checking in

i have been working on getting my patreon page up & running. i have posted several times for my patrons.
i totally have two patrons!!! yay!!!

i was thinking. for those of you who are as poor as me. if you have a way to do trade, i would totally do that. like i be your patron & you be mine? something like that…i’m trying to figure out a way to be accessible while also making some income.
it’s just a boost to know someone thinks my arts, writings, and random ramblings are worth anything.
it’s nice.

also! i am applying for the sustainable arts award for mother writers & mother artists. it’s a nice award, and the best part is how much i realize i value myself when i fill out the application telling them who i am.

meanwhile, i have gotten to second base with my goat magdalene. she is producing lots of milk which i share with her kid, claudia. claudia gets one teat, i take the other. so i have fresh goat’s milk for my tea.

in other news, i had a weird thing happen last week which i am just getting to in my art journal.
an epiphany? a moment of enlightenment? a breakthrough?

at the very least, a new story, similar to “fallen” in being a fictionalized telling of something real to me–this time about my most formative past life.
so…become a patron & you can hear all about that.

or, just talk to me on google hangouts, & i’ll tell you all about it.

here are some teasers for my patron page:

including a journal page about my little voices and one about my imbolc meditation on longing (for my work on the healing wheel.)
and two pages of illustrations for a collaboration i am doing with benjamin davis on his story fetish.

the image is based on my childhood memory of making my first ever comic series on a chalkboard in my basement. a version of “hey diddle diddle” where the members of the nursery rhyme were some sort of soap opera.

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especially me

today
i hate
everybody
& wonder
if i should just
drink beer
for breakfast
because
what
the
fuck
i am stuck
in a world
full of
bullshit
& it’s all just
bullshit
&
yes
i know tomorrow
or later today
(after that beer probably)
i will feel
differently
& even might
find myself
aglow
with brotherly love
but
right now
i especially hate
that person.

another one still from this angsty week of mine. i’m a big old snarky mess sometimes. but, rest assured, the person i hate most of all is often myself.

ink & bamboo pens are wonderful for expressing messy feelings.

ps. if you are looking for some good stuff on netflix to have an angsty binge…i recommend happy and russian doll.

meanwhile….

this is my playing around with a bamboo pen. i did it awhile back, but realized i had never posted it. i thought it looked kinda cool…so.

meanwhile,
my day is filled
with my day job of artist
on demand
for some
demanding
children,
fists full of magic markers,
shouting out scenes
for me to draw.

birthday greetings & other inkings

so i tried to order my big sister (aka surrogate mom) a birthday basket from harry & david. twice. but both times they couldn’t–for some unknown reason–process the order.
so i went to godiva…where there is a $10 shipping fee.
so over to wine country…where nothing i wanted was available until the 19th of february.
fuck it, i said. i will make my own fucking fancy basket.
complete with a hand painted inking of some marvelous sea life.

meanwhile, i spent some time scanning maps &–because someone on tumblr said my style was “archaic greek” i looked at some artwork from that there time period.
which inspired some doodling.

meanwhile, misha was begging me to draw her a phoenix from her fantastic creature book.
i misunderstood & painted this.

but she said, “no.” she wanted to color it. so i drew this for her.

and she spent the morning coloring it.

i am thinking i might have a future in illustrating some fantastic beast coloring books.

rick springfield is my patron saint

this is a journal page from just over a year ago, one of several horned images of myself i have drawn

so i was on the third season of lucifer & feeling guilty about binging on a network tv show when i realized that it was based on a neil gaiman character (one of my favorite male writers) thereby relieving me of my guilt.
the tv show has inspired thinking points for me in my latest embracing of my darkness via my “fallen” series.
and then today
after having a friend put 18 hours of music on a thumbdrive so i had music in my car, i realized i had forgotten all about rick springfield.
so i went to google him and realized he has seemingly been creating non-stop since the 80s–when i listened to his music because my big sister was in love with him.
his latest album the snake king, has angels, demons, god, the devil, and the underworld all through it.
huh.
it’s pretty dark & pissed off & has a twangy sound to it–which is not what i expected.
but this is not a review of rick springfield.
it is my own wondering about how when you start looking at the world in a different way, the world is only too happy to comply by dropping crumbs in your path.
being a recovering catholic, i have been both drawn to & repelled by my own darkness as well as any dealings with demons & devils.
since embracing them…new doors are opening & i am being shown the threads that bind us all together.
or, at least, i am listening to rick springfield & thinking deep thoughts.


why i’m not a sex worker

so someone over on tumbr asked me to illustrate a story for his girlfriend’s book. this is the work in progress for that.
however, as usual, i said “yes” without agreeing on a rate/price for the artwork.
i mean, i love doing art.
i love seeing if i can illustrate someone else’s ideas.
it’s fun & challenging for me. i like fun. i like a challenge.
but, yes, i need to start being more professional & less quixotic sometimes. like…when i’m done with this, there is going to be that awkward email where i have to say, “um, in order to get the finished piece, i need money.”
and what if they are all–you never said it cost! and yes…they should know artists do not work for free nor donate their talent (except for a good cause.) but i still dread that point when i have to ask for a fee.
crap. i should have settled it sooner.
right?
i can’t afford to give it away for free.
(that’s what she said)

meanwhile, for another commission i am doing without settling on cost first, i am googling images of every cool sea creature i can think of to make a set of greeting cards and getting excited about painting them.
however, there is probably no way someone expects to pay as much as i think they should pay for a hand painted series of greeting cards.
and i do know this person–which makes it even harder for me to ask for what i feel my art is worth.

crap.
i need an agent.

quixotic mama greeting cards

so i haven’t made any cards in awhile despite my determination to send actual birthday greetings for birthdays. i mean, i did not get an actual birthday card in the mail on my birthday which made me a little sad & jaded….
however!
my little sister sent me another box of chocolate from germany–so i wanted to make her a thank you card.
also!
a wonderful friend of mine has a birthday on halloween–so i wanted to make her a birthday card.

narwhal

and i was having so much fun that i made a couple more…with aspirations to continue this series & be ahead on the card making.


also, these are ink brush paintings on 6X6 watercolor paper–if anyone is interested in buying one i have made already or commissioning one. just let me know.

without a broken heart

i’m trying to figure out
how to live
with a heart
that is not broken
so much of my life
has been spent
ensnared
in my own pain
dancing to the beat
of my
perpetually broken
heart
all my days spent
first
trying to heal
& then
breaking my self
all over again
so much of my life
broken
i have no idea
how to live
without
wrapping myself up
in my own
misery.

i wrote down the thoughts on this page after commenting on someone’s post about broken hearts.
i liked the idea and this poem is my attempt at flushing out the idea of learning to live with a heart that is not broken.
i might play with it more.

the dodo bird is my spirit guide as i try to fly.
reminding me not to be too trusting.
reminding me to survive.

i have been thinking a lot about starting to do comics again. my latest posts are a bit cartoon-y…which i have to keep reminding myself that that is okay. it is okay to draw the way i draw. it is okay to not be michelangelo.
but maybe my subconscious is trying to steer me back to comics. i like to draw. i like to write stories…comics make sense. i just have to accept that, also, i am never going to be stan lee.
i am me. i have my own style. i have my own story to tell.

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