valentine’s day

i’m fifty
& still looking
to this day
as if i were fifteen
a sad charlie brown
hoping that this year
surely
this year
i will be noticed
cherished
celebrated
surely this year.

i’m not going to elaborate on this post because it’s just too sad.

uncross my heart

i remove the conflict
i uncross
my heart
i life my arms
into the air
waiting
for that inevitable
embrace
that never comes
& the sun
sets
the moon moves
across the sky
in her dance with the
stars
& all i can feel is
lost.

i wrote this page in response to my tarot cards that keep having the idea of relationships & men as a conflict to who i am. i thought i could remove the conflict…but i could not.
so!
i am calling off the hunt. fuck it. i’m okay alone. right?
i am so totally okay alone.
i have so much crap to sort out. i mean, am i even over my exes? why can thoughts of them still break my heart? do i really need to pile anything on to that crap pile?
also. who do i even want in my life? when i imagine someone to grow old(er) with, who is it i really want? why does that change from day to day, moment to moment?
and should i even be trusted to pick someone? or let someone pick me? i do not have a good track record.
so maybe i am not ready. maybe it’s all a pipe dream.

i can always fall in love in my next life.

(funny story. while i was inking this, iggy came in to tell on poppy for flipping him the bird…looked at my inking & was like, “nice, mom!”)

find me

bits of my soul
fly into the trees
cawing
from branches
looking for you
i want to love you
with every ounce
of me
but first
i need to
meet
you…
the moon gazes down
at the world
we share
& i wonder
when
i will let you
find me.

more relationship wandering…wondering.
i have pulled tarot cards on my two decks. the me card crossed by my conflict card.
me: the high priestess
crossed by: the lovers
me: temperance
crossed by: king of pentacles
and i understand, that for me, relationships are a conflict. but am i creating that conflict or should i beware of the conflict? am i conflicting myself from being in a relationship…or is the relationship the conflict?
i keep confusing myself on this.
meditating for clarity tells me i am my own conflict…which is still confusing me.

quixotic starwhal

i am still working on journal pages of course of course.
but i am also trying to get some small illustrations done for my upcoming collection of short stories due for publication later this year. tangled together is a long time coming collection of flash fiction & short stories. i will be so happy to finally see my stories in print.

also trying to cope with a world that i just want to burn to the ground…but apparently that is not the way things are done? not that i’m good at doing things the way they are supposed to do….

in lieu of matches–i made some patches.
art saves the world once more!

food fight with demons

i’m pretty sure
my main issue
is that i have
multiple
incompatible
personalities
tea parties with demons
always end
in food fights.

short & sweet & to the point. i have been venturing in to talk with my many personalities. when i was a kid, i found i was unable to give the love & attention needed to all of my stuffed animal toys….so i locked them in a closet.
i can’t really do that with all of the different me’s i have found inside when trying to heal. there is a lot of me…& i need to figure out what we all need.
all of us.

quite contrary

my anti-social behavior
is now
acceptable
normal even…
things are not right
in this world.
the politics
of covid
have turned this contrary
introvert
this well-coccooned worm
into a
blooming
fucking
social butterfly
if society tells me to keep away
you can bet your ass
i won’t.

my mom used to call me “mary mary quite contrary”…she might have been dead on about that one.

i have discussed my transformation with some people. it is funny to me–that i am finding myself reaching out more & more. my normal behavior became the norm…so now my behavior has become abnormal (for me)….
i’m abnormally social for me, which makes my behavior it’s normal level of non-conformity.

ouch…my head hurts.

dreaming

dreams tumbling
like stones in a river
though i pick through them
admiring the swirls
& colors
i toss them back
into the river
watching
the ripples….
i know
who
i am.

a friend of mine is having some serious ancestral dreams & dreams of spirit animals…
i was feeling a little envious…but, then again, i am ten years her senior & have been doing a buttload of work of my own.
maybe i don’t need my ancestors to talk to me right now.
maybe i know who i am.

(some handy fairies today)

loud & clear

i analyzed
my dreams
this morning
& got an unanimous answer
my dreams say,
“fuck you”
fuck you & the horse
you rode in on
just
whatever dude
whatever
ever
ever
…ever
fuck off for real
like
totally.

this one goes out to my ex-husband. my second ex-husband, who won’t stay out of my subconscious for some reason. i guess my subconscious just wants to make doubly tripply sure i do not get back together with him–again.
thanks for watching out for me, subconscious!

chaos theory

it’s about
welcoming
the chaos
not trying to control
the chaos
letting all
all the energies
the good &
the bad
move through
breathe through
with
small treasures
filtered out

working on balance in my household. my mothering requires that i not absorb all the chaos in the house or else i become overwhelmed & either shut down or freak out. however, trying to stop the chaos all together is fucking impossible (if you doubt this, i will be happy to send my kids over to your house.) so i need to find a way to filter through the chaos.
accepting it
& surviving it.

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