dreaming

dreams tumbling
like stones in a river
though i pick through them
admiring the swirls
& colors
i toss them back
into the river
watching
the ripples….
i know
who
i am.

a friend of mine is having some serious ancestral dreams & dreams of spirit animals…
i was feeling a little envious…but, then again, i am ten years her senior & have been doing a buttload of work of my own.
maybe i don’t need my ancestors to talk to me right now.
maybe i know who i am.

(some handy fairies today)

loud & clear

i analyzed
my dreams
this morning
& got an unanimous answer
my dreams say,
“fuck you”
fuck you & the horse
you rode in on
just
whatever dude
whatever
ever
ever
…ever
fuck off for real
like
totally.

this one goes out to my ex-husband. my second ex-husband, who won’t stay out of my subconscious for some reason. i guess my subconscious just wants to make doubly tripply sure i do not get back together with him–again.
thanks for watching out for me, subconscious!

chaos theory

it’s about
welcoming
the chaos
not trying to control
the chaos
letting all
all the energies
the good &
the bad
move through
breathe through
with
small treasures
filtered out

working on balance in my household. my mothering requires that i not absorb all the chaos in the house or else i become overwhelmed & either shut down or freak out. however, trying to stop the chaos all together is fucking impossible (if you doubt this, i will be happy to send my kids over to your house.) so i need to find a way to filter through the chaos.
accepting it
& surviving it.

Now Available from Indie Blu(e) Publishing: As the World Burns: Writers and Artists Reflect on a World Gone Mad — Brave & Reckless

Indie Blu(e) Publishing is thrilled to announce that As the World Burns: Writers and Artists Reflect on a World Gone Mad in now available on Amazon in both print and Kindle versions.

Now Available from Indie Blu(e) Publishing: As the World Burns: Writers and Artists Reflect on a World Gone Mad — Brave & Reckless

here is an anthology that includes some pieces from me on my feelings about the current state of the world…check it out

xo

still feral

here i thought
i was one of you
those peace-loving
justice-seeking
liberals
here i thought
i was like
these people i see
everyday
but
it’s kinda like that time
i convinced myself i was
a morning person
only to find
so much relief
when i embraced the night….
now i look
examine
the path i have been
travelling
all along
the path where i call myself
an anarchist
the path where i find myself
attracted to the celtic goddess
morrigan
who is both life & death
birth & battle
growth & destruction
and
i remember again
my quest for
balance
my need to accept
that conflict is as much
a part of life
as peace
&
harmony
one cannot exist
without the other
it would be
unnatural.

tomorrow is election day in the united states. some people think things will magically get better after election day. i suspect another story will unfold. a less than desirable history in the questionable history of our country.

i am not a liberal.
i thought i was because they tell us we are either conservative or liberal. conservatives being the bad guys & liberals being the good guys. (though my parents told me it was the other way around)
right.
it’s a story like everything else about this country.
conservatives are like giant two year olds who want what they want, consequences be damned.
and liberals are like those three chimps: see no evil; speak no evil; hear no evil…. or ostriches with heads deep in the sand.

that’s my story, anyhow.
as i embrace my feral nature once more.
tomorrow i will vote third party as i (almost) always do in my efforts to push over the see-saw of politics in this country.
& i will hope for the best because
if things don’t change, things are going to change….

fuck

i feel like
there is
nothing
left of me
most of my past
15 years
spent with creatures
who only want
to know
what i can do for
them
what can i give
them
there is no one
it seems
willing to do
for me
willing to give
to me
&
i am a husk
nothing
left.

motherhood…sigh…definitely the hardest job i have ever done. made harder still by my lack of a support system or a nurturing husband-figure. in fact, i was dealt a very needy now ex-husband-figure…. my own fault surely. wanting to feel needed….
but now, i wonder, what about my needs?
crap.

dark places

i haven’t been journaling or doing much of anything
other than binge-watching preacher
& staring at walls
i know this will pass
but it is so thick
& hard to see through
when i am in the midst of it

i tried to do a spell
to break free of the psychic attacks & negative energy
from dear old dusty
as well as setting a course for a magical life
i chose this guy as my companion

i keep drawing him
& hoping the spell takes hold

i hope to finish a commissioned piece today
& to work on more art to put over
at my etsy store
(i did open an etsy store!)
& i did finish a piece for one of my patrons
(become a patron & get original art!)

but there are two more episodes of preacher
& though the sun has finally come out
i am still wallowing in a dark place

the narrative

it seems to me
that people need to believe
their own
narrative
so it’s not
that they aren’t
listening
to me
it’s that what i’m saying
does not fit
their narrative…
so
they hear me
but only so far
as it suits their story
anything else
turns to white
noise
&
misunderstandings….
maybe i can’t
change your narrative
but what happens
when i change
mine?

i think this is true of all areas of my life i am frustrated with. family relations, romantic relations, not conforming to the norm, being misunderstood over & over & over….
my story does not fit most people’s narrative.
hmmm….
i wonder how i can move forward with this understanding?
i do know, i need to work on changing my own narrative…especially the bit about being unloveable, not special, & not worth a fuck.
that story needs to change.

ps. i really like this illustration

i don’t wanna grow old

okay.
i’m pretty despondent about this whole age thing. this is something that has never happened to me before. age is just a number, right?
but this number is freaking me out.
poop.
i am posting this the day after my birthday…but i wrote it two days before my birthday…& it is the day before my birthday as i am scheduling it to post.
(i hope i survive my birthday!)

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