he curled up on the floor fetal position & asked me, “would you take care of me if i had polio” & i blurted “no!” i was nineteen he was my first real boyfriend & what? now i’m nursing a polio victim? eventually he left me (shortly after i got a cyst) & my heart was broken all apart & i was crying along with neil diamond songs for months after but eventually & thirty years later it was all just a funny story.
an ex-fiance that got in touch with me recently, stirring up old stories.
first page of the new journal! after posting about being a one trick pony, i tried to emulate david mack (one of my favorite artists.) i am not sure i was successful, but it is a change of pace.
the whiskey tastes like cough syrup something i have an aversion to with vivid memories of my nurse mother forcing medications & sure enough i go to sleep & dream of her bowling with my mother something we never did in the waking world…. this will not be the first thanksgiving without my mother but it will be the first since she has departed this reality…. instead of my annual angst this year i feel peace & balance & i am swearing off the cough syrup whiskey.
the peace & balance waxed & waned. this time of year i am lucky to feel any peace & balance, so i am not going to look that gift horse in the mouth. i fixed a turkey for the first time ever. i played “mom” to my four children & two extra children & decided that the cough syrup whiskey wasn’t awful when mixed with eggnog.
this was the last page of this art journal that began on july 10th of this year. i inked on both sides of all the pages.
i wonder as a writer & an artist if i am like those actors who can only play one character no matter how excellent they may be at that role they can never move past being that guy i wonder if i am a one trick pony always drawing the same face always writing in the same voice.
serious anxieties here folks. could i live with having a limited range? being a bill murray instead of a denzel washington? i see other artists who do just the one style–doing it really well–& i do not judge them for it… so why am i so hard on myself? (rhetorical question–i totally know why)
dreams tumbling like stones in a river though i pick through them admiring the swirls & colors i toss them back into the river watching the ripples…. i know who i am.
a friend of mine is having some serious ancestral dreams & dreams of spirit animals… i was feeling a little envious…but, then again, i am ten years her senior & have been doing a buttload of work of my own. maybe i don’t need my ancestors to talk to me right now. maybe i know who i am.
i am stronger than i know i have done things most people avoid i challenge the world around me i ask questions i expect the truth i expect loyalty & compassion i am stronger than you know i will not stop challenging the world around me.
this occurred to me the other day. it’s funny, i just do what i do…but then i look around and realize that i’m doing things most people choose not to do because it might be too much work or too daunting…etc. i’m not trying to brag…i’m trying to make myself realize i am much more fantastic than i give myself credit to be.
first my second ex-fiance then my first ex-fiance reached out to me on the internets of late a ghost of 1989 a ghost of 1993 both with dark hair & brown eyes both leos & not complete fuckers like many many other men in my past (& present) so reflecting on such & noticing things happening in threes i guess i wait with baited breath for a third & fresh fiance to find me tell me if you see a dark haired brown eyed leo.
a little art journaling/meditation about my (so far very uneventful) man-hunt. i do wonder….
so i have my sheep fingers…and now angels/fairies with hands for wings–what do i call them? handy angels? angel fives? clappers?
this one just kinda jumped out of me fully formed from my head a household god fed on peanut butter whiskey & i.p.a’s a protector as well as a tormentor as my fortune cookie once told me there is danger in getting too comfortable.
she took up two pages of my art journal. here are scanned pages.
i have separated out the personalities in my head by what shoes (if any) they wear… although recently a new personality has emerged & i have not yet determined her favorite footwear.
i think we all must have multiple personalities–just not at a clinical level. i mean, when you want to wear something colorful versus when black is the only color that will do. or, i guess it could just be me? & there is always that dominant personality. the one we are most days. but then there are the days when someone else takes us over & we are an all new person. in my case, a person who does panda comics….
i did this illustration experimenting with a pen nib rather than using my usual bamboo pen. the lines are a lot more thin & consistent–less dipping required to do an inking…but i so prefer the randomness of the bamboo pen.
just for fun i’m only drinking when i really really really feel like it (not just as a reflex happy hour for one) & sometimes not even then opting to notice the *need* & just let it go… so now i notice when my mind turns to craving the numbness alcohol brings i am noticing now when & why i wish to be numb.
mostly it is times when being a mom feels overwhelming & impossible…or when my ex is picking picking picking at the energy field around me, whittling it away…
but today, my neighbor (mentioned yesterday) came to my house to complain about my twelve year old. yes. he is annoying. sneaky. manipulative. & plays really really rough sometimes (he has sensory processing disorder & doesn’t always respect boundaries) …but he is also a scapegoat for women/mothers like my neighbor. hyper judgey gossipy drama queens. i’ve noticed a pattern. & it’s not like her kids are any better. also, she is best buds with the kid who is my kid’s arch nemesis. another sneaky & manipulative boy about my son’s age. so it’s kinda annoying that she thinks this kid is golden while mine is garbage? & the other day i told this rotten neighbor kid to stop making drama & to play nicely with all the kids instead of causing problems. he told angry neighbor lady (not his mom–i don’t even know who his mom is) that i yelled at him. i did not yell at him. so bitchy neighbor lady is telling me i cannot talk to kids? i have to talk to parents??? i told her bullshit–if a kid is causing problems with my kids–fuck yeah i’m going to say something. otherwise who the fuck is checking these kids’ behavior? if my kid is being an ass, i expect someone to tell him (nicely & as an adult) that he is being an ass. it takes a fucking village, right?
long story short–i really could have used a drink after throwing said neighbor lady out of my house–but i did not partake. just noted the urge. & let it go….
i’ve noticed that i have inked faces familiar to the one on my journal page above several times. maybe i should name her?
friendship can be an ugly bird squatting on a carcass & laughing at the people we love.
this one doesn’t really make a lot of sense. i was angry with a friend who i felt was treating me callously. i am terribly terribly anti-social. being my friend is not easy. i blame it on my scorpio rising. i just have a nasty sting when provoked. so this journal page happened because i felt slighted.
don’t even get me started on my across the street neighbor….
in other news…inappropriate comics with pandas!
i’m not sure about this one…i was thinking of the sound of music for some reason & pandas & well, this just kinda got away from me. i apologize. i think it is the most recent stay-at-home order making me extra inappropriate.