i’m so tired
of these feelings of desperation
what is real?
what is longing?
& what is just a big chasm
something intrinsically wrong
a hole in me
a black succubus of love
any warm body
it is difficult
to walk past an inkstain
without seeing its
i posted this on the inktober group i am in on facebook, i referenced how conflicted i felt about so much color–as if i were channeling the teletubbies…and…nothing.
not one like.
not one comment.
is it me? i put on deodorant…
(actually, not technically deodorant, i use baking soda, coconut oil, and essential oils….)
but you know what i mean.
i would like, at some point before i am dead, to not feel like a complete pariah.
and dusty is coming here to stay for a week. part of me is relieved that there will be another grown up here.
part of me just wants to die because the only relief i get is when the man who helped put me in this fucking situation comes to visit.
mostly, i just feel like crying.
i’m going to go take a shower and cry.
there’s a story behind this. but i don’t know what it is.
that was the 11th. for the 10th i phoned it in once more with a half done inking.
and it is still not finished.
my life is overwhelming.
i am very angry about being alone. about doing this alone. so angry. and depressed. and feeling like this is it. this is the rest of my life. i am essentially alone–but! i am also stuck with dusty in my life. i am stuck with raising four kids mostly by myself while their dad complains that he wants to be more involved and i have to remind myself that it is a trick. their dad is an angler fish dangling “normal family” in front of me and hoping i will take a nibble. because he never actually gets involved even when he can be involved. he doesn’t. and i have to keep reminding myself of that.
which is a lot of fun.
so i’m grumpy and moody and do not feel like doing anything even though i know that doing something would help me to feel better.
just putting pen to paper makes me feel better.
so i was totally going to work on moses jones and got out my sketchbook for working on her and found an inkstain inside it…and i just couldn’t walk away from an inkstain once i start seeing faces.
you know how it is.
before that i did this ink brush practice picture:
and after i did the inkstain one, i had extra ink left over, so of course i had to do one more ink brush exercise:
and finian also did another one for today:
which of course is fantabulous…
even though i am secretly jealous because he gets much better facebook response than i do. his one inking will earn more likes than all three of mine together.
such is the story for the mother of genius children….
my spring garden
my spring garden keeps me from getting any art done
i am so tired by the end of every day
it feels like i never sit still
i go to do one thing,
and i do three other things on my way
they have to be done.
so my inkings are few & far between as i am overwhelmed with garden, livestock, a yard to tend, a house to keep clean-ish, four kids to feed & care for….
spring is a busy time.
now i have to focus all my art on finishing a project
i agreed to illustrate
i am excited about it. yet my sketchbook eludes me.
i think about working on it all the time
but i need to sit & actually put pen to paper.
i need to be sketching the characters ever day
to get familiar with their faces…
i also need to learn to cultivate mushrooms, grow herbs for health, become more confidant about checking my bee hives, build a bigger house for my ever expanding poultry, and learn more about goats (i’m getting goats next!)
with four kids
is just non-stop
& all the chaos
& my unamused
what keeps me busy, inspires me. what inspires me, keeps me busy.
on the bullfrog song homestead with me:
7 muscovy ducksings
and one ex-husband.
i welcome most of these things. okay, all but the ex-husband. i have realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that i do not want to live with him.
whether he’s good or bad, i do not want to live with him.
i want to get on with my life.
and he is not my future.
i do not love him.