soul mates

just doodling.
i never really know what i am doodling until it’s doodled.
i never know if i am going to like it or not.
i still haven’t decided about this one.

in other news…i am still trying to figure out a way to make money.
i slashed prices on all of my art.
i was thinking i could start selling baked goods…but i still don’t have an oven or a chimney….
man i need a chimney.
it’s going to be cold this winter if i don’t have my woodburning stoves up & going.
i have a yard full of hard wood stacked.
i have a woodburning stove on my porch.
but i have no chimney & cannot find a mason for the life of me….

oh, and i need income
because i am running low on funds….

sex education

i learned about sex from HBO
i learned about sex from sidney sheldon & stephen king
sure my mom told me the basics
the technicalities of it
but HBO showed me how it was done
cinemax on friday nights
before internet porn there was cable tv
before internet porn there were smutty books
i have never regretted coming of age
in the 80’s
way before the easy availability
of porn
when sex was still magical
with bits left to the imagination.

random thoughts from the too much information bits of my brain. hmmm. maybe i have sex on the brain. i can’t remember for sure what triggered this random thought.

an exercise in self-love

this was more difficult that it looks.
but it is my effort to not feel underserving all the fucking time.
so like the other day they started knocking down the house across the road from me, opening up the view of the valley:

the view is now breath-taking, but because i spent so much time wishing that house was gone–& now it is–i feel like i have done something wrong.
right?
jesus fucking christ. why can’t i just enjoy the view?
& today while doing yoga, i was admiring my feet that have healed up after being infested with warts for 18 years, and somehow i felt like i didn’t deserve to have pretty feet?
what the ever-loving fuck.
so i wrote this page. my punishment for feeling unworthy?
ack.

keeping safe the pain

give your pain
to me
i will keep it
safe
i know how important
pain is.

this is another one where i inked first & wrote after (rather than my usual routine of writing & then inking.) it took me a day or two before i found the words. i thought this thought after reading another novel & finding myself lost in the story, feeling the feelings of the characters to such a degree that sometimes i have to set the book down & walk away from it.

without smooches

as the universe prepares
to dazzle me
with its vast mysteries
i just keep myself wondering
if i will ever get laid
again
for what is enlightenment
worth
without smooches

i did this page backwards. i inked an illustration and then wrote a thought around it. really. i could be having non-stop epiphanies & be the most brilliant thing in the universe…but i would still be all like, yeah–but am i pretty?

in other news, last night i had a nightmare that i remarried my ex-husband. in the dream i was lamenting the marriage just after it happened. wondering when i could divorce him again.
i have never been happier to wake up in the morning.
so–i might be lonely, but i’m not desperate.

lost service

my phone service was cancelled
because i forgot to update my address
& seeing as it is a free phone
(the only kind i can afford)
i am made to re-apply
thereby jumping through the hoops
poor people are made to jump through
so they do not forget
they are poor
& should have to beg.
so it’s been almost a month
of no calls
no texts…
i should probably miss it more
than i do
but i just don’t….

i have been using my son’s phone when i have to, but every once in awhile i wonder who might be trying to call or text me on my disconnected phone.
obviously i am not concerned enough to actually let everyone know i am temporarily out of service….
but i am totally out of service, in one way or another…the recording on my soul right now goes something like, “your call is very important to me & will be returned if i ever figure out that you called….”

ps. happy autumn equinox!!

so empty

i’m so empty
there’s an echo
as my soul calls out
looking for its other
i’m so lost
i’m like e.t.
after he phoned home
& no one answered
i wonder
if i even deserve
the treasure i seek
is there any reason
i should find
a true love
when so many others
never do?

sometimes i really deplore myself for all the energy i spend on feeling sad & alone.
like i could be doing so many other things!
looking for life’s meaning (assuming it is not to find that so-called other half)…writing the great american novel…working on my comics…working on madness manor…letting my big brain be all it can be…finding a deeper significance to my existence….
but no
here i am sulking about being alone & lonely.
fuck me.

goodbye

it was as if the island did not want me to be there.
every sign an exit sign.
rain filling the tent
a sky clouding over as soon as we got to the beach
for a swim
crows crying out a warning every morning
relentless flies & pissy park rangers…
i wondered if it was an omen of bad things to come…
only to realize it was a letting go
like the end of the movie
when you have to set free the thing you love
have to chase off the thing you love.
the island was telling me to leave
to run free
& to not look back.

this has everything to do with dusty. i planned this vacation to madeline island with him. kind of a co-parent thing. i thought it would work out okay because things had been going more friendly between us.
but i really do not like being around him.
especially not for an entire camping trip.
we are so different in the ways we live our lives. the ways we see the world. the ways we parent….
it hurts me to be around him. i wish it did not…but it does. i am damaged a little every time i tolerate his bullshit. and i feel like i have to tolerate his bullshit in order to keep the peace.
…and i really really do not like tolerating bullshit.

it was totally his fault the tent flooded. i kept trying to nicely tell him the flaw in his thinking. the flaw that was causing the tent to turn into a leaky water bed…but he kept telling me how it was going to work. i had to wait it out, bailing out the tent more than once, before he would “let” me fix the problem (without any help from him.)

i once surmised of our relationship that if we were ever in a situation where we had to work together to survive–we just wouldn’t. we would be dead.

but i survived.
& the island made it clear to me that i need to let go & stop the nonsense.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑