just a random art journal page inspired by my own insecurities….
meanwhile…over on my patreon page….
have i ever felt
i am never going to win
i wail to the moon
a new moon
in the clouds &
trying to renew…
i’m never going
as if this is a game
i have been busy. writing. arting. surviving. i keep on drawing because i do not want to drown in my own emotions.
i am now gainfully employed…ish
working just part time
so the minions & my art stay
but my art is not as insistent
as my minions
until i find myself going
a little bit
for neglecting it.
i am enjoying playing with my own style
as well as accepting that it is
what it is…
i look forward to doing some finished pieces–but that might have to wait until i am a bit more finished myself…at least as far as housing goes.
on wednesday, i go in for a job interview
at the local food cooperative
working with food
which i am super qualified to do
do i want to do it?
dropping the reins in a show of frustration
i put iggy & fidget in charge
& took the day off to just draw & draw
wouldn’t it be so super awesome
to get paid
to just draw
i was squatting in a stream this morning to wash the mud out of misha’s clothes when i thought
“this is my life”
how did i get here?
which twists & turns & choices made
led me to this place
i am both grateful for a place to be
to figure out my next step
about where that next step will take me.
today on my patron page i share two art journal pages & my recent brush with misanthropy & theories with how isolation feeds a dark part of one’s soul.
i’m staring out the window of a bus
a bus parked forever more
in the hills of western wisconsin
clouds, forests, wildflowers, birds, & bugs (so many bugs)
are right outside my window
& all i feel
unable to move forward
because renting requires income
getting a loan requires income
& i am on a bus
with four kids
my ex-husband trying to lure me
back to him
back to life
in an apartment
& each day
i think a little more seriously
to make sure my kids
have a roof over their heads….
i just wish i could look at this amazing view
& feel free
& feel inspired
& feel hopeful
but right now
i have no idea
how to be
how to be
though i am not posting as much as i usually do as i am struggling with depression right now as well as the instability of being homeless–er, between homes, rather….
but i will try to get pen to paper & get some new posts up over there soon.
from the flatlands of illinos
to the rolling hills of wisconsin
both literally & figuratively
in the wild driftless region
waiting for fate
to open a door
to a new home
for me & the minons
i am still doing art. mostly doodles. and writing in my journal to keep myself sane as my whole world is turned upside down…in a good way…but still terrifying.
i’m on the email list
for my old co-op & keep getting emails
about the upcoming reunion
i want to burn that place to the ground
i moved in there
full of hope
i escaped there
a jaded & broken person
people are liars. people don’t even know they are liars.
they are liars.
they lie to themselves.
they lie to you.
they lie to me.
they pretend they want social justice
they pretend they want to make the world
a better place
they pretend they care about you
they are motherfucking hypocrites….
the carpet folks who saved my mom’s basement (where i live)
have not been paid
i contacted my siblings
before calling in help with the flooded basement
everyone told me to go ahead
call in professionals
the professionals came…did their job well…and saved
the carpet & wood siding
now no one is paying them
i don’t have the money
my mom does
my siblings do
in my stupid stupidity moving here so my siblings could forget about this place
now my heart hurts
for a carpet company
who was unintentionally scammed
am i a liar?
if i knew then, what i know now
i would have let this place
sink into the mud.
in one week
i will rent a u-haul
& go in a general direction
i have no destination
land on my feet
the main image of this post is an art page that went south & so i just doodled the fuck out of it.
while trying to convince the dad to move away
leaving a “commonwealth” scam
leaving a doorstep haunted by a predatory woman
leaving a sadness that soaked my bones
just leaving, i begged
i tried to to convince the dad to move away
far away from his predatory “other woman”
he would not leave her
i agreed on a rental that would not be open until
the end of
summer of 2015, between homes
crashing, house-sitting, visiting relatives
only to land again
in my own
i have been thinking of that summer, if only to remind myself that i have been “between homes” with four children before…& survived.
i am hoping that this time i do not land again in my own sadness.
the dad has been trying to convince me to come live with him again….
what insanity would that be?
i have broken free of him & to give up that freedom would surely mean the end of me…
but, i might have to turn to him for temporary shelter. i am trying to find other options, but having a safe place for the minions to be trumps all other concerns. & where the minions go….
i’m trying to be excited about a change, even an uncertain one. i mean, i am excited about it…but also worried sick. i turn every scenario over & over in my head. i do everything in my head, first, preparing myself for anything unexpected.
this is how i survive.
to help support my traveling circus & our search for a forever home, check out my patreon page where i am working on character development of a comic book hero who has been in my head for about five years now….
and being a patron of mine of the $5 a month or more, gets you personalized art postcards like these: