invitation to the dance

in typical style of me
i invited my mother
my feminine
to come into power
&
ended up squashing
my masculine
throwing me
out of whack
in a whole other direction
now
i invite my warrior male
back
while still honoring
my soft & yielding feminine
encouraging them
to dance
to blend & whirl
to teach me
when to be vulnerable
& when
to take no prisoners.

i have always had a very strong masculine side. i have started writing some creative non-fiction about what i termed (in the early ’90s) to be my “gender confusion.”
i have always punished myself for not being able to pull off the feminine…for being too manly in nature, but i have also always liked that about myself.
except i thought i was wrong for it….
so i tried so hard to get in touch with my softer side…and must have succeeded? because now i really miss my masculinity & my inner tough guy.
so it’s a dance.
but at least i’m trying to move to the music that is me.

together; apart

new year
old problems
i feel the anger i have
over trampled boundaries
turns me into
creature
made of fire & stone
more base
than magical.

the ex regularly ignores my attempts at boundaries as i so easily cave into his needs while burying my own.
then i get to see echoes of this behavior in my children.
and i feel myself transforming into that awful person i don’t want to be.
so what do i need to do?
well, learn to value myself, at least….

“together; apart” 9X12 inking on watercolor paper…$45
“how do i learn to value myself” 9X12 inking on watercolor paper…$45

give me your pain

awaiting chimney work
so i can hook up a woodburning cookstove
madness manor
is nippy as fuck
but i stay optimistic
for 2022
planning an art show
considering submissions
selling books & artwork already
though the year has just begun
my feet may be cold
but my heart is warm.

“give me your pain” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

without smooches

happy new year
y’all
smooches for everyone
open up the door
let the old year out
& the new one
in.

without smooches” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

call of the wild

a couple of inkings with some spirit animal action
sure, a little anti-social
a tad feral
but super cute

above “swimming with selkies”
below “pooh”
9X12 ink on watercolor paper $45

what i promised myself

sometimes
i swear
i can feel something powerful
working through me
when i do my art
i cherish those moments
even though i worry
i will spill ink
all over my
magic.

i really really like this inking. maybe i will price it higher? hmmm? i am trying to value myself more while also recognizing that folks don’t have a lot of art money lying around.
i was kind of thinking of new year’s and resolutions etc. as i inked this one. how do i want to grow? who will i be when i am finished? right, i will never be “finished” but, you know, what will i make of this upcoming year?
by the way, my dove turned into a hawk. i think that is a good thing.

“what i promised myself” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

i am more powerful

i have started telling my kids that this year
is the year
my ship comes in
who knows
my third collection to be published
my novel
surely
finished
who knows what good fortune
might find us
at madness manor.

“i am more powerful” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

wild thing

as i spiral due to all the ways
my life is out of my control
i cannot help but notice
that yawning hole in my heart

my hair is out of control. i have no control over my aging. i have no control over the sparrows that insist on kicking all of the sunflower seeds out of my bird feeder. i have no control over the cats i live with who like to defile my work space & kitchen counters. i have little control over my feral children. i have no control over my ex-husband. i have little control over the people i hire to help me with my house. i have no control (it feels) over how my abusive childhood damaged me.
and i have no control over whether or not i will grow old(er) alone or with a soul mate.
thing is
do i need to let go? what exactly do i let go of? what do i try to rein in?
why was i never taught healthy ways to get my life moving forward?

“wild thing” ink on watercolor paper…9X12…$45

change is good.

so most of my art journal is about struggle
growth
change
moving forward
transformation
it is something i obviously feel strongly about
believing
if you are unhappy
you need to either accept
or change
and i am just not that good at accepting
the unacceptable
so i struggle
forward (on good days)
backwards (on bad days)
& sometimes i’m just moving in circles…

but change is good
so here is what i am going to try now. instead of finishing and posting my art journal pages, i will be posting finished versions of said pages which will be for sale. i am still art journaling like mad…i just have stopped inking/finishing the pages in my journal. instead, i use them as ways to get those demons moving about and then i use them again to make finished pieces of art. so now my art journal is looking more like this:


maybe i’m trying to conserve ink? maybe i’m just unmotivated? maybe i’ve inked so much that i no longer need to ink the roughs? like i kinda know what i’m doing?
but fret not! i will continue posting finished pieces with random thoughts.

“for this moment” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

xo

resting…

sometimes
it is okay to rest
sometimes
i can let myself
step away
take a break
from trying to save the world.

i’ve got a bit of the covid, y’all. this is the second time i have had it. the first time being the fall of 2019. it was much worse that time, but i am recovering.
in addition to being sick (or because of being sick) i am in a god-awful mood. terrible mood. i am grumpy as fuck.
i am trying to re-imagine my world.
messing around with my art & writing.
feeling miserable about myself as a mom.
wishing i could just figure all this shit out….

i hope y’all are having a comparatively easy autumn slide into the holiday overtures.

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