
of my life right now.

right now being the key words. i know things will settle down for me again. i know they will. and that is a huge step. my sister is going through a dark hell right now & is unable to have faith that it will pass.
it makes me sad, but it also makes me realize how far i have come & what intense work i have done to get to the point that i know i will be able to work my way back out when i am feeling only darkness & heaviness.

i hope my sister can find that faith within herself.

mass withdrawl

you know how most kids act out
for attention
not me
i withdrew
the less attention i got
the more i withdrew
the more i withdrew
the less attention i got
until i had dug myself a nice little hole
& stayed there
even when i did get attention
i dug the hole a little deeper
because now that attention
terrified me
& all i could do
was hide from it.

here is more on what is happening for me in a more general way…why i am struggling…why i can’t seem to get my shit together. i am comfortable with being invisible…but now i am letting myself be more & more visible. and that is wreaking havoc with a number of my personalities.

earth day art

in between a sister have a psychotic break on my couch
waiting for the proof of my book to show up
(both excited & terrified)
& impulsively buying a house
that is at least as damaged as me…
i am working on art for an earth day exhibit
i have too many pieces already,
but it is so calming to thumb through my journals
and creating new pieces from old ones.

by the way
any piece you see here is totally for sale…
let’s say $60 for the 9X12 & $75 for the 12X16
(the story & goddess of creation)

update: the song, goddess of creation, & the story have all been spoken for

stuffing down the crazy

whenever i am put in the role of the
sane one
i stuff down my crazy
whenever i have to be the rescuer
i hide away my struggles
& honestly
it feels kind of nice to be free
of the crazy
to feel the calm & control…
but you can’t escape the crazy
it comes back
sooner
or
later.

i touched on this yesterday, my observation of what becomes of me when i am put in a role i am not happy about. it would happen a lot (still does) with my ex-husband when we are parenting together. i have to be the level-headed one.
i don’t like being the level-headed one.
as an empath, when i am forced to care, i shut down.
it can be fun for awhile…then i start dying on the inside.
yay!

the deep end

told i could not swim & then
thrown into the deep end
my family of origin
all of us fucked up
in our won special way
all of us
thrown in the deep end
trying not to drown
& pushing each other under
i was finally getting my stroke down
making my own waves
when they grabbed me
by the knees
pushed me down
by the shoulders
pulled under
again

i have been struggling more than usual lately, trying to get my wonky head back on straight….
then my sister, with a history of mental illness, became despondent & suicidal and my being the only one living near her, put me in the position of rescuer & caretaker.
this is not not not a position i enjoy &, in fact, i begin to fall apart even more when put in this position.
so here i am
trying as hard as i can
to keep my head above water.

(at least i am able to be consistent in my metaphor…)

trust II

i was never taught
to believe in me
i was never taught
to have faith in myself
to trust
that i could
make the right decision
follow that right path…
funny thing
in all my efforts to follow
that path
i had forgotten that learned lack
of faith
that distrust in my own instinct…
but even forgotten
it popped up into my life
to fuck me
all over again.

so! recently i started the process of buying a house. it was in a flood here in the driftless when a dam broke in 2018. the boiler, hot water heater, & electrical system as well as walls & cabinets and most of the kitchen were destroyed in the flood–followed by the owner abandoning the property.

so, you know, deeply damaged, of course i fell in love with this two story, circa 1900 brick house. in all the damage i saw how i could make the house my own.

plus i am in a position to buy it outright.

my heart said, “yes yes yes!” but then the unsolicited advice from family & acquaintances started picking away at my poor (already compromised) brain.

that’s when i remembered my parents telling me “it’s a nice hobby, but what are you really going to do?” when i was a twelve year old artist/writer who had already won contests and just needed that support to believe in myself…which left me wondering for the next 36 years until i finally said, “no. seriously. i want to be an artist & a writer.”
fuck.
how do you learn to believe in yourself when taught not to believe in yourself?

i feel this house & i are meant to be…but i am struggling with believing in myself…which totally sucks.

halos & horns

halos & horns
is that how i see the world
is that how i see myself
halos & horns
do i deserve to be happy
is that the question that needs asing
do i deserve to feel
whole
or is being hole mean embracing
my halo & horns.

i am totally naming my next collection of art “halos & horns.” i am not sure what it says about me that i am always drawing halos & horns & wings on my people…except that catholicism did a number on me.
i am always asking so many questions! maybe one day i will ask the right question & get a real answer…one day….

this is what i want; this is what i need

what do i need right now?
pornographic emails from a cute stranger?
or a shoulder to cry on
a friend who can listen
do i need to get laid…or do i need a hug
all of the above?
what do i need right now?

turns out i do not need pornographic emails…do i want them? that is a completely different matter. right now, however, i am focusing on my needs. the pornographic emails were nice?…kind of…they made me wonder too much about the motives of the sender…and what it said about me. i mean, attention is nice…but i need the right kind of attention.
i reached out to someone with mental health issues just to check in–and i am not sure what happened after that. it got graphic a lot faster than i was comfortable with….
it was like, jesus, buy a person dinner first.
i never realized a virtual fuckbuddy could be a selfish lover…
you learn something new every day!

trust

trust is a thing i struggle
to have faith in
faith
is a thing i struggle
to trust
but maybe
just maybe
i am on the right path
maybe just maybe
i can trust that my journey
is true
have faith
that i am moving in the right
direction

i have had more epiphanies/art journal musings about this in the next few pages. i am struggling with a lot of life decisions and am realizing how little faith in myself i was taught to have. it has been an uphill battle most my life-faith & trust in myself.
bleah.

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