shades of gray

i can’t shake the feeling
i’ve done something
wrong
the sinking sensation
that everyone
rightfully
thinks i’m an asshole.

more social anxiety. i went to a get-together a couple of weeks ago and left it feeling this way. i think i was picking up on someone else’s feelings that had nothing to do with me. that happens to me more than i like.
so someone felt overwhelmed or whatever, i picked up on it, and felt like it was my fault.
a spin-out that had already begun, was escalated by this one small event.
being me is fun like that….

my shadowing got out of control as i was inking the illustration so i was just like “fuck it” and colored it all gray making it look kinda like a fallen statue…i guess that works.

see you next tuesday

sometimes i forget
what a bitch
i am
& it always surprises me
when i realize
all over again
that i am so totally
a cunt.

i would actually rather be called a cunt than a bitch. i just like “uh” sounds better than “ih” sounds. i have been called a bitch more than once to my face (or directly behind my back.) shocking, i know.
i don’t know if anyone other than me has called me a cunt. i might start requesting it. like, if you have to call me a derogatory term of a feminine nature…go with cunt…or twat…but please don’t call me a bitch.
i used to joke that when i was a kid i thought a cunt was a car that wouldn’t start. i learned all my curse words from my father, an explosive mechanic, as he screamed them from under the hood of a car.
maybe this is another reason the word does not bother me the way it bothers most american.

ninja entourage

a ninja
doesn’t want
an entourage

i thought this when i was walking somewhere with my minions. sometimes it is very difficult for me to go anywhere knowing i will have an entourage if i try to leave the house.
so this made sense to me.
i am totally a ninja.
after i had this epiphany, i arrived where my entourage & i were headed and announced that a ninja doesn’t want an entourage. the millennial man with long hair & talk of veganism at this get-together turned to my 12 year old (who is SO NOT A NINJA) and asked him, “are you the ninja?”
like, what the fuck, a chubby fifty year old woman can’t self-identify as a ninja?
ack.
this contributed to my current state of no longer socializing.
(i am a ninja)

on a completely different train of thought, as i drew the seal in this inking, i realized that my cattle dog looks just like a seal (you know, with pointy ears & four legs.)

super predator

i don’t think you were
a predator
when i met you
which makes me wonder
if i am the trigger event
they talk about
on “criminal minds”…
were you broken
but harmless
until i got ahold of you
unleashing
this creature i see
gazing seductively
in so many photos
sent to my phone
(& who else’s?)
photos that make red flags
fly
& cause me to run
even faster.

thoughts on my ex-husband. i was looking at pictures of him when i met him versus pictures of him now. he was this cuddly chubby dork…now he is an angular & smoldering with long curly hair & a devastating stare. whenever i see his big blue eyes staring at me, i get the heeby jeebies…which i am pretty sure is the opposite of what he wants….
i so totally miss the old him.
& i cannot help but hate the new him. i mean, he killed off the old him, right?
or was that me?
did i kill off old him?

what i really really want

okay
i know what i want
a man
whom i do not
have to take care of
a man
who is utterly
hopelessly
devoted to me
an equal
be that he is broken
or whole
fire or earth
he will not need to be
rescued
& he will think i am
the cat’s pajamas.

uugh. more thoughts on relationships. but! an important thought at least.
what i want from a relationship: a dude who does not need to be rescued!!!!!! i don’t care if he has issues–just as long as he does not make them my issues.
recently in an exchange with dusty, he said something about how he & i were both broken when we met–& expected the other one to fix us. i told him to speak for himself.
i have never ever ever expected anyone to fix me. i just want someone to accept me & celebrate me & let me deal with my own issues. & i will do the same for him.

i do so rock

i would like to report
that thirty some years later
& into
a new century
new generations
& old
are appreciating my taste
in music.

this was just a thought i had. i made a playlist of like 700 songs using spotify & i play my music at the free store, at art club meetings, and anywhere else i can play it.
i love it that people have started complimenting my playlist. i am sure my enthusiasm stems from years of boyfriends & husbands complaining about my taste in music.
so to them i say, “suck it–i do so rock.”

not of this world

i think maybe i am waiting
longing
for someone who is not
of this realm
i think maybe
i am not the only one
who feels
this way
songs full of other world
energy
art on a canvas
showing us
an understanding
not of this world
but an impossible other
stories that explore worlds
we can only see
in our hearts…
i can only hope
that the someone whom my heart
calls to
somehow finds his way
to share
not just an emotional sphere
with me
but a physical one
as well.

i’m getting tired of my own posts about relationships. i wrote this like a week ago? and since then i have downward spiraled to a place where i am “fuck everyone i’m going to dig a hole & never come out.”
so relationships are not a top priority for me at this moment in time as i try to dig myself back out of the grave i have put myself in to.
and i’m kind of annoyed with me.
but! i do remember that i wrote this post after crying while reading the wishing of biddy malone to my kids. a story about an irish lass who falls in love with a fairy.

i do really like the creepy baby hand angel though.

spectacular

i can’t do mundane
it must be
spectacular
if i can’t have
spectacular
i will have
nothing
i will be alone
i’m too old
it’s too late
to settle for less than
amazing.

more thoughts on relationships. i spent all those years when i was young & the world was my oyster not being discriminating at all in my dating habits.
now i’m older with much fewer options for companionship, and all of a sudden i have developed standards? that sounds about right.

carousel

i’m a fucking carousel
of emotion
watch me spin
…rather slowly at times
& to creepy music
of course
angry now
depressed now
hopeless & self-destructive
calm & grounded
elated now
full of love
turn a little more
here comes your abandonment issues!
and
oh
we are back around to the anger
…what makes the carousel turn
where is the plug?
is it safe to stop it
or
like a roulette wheel
will it stop on double 0
& everyone
loses?

another take on my spinning which is really clear if you sit & read through my journal pages all at once. i looked through about two years worth & got pretty dizzy.

valentine’s day

i’m fifty
& still looking
to this day
as if i were fifteen
a sad charlie brown
hoping that this year
surely
this year
i will be noticed
cherished
celebrated
surely this year.

i’m not going to elaborate on this post because it’s just too sad.

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